GOP Chairman and professional rodeo clown, Reince Priebus, announced that the Republican National Committee will boycott NBC and CNN for their debates if they go forward with a planned miniseries and a documentary about Hillary Clinton. He also proclaimed that the GOP would ban itself from attending its own debates due to their supporting and financing Citizens United’s anti-Hillary Clinton film in 2008 that caused the Supreme Court ruling of the same name.
Priebus’ complaint is about the improper role of a news network in any way promoting a candidate or political party (even if someone isn’t currently or hasn’t announced if they will be a candidate), he explained in his interview on Fox News, current or previous home to Republican Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee.
This puts NBC and CNN in a very difficult position. Do they allow a political hack and and an extremist party to take an GOP-elephant sized crap on the First Amendment and dictate to them what they can broadcast (a real selling point to giving the GOP the White House and control over the FCC) or do they ignore the threat and risk not being able to run episodes of the upcoming screwball comedy titled, “The 2016 GOP Presidential Debates”?
Fortunately, there is a solution. NBC and CNN should provide equal time to the GOP for movies based on their own prospective Presidential candidates. Here are some pitches for movies that the GOP should consider enlisting Citizens United to produce and request airtime for on NBC:
CRUZIN’ FOR A BRUISIN’
Ted Cruz plays a boxer who has an undefeated record but is disrespected by the public for having only fought shadows and poor minority children. When a blind elderly woman bumps into him at a supermarket, he realizes that this is opportunity to update his image and show America who he really is so he challenges her to a brutal showdown in the ring.
A meteor falls to Earth in Rand Paul’s backyard and when he touches it, his head is transformed into solid stone (though it looks the same and no one can tell the difference). Despite all efforts, scientists and construction workers find they are unable to get through it. Using his new found power, Rand insists that a new America be built exactly as he’s designed it in a blueprint or he will destroy America by bludgeoning it with his unusually hardened head.
THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR (OF LUNACY)
Rick Perry is the governor of a huge southern state where women are treated as cattle and cattle are treated better than minorities. After signing a law that children will now play soccer using a handgun instead of a ball, Perry participates in a demonstration of the revised sport and is knocked out when he tries to slam an AK-47 into the goal with his head. When he awakes, he discovers that he has lost the ability to reason or remember anything, especially lists of three or more things which soon makes him a favorite to win the GOP nomination for President.
GROUNDHOG DAY – AGAIN
Jeb Bush visits a small town in New Hampshire and as he explores a run for the Presidency, discovers that each day he’s reliving the same rejection and animosity that his brother George inspired. Try as he might to escape it, he finds that no matter how he lies and manipulates to change the way people think of him, it’s the same story again and again.
PLAY CHRISTIE FOR ME
Chris Christie is a well known radio host and after having a one night stand with fans who are seemingly normal Tea Partiers, he is stalked by them for dumping them. Obsessed with his destruction, they come after him with sharp knives then take his party hostage and threaten to kill it if he doesn’t love them as they want. Christie has to decide between giving in to their demands or giving into their demands.
Come on Republicans, one of these has got to work for you, just give one a green light and then as Republicans love to say, it’s, “Lights! Camera! Inaction!”