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AdLib On October - 9 - 2013

rand cruz lee

One thing that Republicans are immensely skilled at (thanks to their bifurcated tongues) is being able to simultaneously talk out of both sides of their mouths…while blowing bubbles and whistling The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

We are now getting to bask in this remarkable talent of theirs as they simultaneously force a government shutdown on America while blaming President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, all Democrats, Park Rangers, France, nude sculptures of Lady Justice and twerking for it.

This is a gift that should not be wasted and the leader of the Tea Party members in Congress has now recognized this. Sen. Ted Cruz, who has raised a huge amount of political contributions due to his leading Republicans to shut down government, has now announced that Republicans will be providing their services for those most in need of them…and who can afford to pay the steep price for them.

In doing their market research, Cruz and his crew discovered that a greatly underserved base of potential clients who would benefit most from what they have to offer are serial killers. To jumpstart their solicitation to this free marketplace, Cruz and the GOP have created a sell sheet that they’ve posted on their new website for their new venture”Core Republicans Ensuring Equality for People and Society” (CREEPS).

As a teaser, they have posted the following Five Point Plan to demonstrate their know-how at how to commit heinous acts without being held responsible:


1. Never target someone who has a strong voice or who is powerful. Females, minorities, students and the poor make for great victims…trust us!

2. When you’re looking for a victim, first ask yourself, “How easy would it be to photoshop them to look threatening and how scary would they come off if I played ominous music behind a video of them?”

3. Never under any circumstances accept any responsibility for your actions. Don’t say, “I stabbed her because…”, instead say, “She clearly murdered herself by repeatedly plunging her back onto the knife I was holding, she was a brutal and monstrous self-killer.”

4. Use market research to come up with alternative descriptions and phrases for things that would otherwise sound negative to the public. For example, instead of “murder victim”, you could use the term for them as, “job taker”. Instead of having “killed” someone, say that you “protected them from future harm”.

5. Blackmail and extortion are your best negotiating tools. When holding hostages, threaten to kill them all if you don’t get your demands met. Accuse the police of being the ones who are taking hostages because they won’t give you the helicopter and $10 million dollars you’re asking for, if only they had a conversation with you and negotiated so that you got everything you wanted, the hostages would be free.

The Republican Party, as CREEP, have an eye towards real growth for this venture. Ted Cruz boasts, “Think how many murderers there are in the U.S., now think about the world! That represents a very profitable revenue stream for us! And do I need to mention how bright the future could be for us by building a working relationship with global terrorism? We’ll make a killing!”

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

22 Responses so far.

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  1. kesmarn says:

    Naughty Andy Borowitz has been reading the Planet again:

    Hostage Takers Call Comparisons to Tea Party ‘Hurtful’

    WASHINGTON -- A group representing America’s hostage takers today blasted President Obama for his repeated comparisons between them and Tea Party Republicans, calling his remarks “degrading and hurtful.” According to the official statement of the National Alliance of Hostage Takers and Blackmailers, “As professional extortionists, we never take hostages unless we have a well thought-out plan, realistic demands, and a clear exit strategy. Any comparison between what we do and these inane Tea Party antics are derogatory and unacceptable.

  2. Nirek says:

    Ad, we know that “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. We also know that psychopaths have no conscience. So it is not beyond their abilities to actually do these things for real.

    • AdLib says:

      Nirek, being a Tea Party politician is like a serial killer deciding to go into politics. There’s that old adage from the bank robber Willie Sutton who when asked about why he robbed banks, replied, “Because that’s where the money is.”

      Kind of explains why sociopaths want to be politicians, that’s where you can harm the most people without having to be a super villain (though they’re not mutually exclusive).

  3. Kalima says:

    When I start to nod my head in agreement, or would believe that Cruz was “The Boston Strangler”, Rand was “Jack the Ripper’ and Ryan was “The Son of Sam”, then I must have reached the stage where nothing would surprise me about these baggers and how far their insanity would take them. Isn’t what they are doing aiding and abetting America’s enemies anyway?

