One thing that Republicans are immensely skilled at (thanks to their bifurcated tongues) is being able to simultaneously talk out of both sides of their mouths…while blowing bubbles and whistling The Battle Hymn of the Republic.
We are now getting to bask in this remarkable talent of theirs as they simultaneously force a government shutdown on America while blaming President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, all Democrats, Park Rangers, France, nude sculptures of Lady Justice and twerking for it.
This is a gift that should not be wasted and the leader of the Tea Party members in Congress has now recognized this. Sen. Ted Cruz, who has raised a huge amount of political contributions due to his leading Republicans to shut down government, has now announced that Republicans will be providing their services for those most in need of them…and who can afford to pay the steep price for them.
In doing their market research, Cruz and his crew discovered that a greatly underserved base of potential clients who would benefit most from what they have to offer are serial killers. To jumpstart their solicitation to this free marketplace, Cruz and the GOP have created a sell sheet that they’ve posted on their new website for their new venture”Core Republicans Ensuring Equality for People and Society” (CREEPS).
As a teaser, they have posted the following Five Point Plan to demonstrate their know-how at how to commit heinous acts without being held responsible:
CREEP’S FIVE POINT PLAN FOR KILLER SUCCESS
1. Never target someone who has a strong voice or who is powerful. Females, minorities, students and the poor make for great victims…trust us!
2. When you’re looking for a victim, first ask yourself, “How easy would it be to photoshop them to look threatening and how scary would they come off if I played ominous music behind a video of them?”
3. Never under any circumstances accept any responsibility for your actions. Don’t say, “I stabbed her because…”, instead say, “She clearly murdered herself by repeatedly plunging her back onto the knife I was holding, she was a brutal and monstrous self-killer.”
4. Use market research to come up with alternative descriptions and phrases for things that would otherwise sound negative to the public. For example, instead of “murder victim”, you could use the term for them as, “job taker”. Instead of having “killed” someone, say that you “protected them from future harm”.
5. Blackmail and extortion are your best negotiating tools. When holding hostages, threaten to kill them all if you don’t get your demands met. Accuse the police of being the ones who are taking hostages because they won’t give you the helicopter and $10 million dollars you’re asking for, if only they had a conversation with you and negotiated so that you got everything you wanted, the hostages would be free.
The Republican Party, as CREEP, have an eye towards real growth for this venture. Ted Cruz boasts, “Think how many murderers there are in the U.S., now think about the world! That represents a very profitable revenue stream for us! And do I need to mention how bright the future could be for us by building a working relationship with global terrorism? We’ll make a killing!”