Thanks to the crack team at PlanetPOV temporarily laying off the crack and doing some investigative work for a change, we are able to bring to you this exclusive advance draft of the speech Mitt Romney will give tonight.
Inspired by Spinal Tap, The Office, Borat and Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mitt Romney is actually a brilliant satirist using the spotlight of the Presidential election to play the realistic-seeming role of a clueless wealthy goofball who's always saying the wrong thing and humiliating himself.
How can these people believe in me as an all powerful deity yet also believe that I'm governed by the PTA?
Some people might say that the Romney upside-down and backwards mindset on virtually everything is through-the-looking-glass thinking...and they'd be right!
ROMNEY: "I like Mexicans food, it's just the right taste. My wife and I often have a case of dillas, typically with cheese."
"We do think we have a better shot than the Democrats at appealing to the pale white, mortified, brain dead, no information voter but that's not why we're doing this," Karl Rove evilly gloated, twirling a fake handlebar mustache he had just attached above his lip.
Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, announced today at a gathering of high profile Republicans and Wall Street executives that the GOP is formally divorcing reality on grounds of irreconcilable differences.
One thing that America greatly values is its free press...which is why its been locked up in a safe that's hidden miles below the Earth's surface. Filling in for it, we have a corporatized Mainstream Media which looks just like the real thing only less filling.
Romney says corporations should be able to marry, gun manufacturing corporations should be allowed to have shotgun weddings, the energy industry deserves to have a nuclear family if they so choose and competing corporations should have the moral right to get into bed with each other.
There are complications that go along with having an eight year old boy as your campaign adviser including setting up playdates for him with Rick Perry and Herman Cain and having to discipline the adult staff to "act their age" so they're on a par with him.