    If they don’t want for over 30 million Americans to ever have health insurance, aren’t they actually the serial killers?

    • AdLib says:

      Kalima, I’m with you on that. What’s the difference between a serial killer and the Tea Party? One is sociopathic and shows no conscience about destroying the lives of many people and the other…er…I’ll have to get back to you on that.

  4. choicelady says:

    This is funny -- until you think about it! AdLib -- I would only caution that YOU MAY BE HELPING THEM! The Baggers and their Libtard friends could easily take this seriously!

    Life in America is getting freaking weirder by the moment and way too dangerous for my tastes.

    Thank then, in the middle of the crisis, for making us laugh!

    • AdLib says:

      Well, I don’t mind helping them in this way because if things turn out as they always seem to with Baggers, whoever they’re working with will turn on them or vice versa and in this case, it would work out for the rest of us.

      Life is weird right now, when a tiny minority of mentally troubled people can exert control over the entire U.S. but such things never can be sustained and I really do think this is the end of the Bagger era.

      Can you imagine the campaign ads against all of the Repubs in the House in 2014 for shutting down government? I always saw it as a longshot but right now, I think a Dem takeover of the House is a very strong possibility.

      And imagine how the views of the public will solidify for Dems and against Repubs if Dems take the House back, retain the Senate, the manufactured crises end and big things get done. It will be decades before the Repubs even have a shot at winning back power.

      Sometimes Americans have to go through hell to smarten up. I think that’s the direction we’re headed.

  5. kesmarn says:

    Just wonderful, AdLib! I couldn’t resist crediting the “bifurcated tongue” sentence to you and putting it on the Twitter feed (as much as I could fit in 140 characters). It was too delicious.

    They might want to consider adding a 6th bit of advice to the list: “Remember that it’s not much of a leap at all — from hearing the voices in your head telling you to do it — to hearing God Almighty telling you to do it.” It seems to have worked for so many of them.

    • AdLib says:

      Kes, I saw that, thanks for tweeting that, very appreciated!

      Oh, I like your 6th point, that should definitely be added to the list. And maybe expanded to include the voices they hear in their heads from the devices the Koch Brothers planted in them.

  6. Assumed Name says:

    Amusing, but depressing: first, it’s too close to the truth for comfort; and second, the same or worse will be voted back in in 2014. :b

    • AdLib says:

      Assumed, I don’t know if that will be the case, the GOP has fallen to 28% approval, the lowest for either party in Gallup’s history. They may stop declining but with their policies and ongoing created crises, I don’t know that they can get back up too high and estimates before that poll were that Repubs could lose 30 seats in the House which would give control back to the Dems.

      We have to remind voters from now until election day 2014 that a vote for Republicans is a vote for those who shut down our government and threatened not to raise the debt ceiling, plunging our economy into a great recession. If we hammer them for all of this, I am more and more confident we can take back the House and have an amazing last two years of the Obama Presidency.

      • Assumed Name says:

        Hi, Ad Lib.

        All I can say is that I hope you’re right and I’m wrong…but I’m still perplexed that a number of them were put into office in the first instance. (I honestly don’t know how President Obama can make his mouth assert that American exceptionalism exists. This whole shutting down the government over the Affordable Care Act scenario is truly asinine.)


        • AdLib says:

          Assumed, you’re so right about the absurdity of expressing American Exceptionalism especially after this madness.

          I think there was a perfect storm for Repubs to win big in 2010 but it can’t happen again ( the recession still intense and the fear whipped up over the ACA and the GOP being out of power completely).

          I am very encouraged that the Repubs have overreached and will pay a steep price in 2014.

  7. Very funny stuff Ad. Great satire. Funny and painfully true.

  8. M Cubed says:

    Brilliant, utterly Brilliant! You have hit the nail on the head, Ad Lib!

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