Humor

"I'm not a witch! There are reasons why I can't float or be seen in a mirror, believe me! I just don't want to, If I wanted to, I could. But I want to tell all those witch hunters at the FBI something, you like not being a toad? Ask yourselves that, that's all I'm gonna say," Trump smirked before transforming into a weasel then becoming irritated because no one noticed.

TRUMP: "I know that and I know all about vows, I've made three of the most magnificent wedding vows and each was more absolute than the last."

TRUMP: "Dear wall, I'm praying that you turn all the media into something...I don't know, salt, lepers, hey what about, snakes! With tattoos that say, 'I love Fake News!' but with the heart sign for 'love', you know?"

The Spectre of Death proclaimed, "The AFCA will give Americans killer health care! What your president and his fellow Republicans are doing by moving the AFCA forward is dead right! This is health care to die for! In record numbers, Americans will be passing away...their Obamacare cards for Trumpcare cards!"

Trump declared that it is important for the world to see the US perform its responsibility to appear as a moral leader and that he hopes they appreciated this performance...also mentioning that it's available same day on Blue Ray, DVD and pay per view.

Trump declared that he had complete confidence in Nunes' integrity and that the they were about to go for a walkie so Nunes could "take care of his business".

"Trump was watching the news on RT while eating a salad with Russian dressing when it came to him out of the blue," said Conway while casually patting out a small fire that kept breaking out on her pants.

Without providing any evidence other than a cartoon from KlanWeek, Donald Trump released a series of stunning tweets today claiming that President Obama has been using a Trump voodoo doll to hurt him and damage his presidency.

"Thank you Donald Trump, as we discussed, you and I both like to be able to feel whatever we want," Yiannopoulos stated. "And I just love the idea of being in such a satisfying position with kids."

God explained that he doesn't have a Twitter account but wouldn't have replied to Trump anyway, saying he just found it amusing to see someone who thought he was the center of the universe.