Against a backdrop of Republican politicians training on monkey bars, Reince Priebus fired an AK-47 into the air with the heads of Al Qaeda and the Taliban to announce a merger of the three organizations. This new entity, named for the first initials of each group, RAT, came together very quickly.
“When we first approached both groups, we were a little tentative,” Priebus remarked. “But it was surprisingly a natural fit. In our first conversation, we all agreed on limiting the rights of women, passing laws that enforced extreme religious beliefs, making it legal for people to kill minorities and restricting the right of those who oppose us to vote. I never knew how similar we could be to people who weren’t white,” expressed Priebus. “We do think of ourselves as a ‘big tent’ party which may be why we were so comfortable meeting with Al Qaeda and the Taliban in a big tent in Pakistan.”
“The real kicker was when we told them about what we were doing with our political power in the US, we explained that we were trying to slash funding and safety nets for the poor and the majority, undermine public education and allow oil companies and the wealthy to dominate our nation…we all had to shout ‘Jinx!’. And then, when we told them how we were threatening to not raise the debt ceiling and destroy the American and world economies if our demands were not met, they got excited like little kids and were saying, ‘Hey! We want to destroy America too!’ We had so much in common, it would have been unAmerican for us not to welcome them on board.”
Priebus described it as the best of all possible worsts. “We feel we can bring a lot to Al Qaeda and the Taliban when it comes to how best to terrorize America and bankrupt it until it is too helpless to do anything as well as how to best recruit mindless, sociopathic followers. Meanwhile, we can use their expertise on making videotaped extortion threats, establishing a theocracy and marketing burkas to women,” Priebus explained.
When asked if there were any reservations about going into business with a terrorist group, Priebus responded, “There was that worry at the outset but after a lot of conversations, deliberations and persuasion, we were able to convince Al Qaeda and the Taliban to put that concern behind them and come on board with us.”
AdLib – I just want to know how you got them all together for that photo op…
Funny and sad.
Neither side sees the similarities.
agrippa, they also have in common an aggressive tunnel vision that prevents them from having any empathy for others or awareness of what destructive extremists they are. They all see themselves as heroic crusaders who regard all the people they attack as enemies in the way of their achieving their righteous goals. They have no clue that they are the evil ones nor how much they have in common with others who they view as clearly evil.
At this point, is there any question what party a Bond villain would join?
Ok, you owe me a box of tissues used to clean the coffee off my cardi. 😆
Hilarious but at the same time eye opening because they actually do have all these evil traits in common. The only real difference is that Al-Qa’ida and the Taliban wouldn’t have to bow to women at election time because they would not be allowed to vote.
Did you see the story I posted this morning about Al-Qa’ida and imagine the Repubs there in their “Kiss the Chef” aprons and funny party hats?
Al-Qa’ida Family Fun Day??? 😯
Video: Al-Qa’ida holds family fun day in war torn Aleppo
Sorry, this video is no longer available on YouTube because the account has been closed. I wonder why? 😉
” I never knew how similar we could be to people who weren’t white,” expressed Priebus”. Priceless. 😆
Thanks for the laughs AdLib, I was ready for some right about now.
Cheers, Kalima! One box of PlanetPOV brand tissues on the way!
I did read that article in MB today and yes, I would guess that the Republican equivalent would be their having a neighborhood barbecue in the rural deep South using the fire of burning crosses.
I wonder, if you put one of the Taliban, Al Qaeda and a Republican at separate computers in different locations and typed and translated their responses to questions about race, religion, women and what they think is best for the nation, would it be difficult to figure out who gave which response?
Now that’s a reality show I want to host!
Maybe I should change that to “Arm the Chef”. 😉
All joking aside, I think we would be hard pressed to distinguish the Repubs from the terrorists as their ambitions run parallel on all the issues you pointed out in your post.
Someone just rang on the bell, must be those Planet tissues. Thanks a bunch. 🙂
😆 AdLib, this is laugh-out-loud funny. Truly one of your best articles!
There’s only one element that might have been added to make it even closer to the truth: they might have invited the Cosa Nostra, the yakuza and the Russian mafia to join the party. All of the aforementioned could learn a lot about persuasive techniques from Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan. And for entertainment there could be a medley of Carnival Cruise lounge tunes from Silvio Berlusconi, accompanied by Ted Nugent. Catering by Paula Deen in a burka.
Kes, thanks and love your additions! We could also add suicide bombers being tutored by Baggers, the KKK being schooled on how to deal with the media by Steve King and Louis Gohmert and Michele Bachmann instructing Kim Jong-Un on how to win staring contests with your adversaries.
Then there are these guys. Here’s a visual of a Saudi Arabian conference on “Women in Society.” Notice anything missing in this crowd? Perhaps…women…? 😳
Wow Kes, that looks so different from the speakers chosen for the Republican House’s hearing on Women and the Contraception rule in the ACA:
Ad, they do have the same set of values (or non values). Disrespecting women, gays, and people who don’t agree with them. I think is more sad then funny. That said I do get the humor.
That’s of course my point, it is hard to draw a big separation between the basics of being a Repub and either of these two terror groups. What’s truly sad is that they are still supported enough to remain a major party when they are de facto, terrorists.
How else would one describe an organization that would terrorize a nation and use extortion which threatens the security of the US, to get their agenda advanced when democracy won’t support it?
NOW you’ve depressed me! This is so real it’s frightening. But oddly funny, too…
It’s happened before, when a parody I wrote actually became reality but I don’t think this would really happen…the Taliban would never lower themselves to joining with the GOP.
OMG – may this never come to pass, though, now I think of it, it already did. When Reagan made his secret deal with Shia extremists, all that was left out were the specific players’ names.
With the majority of 9/11 perpetrators from Saudi Arabia and the Big Guy part of the royal family, Bush inched us that much closer, too.
So horror of horrors – this may not be fiction at all, AdLib! You may be on to something! Yikes!
CL, you know, maybe it’s not so far from the truth after all. As you say, Reagan and the Repubs made the Iran Contra deal with the terrorists holding our people hostage in Iran…as a payoff for holding them as long as Carter remained President.
And as you say, there is a long historic relationship between the Saudis and the Bush family.
Maybe it’s not so far fetched to imagine another collaboration between these RATs.