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AdLib On May - 7 - 2015

Texas Straightjacket

What is it that makes a minority of Texans into raving, paranoid loons? Is it the petroleum fumes in the air that impair their brain functions? Is it the mass consumption of fat and rampant obesity that clogs their arteries and starves their brains of oxygen? Or when you’re 18 and first register to vote Republican in Texas, do they complete the initiation by making you ride a bronco until you are thrown onto your head?

It’s gotten so bad that the word “crazy” is filing a restraining order against Texas Republicans from coming within 100 feet of it.

But these Home-On-De-Ranged Texans ain’t goin’ nowhere. Whether it’s suspicion of chem trails proving the government is chemically mind controlling its own people, President Obama being a stealth Kenyan, Muslim, Socialist terrorist who wants to cut off their heads in the streets or everyone coming to take their guns away, these misfits from the Loon Star State have more than enough paranoia to spread around in every direction.

What a way to live life, as abject cowards, eternally frightened by the world around them to the point of seeing conspiracies over even the smallest things and fearing them as existential threats.

Such a funny dichotomy, the “macho” swagger of these kinds of Tea-xans who wear their fear and cowardice as a badge of manhood. “You bet them government folks want to take away our guns. Yep, y’all better be ready when Obama tells them Muslims to rise up and cut all us Christians’ heads off. Uh-huh, them gays want to make Christianity illegal just so they can marry.’

They actually seem to think that saying such things reflects well on them, as if it makes them brave by facing up to all those “evil” people who are conspiring against them. In fact, they are exposing that they are insecure, intimidated and ignorant cowards, afraid of the slightest breeze for fear it’s part of a Left Wing plot to promote the Climate Change hoax and shut down all oil drilling.

This July, the U.S. military will be staging a sizable military training exercise named Jade Helm 15. It will take place in a number of states including California, New Mexico…and, oh yeah, Texas.

However, only in Texas have the Texas Toasted come out of the woodwork, whipped up by the cynical Right Wing radio and tv hosts and bloggers, to howl about what this really is…of course, it’s a plan for the federal government to invade and take over Texas! Because if there’s one thing the U.S. government has a track record of doing, it’s invading the states that are already part of them.

BTW, nutballs in Texas, don’t flatter yourself, you’re like an obnoxious high school nerd who warns the cheerleaders not to try and seduce him. If we really had a choice, believe me, we wouldn’t want to be seen with you as our date at the prom or anywhere else.

And if some think it’s only a fringe of the Texas GOP who have deep fried the reasoning center of their brains, Texas’ Republican Governor Greg Abbott has directed the Texas State Guard to monitor the exercises of the U.S. military during Jade Helm 15…out of fear that they will suddenly attack and take over Texas. Abbott said he was doing so because it was “important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.”

And if the military really was there to take over Texas, what exactly would a poorly armed, poorly trained handful of Texas State Guard do to stop tanks, drones, attack helicopters and lots of armed and trained troops?

Of course famous Texas poster children for the dangers of eating paint chips, Senator Ted Cruz and Rep. Louie Gohmert are all up in arms at this and warning of the threat it poses to our “libertease”.

Everything’s bigger in Texas except the one thing they need most, mental health facilities.

So consider this, the Governor of Texas, one of its U.S. Senators and Reps, along with many others, are openly promoting the view that the U.S. Military is a possible enemy of their state, that our military may have a secret plan to overthrow their state government (and do exactly what after that?) and that our military men and women, who these two-faced, paranoid lunatics claim to support, should be suspected of possibly being evil invading enemies of all Texans (including the soldiers who are from Texas).

BTW, here’s an informative article about this in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/07/us/conspiracy-theories-over-jade-helm-get-some-traction-in-texas.html

We knew that the election of Barack Obama as President would make some on the right crazy but most of us meant that in a figurative way. In Texas though, there are those who have literally gone Cuckoo for Conspiracy Pops because of it.

Of course, no such ridiculous suspicions of military training exercises (and the military has had such exercises in TX in the past…without taking over the state government of TX too many times) occurred when there wasn’t a black Commander in Chief. When these same types of exercises took place under white Republican Presidents, there was no expressed concern.

But a military under the command of a black man?! “They’s a’ comin’ for us, Cathy! They want to take away our churches and guns and fried turduckens! And they wanna take away our guvermint which we hate and don’t want anyway! Wait…hey…where are my balls, they already got them! H-E-L-P!!! They’s a’ comin’ to get the rest next!”

Yep, what brave men those Tea Partyin’ Texans are. Well, I’ve got one thing to say to them:


You’re right! We are sending in the military to take over your state, take away your guns, break up your marriages and force you all to gay marry! Heh-heh-heh! It’s all going as planned! Once we take over, we will rename Texas to New California and laugh gleefully!

With our GMO crops engineered to control your minds along with the brainwashing qualities of the fluoride in your water, everyone in Texas will begin having abortions and children will be reading new textbooks that makes them force their parents into paying reparations for slavery to all black people! And we’re going to give every important state office to Mexicans, women and African Americans!

