TRUMP: "You know me, everyone knows me as the calm, peaceful, soothing president, right? 'Mr. Peace' they call me, sometimes 'Mr. Peace of' something, I can't remember what."

Trump instructed his aides to always have Diamond and Silk wear name tags whenever they're around him. "The downside in having black running mates to prove you're not racist is having to tell them apart," Trump nodded earnestly.

"Look, it's all very simple. If you want to vote for Sleepy Joe, you vote 'Trump' on your ballot. And you can do that with the confidence that the president who promised to make Mexico pay for the wall and end American carnage would never cancel Opposite Day once the votes are in," Trump snickered into both hands, leaving an orange crust on both palms when they lowered.

"Have you seen what the Antifa radicals have been doing to these helpless symbols of white supremacy? I mean, 'our heritage'? It's disgusting. They've thrown paint on them, pulled them down, even moved one into the corner of my office," Trump complained until being told he was pointing at Mike Pence.