Since his disastrous Helsinki press conference with Russian dictator and fellow Tiny Hands Support Group member, Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump has tried to walk back many of the most damaging statements he made while nuzzling the nape of the Russian tyrant’s teeny tiny neck.
Despite it making absolutely no sense in context, Trump claimed that he meant “wouldn’t” when he said, “I have President Putin. He just said it’s not Russia. I will say this. I don’t see any reason why it would be.”
He also had his press secretary and Stepford Wife reject, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, explain that when he clearly answered, “no” to a reporter who asked if he thought Russian attacks were continuing, he meant “no more questions please and no, I do not want green eggs and ham, I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. Except maybe Russia. Boobs.”
Today, still feeling the heat on being seen as submissive to Putin, Trump said that when he stated at the press conference that he “believed Putin”, he really meant to say that he “be loving pudding”.
When confronted by reporters that this didn’t make any sense when substituted into the rest of his Putin-supporting/America bashing statement, Trump replied, “It’s not surprising that people in the fake news have so much hate in them, even for pudding. Pudding doesn’t make sense? It’s not supposed to make sense, it’s just supposed to taste good and that’s why I be loving pudding,” Trump insisted.
On the heels of Trump trying to change the words and meanings of things he said in the past that have ended up to be damaging to him, Trump is said to be preparing an Executive Order that will delay the meaning and spelling of all words spoken by Americans until confirmed by the Trump administration.
At a press conference today, Sanders explained, “Under this Executive Order, all words spoken by all Americans, including The President, will be considered as placeholders for thoughts that will be confirmed by a new department we’re setting up which we call The Department of Re-Education. But we haven’t confirmed the meaning and spelling of the department title and won’t until we see what the reaction is to it,” Sanders noted while spinning so quickly in a circle that she tumbled to the ground and drilled the top part of her head into the floor.
Upon recovering, Sanders announced that this new order and department will end the “gotcha” politics of trying to hold Trump responsible for what he says. “From now on, no one will be able to legitimately attack The President for what he says because it won’t mean anything unless or until he says it does.”
Sanders was asked if this means that nothing she says in her press conferences, including this announcement, have any meaning at the time she says it and she replied, “Yes. The same goes for my saying yes. And for my saying that the same goes for my saying yes. You’ll just have to take my word for it. And that applies to my word since it’s a word. And my saying it applies to my word.”
Trapped in a loop, Sanders continued discounting everything she said until she was driven into a frenzy, began frothing at the mouth then chased reporter April Ryan around the room, trying to bite her. Ryan escaped unharmed and referring to the experience, expressed, “I’ve seen her worse. Believe me.”