We’re not worried about finally exposing our conspiracy to you, there’s nothing you can do about it now! No one will believe you when you try to warn them of our using the U.S. military to invade you! And you poor fools, look around your state…we already have military bases everywhere! Ha-ha-ha! It’s too late to do anything about it!

You’ll never figure out all of our conspiracies and you’ll never stop us…unless you nominate Ted Cruz for President! Please don’t do that!  It will mean the end of all of our complex and truly stupid conspiracies. And think about it, without them, we may fail with our evil plans but you’ll lose your entire purpose for existence! It’s a lose-lose…and talking about lose-lose, whatever you do, don’t nominate Ted Cruz!

Thank you!

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

38 Responses so far.

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  1. jjgravitas says:

    Ever wondered what would happen if Texas ever managed to “secdee” from the Union? The federal loans that prop up Texas economy would end and Texas poverty would skyrocket. As their poverty increased, so would their paranoia. The entire Texas border would be fenced in with barbed wire. Fracking would make all Texas ground water undrinkable, so Texas would have to ship all their drinking water in from outside their “country”. Free of the American Constitution, Texas would be free to institutionalize racism, reinstitute slavery, make guns available to everyone except so-called “undesirables” who are no good for anything except cheap labor. It would basically be the Lone Star version of North Korea. Worst of all, they would no longer be free to shout out “‘MERICA!”

  2. AlphaBitch says:

    Good one, B’rer AdLib!

    • AdLib says:

      Heh! Thanks AB! And don’t forget to let the invading troops know that you’re positioned to be their new puppet leader of Governmentistan (Formerly the state of Texas).

    • AdLib says:

      Nirek, it can’t get much worse than Republicans trying to use their power in Congress to de-fund scientific research so their denials of climate change can’t be proven to be the lies that they are.

      Man, if this kind of thing doesn’t convince Americans of how insane the country would become if a Repub was in the WH signing all these crazy bills, I don’t know what would.

  3. Nirek says:

    You know AdLib, that the crazies that have wormed their way into the Texas “leadership” have arrived from places like Conn. (‘W”) , Canada via Cuba (Cruz), and others.

    Great peice Ad, but watch out some of it is already coming true. It must be hard to come up with these things ahead of them becoming real.

    • AdLib says:

      Nirek, so what you’re saying is that Texas is a magnet for lunacy? Makes sense to me!

      So true, Nirek, the barn door to insanity hasn’t just been left wide open by the Tea Party, they’ve broken it off. Parodies of them and the GOP are now just competing to get out before they become news reports!

  4. S-Man says:

    The father of today’s GOP could be Rod Serling, they live in The Twilight Zone and their policies could be episodes of The Night Gallery.

    • AdLib says:


      ROD SERLING: “The year is 2030. The place? Texas. This once bustling state is now reduced to rubble and lies deserted. What happened to the “civilization” here is less a mystery than a cautionary tale. A mass insanity swept the state, born of virulent prejudice and paranoia. It may have seemed to come from nowhere but in fact, it came from just south of the border of reality…from…the Twilight Zone.”

  5. kesmarn says:


    HELP is on the way.

    You are about to be liberated. The U.S. Army is en route. Here come the Marines.

    Hang on. Your long days and interminable nights are almost over.

    AlphaBitch and friends and family — freedom is at hand. Feel free to throw flowers in the path of the advancing American troops. Your oppressors will face justice.

    • AlphaBitch says:

      GIMME SHELTER………..

      Now the Alamo has been taken over by “the gubmint” and will be run like a Disneyland attraction (OK, it was Fess Parker as Davy that started my love affair with the place).

      Texas: their voters are lazy and/or crazy. What else can I say?

      Am negotiating a life in Canada via Twitter. Had a few invites. Trying to put on a lot more blubber so I’se can stay warm…..

      In all truth, MOCK THEM. Actually mocking these guys is the best way to get them to back down. They are stupid, but when everyone laughs and points at your crotch, betcha look down.

      So Kes, Ad and other sane Planet Folks: what say we move this operation north and attack from the OTHER America? You know: North America.

      I had a feeling that my name would be brought up. Now I have to go help the Feds find their way thru town. Lots of one way streets. Need “boots on the ground”. Good thing I’ve got about 10 pair….

      See y’all on Vox, maybe, if I am awake……

      And y’all know that Gov. Rolling Disaster (code name for project) must have surely sustained a head injury as well as a spinal one from that falling tree.

    • AdLib says:

      Finally! And these troops will be met with flowers and candy! And ribs!

      Can’t wait to see the video of troops pulling down the statue of Rick Perry!

      Any truth to the rumor that the U.S. government is already in talks with AlphaBitch to form a new government there once we complete regime change?

