Against a backdrop of Republican politicians training on monkey bars, Reince Priebus fired an AK-47 into the air with the heads of Al Qaeda and the Taliban to announce a merger of the three organizations. This new entity, named for the first initials of each group, RAT, came together very quickly.
“When we first approached both groups, we were a little tentative,” Priebus remarked. “But it was surprisingly a natural fit. In our first conversation, we all agreed on limiting the rights of women, passing laws that enforced extreme religious beliefs, making it legal for people to kill minorities and restricting the right of those who oppose us to vote. I never knew how similar we could be to people who weren’t white,” expressed Priebus. “We do think of ourselves as a ‘big tent’ party which may be why we were so comfortable meeting with Al Qaeda and the Taliban in a big tent in Pakistan.”
“The real kicker was when we told them about what we were doing with our political power in the US, we explained that we were trying to slash funding and safety nets for the poor and the majority, undermine public education and allow oil companies and the wealthy to dominate our nation…we all had to shout ‘Jinx!’. And then, when we told them how we were threatening to not raise the debt ceiling and destroy the American and world economies if our demands were not met, they got excited like little kids and were saying, ‘Hey! We want to destroy America too!’ We had so much in common, it would have been unAmerican for us not to welcome them on board.”
Priebus described it as the best of all possible worsts. “We feel we can bring a lot to Al Qaeda and the Taliban when it comes to how best to terrorize America and bankrupt it until it is too helpless to do anything as well as how to best recruit mindless, sociopathic followers. Meanwhile, we can use their expertise on making videotaped extortion threats, establishing a theocracy and marketing burkas to women,” Priebus explained.
When asked if there were any reservations about going into business with a terrorist group, Priebus responded, “There was that worry at the outset but after a lot of conversations, deliberations and persuasion, we were able to convince Al Qaeda and the Taliban to put that concern behind them and come on board with us.”