rand cruz lee

One thing that Republicans are immensely skilled at (thanks to their bifurcated tongues) is being able to simultaneously talk out of both sides of their mouths…while blowing bubbles and whistling The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

We are now getting to bask in this remarkable talent of theirs as they simultaneously force a government shutdown on America while blaming President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, all Democrats, Park Rangers, France, nude sculptures of Lady Justice and twerking for it.

This is a gift that should not be wasted and the leader of the Tea Party members in Congress has now recognized this. Sen. Ted Cruz, who has raised a huge amount of political contributions due to his leading Republicans to shut down government, has now announced that Republicans will be providing their services for those most in need of them…and who can afford to pay the steep price for them.

In doing their market research, Cruz and his crew discovered that a greatly underserved base of potential clients who would benefit most from what they have to offer are serial killers. To jumpstart their solicitation to this free marketplace, Cruz and the GOP have created a sell sheet that they’ve posted on their new website for their new venture”Core Republicans Ensuring Equality for People and Society” (CREEPS).

As a teaser, they have posted the following Five Point Plan to demonstrate their know-how at how to commit heinous acts without being held responsible:


1. Never target someone who has a strong voice or who is powerful. Females, minorities, students and the poor make for great victims…trust us!

2. When you’re looking for a victim, first ask yourself, “How easy would it be to photoshop them to look threatening and how scary would they come off if I played ominous music behind a video of them?”

3. Never under any circumstances accept any responsibility for your actions. Don’t say, “I stabbed her because…”, instead say, “She clearly murdered herself by repeatedly plunging her back onto the knife I was holding, she was a brutal and monstrous self-killer.”

4. Use market research to come up with alternative descriptions and phrases for things that would otherwise sound negative to the public. For example, instead of “murder victim”, you could use the term for them as, “job taker”. Instead of having “killed” someone, say that you “protected them from future harm”.

5. Blackmail and extortion are your best negotiating tools. When holding hostages, threaten to kill them all if you don’t get your demands met. Accuse the police of being the ones who are taking hostages because they won’t give you the helicopter and $10 million dollars you’re asking for, if only they had a conversation with you and negotiated so that you got everything you wanted, the hostages would be free.

The Republican Party, as CREEP, have an eye towards real growth for this venture. Ted Cruz boasts, “Think how many murderers there are in the U.S., now think about the world! That represents a very profitable revenue stream for us! And do I need to mention how bright the future could be for us by building a working relationship with global terrorism? We’ll make a killing!”

Leave a Comment

Please Login to comment
9 Comment threads
13 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
8 Comment authors
NirekKalimachoiceladykesmarnAssumed Name Recent comment authors
newest oldest most voted
Notify of

Naughty Andy Borowitz has been reading the Planet again:

Hostage Takers Call Comparisons to Tea Party ‘Hurtful’

WASHINGTON – A group representing America’s hostage takers today blasted President Obama for his repeated comparisons between them and Tea Party Republicans, calling his remarks “degrading and hurtful.” According to the official statement of the National Alliance of Hostage Takers and Blackmailers, “As professional extortionists, we never take hostages unless we have a well thought-out plan, realistic demands, and a clear exit strategy. Any comparison between what we do and these inane Tea Party antics are derogatory and unacceptable.


Ad, we know that “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. We also know that psychopaths have no conscience. So it is not beyond their abilities to actually do these things for real.


When I start to nod my head in agreement, or would believe that Cruz was “The Boston Strangler”, Rand was “Jack the Ripper’ and Ryan was “The Son of Sam”, then I must have reached the stage where nothing would surprise me about these baggers and how far their insanity would take them. Isn’t what they are doing aiding and abetting America’s enemies anyway?

If they don’t want for over 30 million Americans to ever have health insurance, aren’t they actually the serial killers?


This is funny – until you think about it! AdLib – I would only caution that YOU MAY BE HELPING THEM! The Baggers and their Libtard friends could easily take this seriously!

Life in America is getting freaking weirder by the moment and way too dangerous for my tastes.

Thank then, in the middle of the crisis, for making us laugh!


Just wonderful, AdLib! I couldn’t resist crediting the “bifurcated tongue” sentence to you and putting it on the Twitter feed (as much as I could fit in 140 characters). It was too delicious.

They might want to consider adding a 6th bit of advice to the list: “Remember that it’s not much of a leap at all — from hearing the voices in your head telling you to do it — to hearing God Almighty telling you to do it.” It seems to have worked for so many of them.

Assumed Name
Assumed Name

Amusing, but depressing: first, it’s too close to the truth for comfort; and second, the same or worse will be voted back in in 2014. :b



Very funny stuff Ad. Great satire. Funny and painfully true.

M Cubed
M Cubed

Brilliant, utterly Brilliant! You have hit the nail on the head, Ad Lib!