RUDY GIULIANI: "I'm thankful for absorbent Kleenexes, dental implants, Nosferatu, quick-dry hair dye, lax state laws about forcibly committing people to mental asylums, and nuts...lots and lots of nuts."
Yes, Democrats have all been conspiring with George Soros, Cuba, all poll workers in at least 6 states, voting machine companies, Republican governors, China, Joe Pesci, the late Hugo Chavez and the hair dye industry. You have to admit, it was a hell of a plan. Who'd believe it?
TRUMP: "You know me, everyone knows me as the calm, peaceful, soothing president, right? 'Mr. Peace' they call me, sometimes 'Mr. Peace of' something, I can't remember what."
Trump instructed his aides to always have Diamond and Silk wear name tags whenever they're around him. "The downside in having black running mates to prove you're not racist is having to tell them apart," Trump nodded earnestly.
"Look, it's all very simple. If you want to vote for Sleepy Joe, you vote 'Trump' on your ballot. And you can do that with the confidence that the president who promised to make Mexico pay for the wall and end American carnage would never cancel Opposite Day once the votes are in," Trump snickered into both hands, leaving an orange crust on both palms when they lowered.
"Have you seen what the Antifa radicals have been doing to these helpless symbols of white supremacy? I mean, 'our heritage'? It's disgusting. They've thrown paint on them, pulled them down, even moved one into the corner of my office," Trump complained until being told he was pointing at Mike Pence.
Happy May Day! I do these for pleasure. I don't worry about people stealing anything, but, just ask if you want to?
TRUMP: "I was thinking about this yesterday while someone was trying to brief me on something "urgent", I wasn't paying attention to their boring screams because I was thinking about this...what if I dropped nukes all over the U.S., you know, in the air, so it didn't harm any businesses. The radiation would come down so beautiful, like an invisible hero to kill the invisible enemy, Corona."
A Simulated Interview With Donald Trump
The contestants will be randomly selected from communities all around the United States. They will be informed that they may likely be chosen to die for the good of the economy and encouraged to give their best performance to convince the panel why they are more valuable to society than they are a burden.