After using his rally last night in Mississippi to ridicule Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s Senate testimony of sexual assault by Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump has doubled down on his “rich and powerful white men are the real victims” theme by suddenly proposing two new laws.
Trump explains that the purpose of these laws is to, “Stop the epidemic of women abusing their power to dominate and destroy the lives of innocent, honest, beer-drinking-but-never-throwing-up-or-getting-violently-angry-or-rapey-because of it-and-oh-yeah-being-virgins-too men.”
Continuing to introduce these bills, Trump went on to say, “This is a time I think we should call the ‘#MeFirst’ era, a time when men are no longer treated like they are less than the superiors that they are. All those women out there who think they can destroy the lives of men who have earned their white male entitlement to greater power and wealth by working their asses off to be born, your time is up, baby!”
The first bill that Trump will bring to Congress for passage is the “Gender Accusations Guard” (GAG) law.
It would provide for prison time similar to that for federal perjury against any woman who privately or publicly accuses a man of sexually assaulting them without providing multiple eyewitnesses, a selfie of the incident and/or a signed affidavit by the alleged assaulter confessing to the attack and stating unequivocally that he was never enrolled in a private school with a golf course.
As a companion bill to reign in the “out of control” power of “the weaker sex”, Trump will also be proposing the “Authorization for Boys Using Self Expression” (ABUSE) act.
According to Trump, “This law will stop the criminalization of boys just being boys! Girls can express themselves anyway they want to without it being a crime, whether its drinking punch with Quaaludes secretly mixed in it or fighting with boys to keep their clothes from being pulled off, or not, whatever they want to do no matter how drugged they are! It’s time that all the Bretts, Chads and Dicks were treated equally with the Christines, Debbies and amanamous…anomomiss……women who don’t give their names. I mean, Dicks Lives Matter too,” Trump insisted.
The ABUSE Act would decriminalize what are now classified as sexual assaults, by a boy or man against a girl or woman (Trump stated that sexual assaults against same sex people is “disgusting anyway” and should be illegal even when consent is given).
The ABUSE bill goes on to say that “rape is just a matter of opinion, girls just have to agree to disagree with boys instead of, for example, using it to prevent them from being confirmed to the Supreme Court and taking away women’s power over their own bodies.”
The bill redefines the crimes of “rape, molestation and sexual abuse” as “horseplay” and changes the unwilling restraint of women from “kidnapping” to “playing house”. “Pedophilia” will also be conditionally downgraded from being a crime to being a “youthful indiscretion” but only for Republicans when running for office.
Trump said that he believes that by making it legal to GAG and ABUSE to women, he will be protecting the most vulnerable and defenseless among us…the men he nominates to the court and his cabinet.