  6. choicelady says:

    You know, there ARE reasons to believe in government conspiracies. From unexplained discrepancies in the horrid JFK assassination to CONINTELPRO to secret bombings in Cambodia, to CIA interventions everywhere. However, if you look closely, those covert actions are virtually ALL the product of RW extremist forces. They are NOT the product of most liberal administrations, not even under LBJ in the thick of Vietnam.

    What fascinates me is that because the movements in the 60s and 70s revealed so much about the covert operations that this nation had, it is the RIGHT that has embraced the “OMG it’s the end of the WORLD” views. As they have become the ‘victims’ of ‘oppression’ making their issues the new ‘civil rights movements’ of today, it’s all to push back against the truth that they dominate the most disgusting aspects of discrimination, of violence, of oppression.

    By touting their victimhood, they think they can deflect our inquiries into their corruption and treachery. It’s all the ‘man behind the curtain’ sleight-of-hand to keep their own people, mostly poor white people, from looking too closely at how they have been betrayed by the RW.

    It started with the KKK, a product of the white, rich planter class, to keep poor whites more scared of the newly freed Black populations than of their exploitation. To prevent unification between poor whites and poor Blacks, the KKK was a powerful tool to promote division, fear, distraction away from a unified action against rich planters and their merchant allies. It worked.

    And people are still falling for it today. “That Black president is gonna take over Texas!” is the new “they’re comin’ fer ya” mantra. But as with Y2K and ginning up fear against that white Democrat, Bill Clinton, I’m wondering what the hell they will do for an encore. No FEMA camps, no take over of Texas, no martial law, no loss of guns, no nothing. There always has to be something. Otherwise, well, poor white working people and poor Black working people just might get hip to the REAL enemy. Can’t be having THAT now, can we?

    Whatever will they do for an encore?

    • AdLib says:

      CL, it’s just a matter of semantics but I’d rather say that those in power can hide activities that further their well known agendas that the public should be wary of.

      The difference between the way you and I and many others keep a healthy suspicion of the powerful and these conspiracy nuts is that they have to rely on there being an outrageous agenda and no legit evidence of a conspiracy.

      For us, the motivation is to keep an eye on power, for them the motivation is abject fear of anyone and anything that doesn’t reflect the superiority of their white race, male gender, Fundamentalist Christian religion and local (often rural) environment.

      Great point, most terrible and genuine conspiracies, from Watergate to Iran Contra to lying about WMDs in Iraq to force a war, are all products of Republicans.

      A list of Democratic “conspiracies” would be a pretty spartan list beside the long Republican list.

      Racism seems predicated on the necessity of fabricating white victimhood. How else could white people justify the guilt of slavery and their violence and hatred of black people since then? They have to believe they are defending themselves, they are the real victims who have been and are being wronged…thus their blatant immorality is justified in their minds and those of their fellow racists in their communities.

      Kind of a group delusion. And they can’t operate without it so for the most part, we will have to wait for them to die out for their hatreds to die out (notice how it’s always old coots who are the loudest conspiracy nuts?).

      The encore? “Hillary wants to take our balls!”

      • choicelady says:

        I agree with all of that, but it confounds me how the ‘gubbmint’ became the enemy of white guys (with or without balls) when it was their faves who perpetrated the worst excesses on the world. With whom are they identifying anyway? Fred Hampton? Yeah. Right. They have managed to forget that Ruby Ridge was Papa Bush not Bill.

        I’m not so sure they will die off or out since most of the racist, anti-government, nasty bumper stickers I see are on big ol’ trucks driven by YOUNG white guys (with or without balls.) There’re always more of them. They do spawn like bunnies, y’know.

        Elective victimhood is a huge peril to democracy. I have no idea how to stop it.

    • sillylittleme says:

      Projection. It is all they have when it comes down to it.

  7. [img][/img]

    Carry on Mr. Norris!

  8. S-Man says:

    TX is an example of the consequences from drinking Koch-tainted water.

    • AdLib says:

      Hey S-Man! Clearly, things don’t go better with Koch.

    • I really think Obama Derangement Syndrome is a legitimate psychiatric illness and should be included in the next DSM. Of course by then, it will have mutated into Hillary Derangement Syndrome, but with much the same symptoms of paranoia, delusion and hallucinations.

      • AdLib says:

        KT -- I would like to see a real study on this, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that a chemical change occurs in the brains of the racists and misogynists when they see a black man or a woman having power over them.

        • Ad, I would too. I really do think that ODS is a genuine psychiatric disorder.

          I think it involves a high level of paranoia and schitzo-affective manifestations.

          It’s similar to bi-polar disorder, but much meaner.

          • AdLib says:

            Sure makes sense, looking at the behavior of these types.

            It’s such an extreme, one could imagine though that if they saw a white male Repub like Bush in the WH, this would evaporate.

            So one could wonder if there is a trigger deeply seeded into their minds that can go off once a level of feelings of inferiority is reached.

            Kind of reptile brain stuff, fear seems to be at the root of it.

      • S-Man says:

        No, the Hillary Derangement Syndrome is a mutation of BENGHAZI!

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