Humor

Trump's bill redefines "rape, molestation and sexual abuse" as "horseplay" and changes the unwilling restraint of women from "kidnapping" to "playing house". "Pedophilia" will be downgraded to "youthful indiscretion" but only for Republicans running for office.

"The Republican Party will run on a unifying theme to assure voters that we will continue down the Trump path we're on," McDaniel stated, standing beside a small cage with a 4 year old Latino boy in it.

Scientists explain that from now on, whenever Trump experiences such fears as Proof of Russian Collusion, Mueller Knocking on His Door or Seeing a Black Man in Real Life, a personalized algorithm will automatically create and post a defensive or deflecting tweet on his account that responds to that fear.

Confronted by reporters that this didn't make any sense in the rest of his Putin-supporting/America bashing statement, Trump replied, "It's not surprising that people in the fake news have so much hate in them, even for pudding. Pudding doesn't make sense? It's not supposed to make sense, it's just supposed to taste good and that's why I be loving pudding,"

In an ironic mistake by someone who has also been personally described "an ironic mistake", Donald Trump used the wrong word in a tweet intended to express that he was all-knowing.

Coming on the heels of Rudy Giuiani's disastrous media tour over the past several days, his lips have filed a case in New York...

"Mass shootings are bad, they're really, really bad and we need to do something to stop them that makes more sense than taking away the guns that mass killers always use," Trump explained.

Relying on tv for his decision-making on personnel has gone so well, Trump will now use it to select military leaders. Trump stated, "I need a new general and I've watched this Gomer Pyle guy all of my life, I like the cut of his jib!"

Customs officials have discounted witness claims that he was walking on the surface of the river as he crossed it. "The Rio is very low at the point this person crossed, it may have appeared he was walking on water but it was just an optical illusion," explained ICE spokesperson, Leticia Zamarripa.

Getting divorced from a Trump is becoming a frequent enough international event to soon qualify as an Olympic sport. In the meantime, it remains a popular pastime in the Czech Republic, Slovenia and "Starbutts" gentlemen's clubs.