Reince Priebus, the most important Priebus in the Republican Party, announced today that after their successes in getting anti-abortion legislation passed by sneaking around public disclosure and review procedures, that they will now expand this practice to other states.
“I can’t tell you how ecstatic Republicans feel right now,” Priebus explained. “For years we’ve courted the public on passing anti-abortion laws and they spurned us. We’ve grown so frustrated that the way we felt on these issues wasn’t being returned, we had to do something about it or we’d burst so we just grabbed the best looking bills we could find and thrust our legislation into them. Just proves that when it comes to passing anti-abortion laws, “no doesn’t always mean “no”, sometimes it means “aye”, smiled Priebus.
Priebus went on to say how upset he and other Republicans are at being called anti-women. “That is so unfair and untrue. In fact, we’re working with ALEC on passing legislation in every state that would require all women who call Republicans anti-woman to get ultrasounds of their brains so we can see if a tumor or some other illness else is causing them to be more irrational…than usual,” he chuckled. “Seriously, all we care about is protecting the health of women. ”
When asked if it was ethical to sneak anti-abortion laws into bills banning Sharia law or protecting motorcycle drivers, Priebus responded, “The public may say “no” in their polls but they’re saying “yes” in their re-elections. We don’t see anything wrong with the way we treat women, the public or our democracy. A party has needs and there are times when you just have to act on them. When you look at the public, the way it makes itself up, how loosely it conducts itself, it’s just asking for it anyway.”
Priebus instead believes that women will be flocking to the GOP because of the way they’re legislating their anti-abortion bills. “I think that women will look at today’s GOP and say, “They’re so strong and forceful, we’d love to be serving them!” Additionally, we have a five point strategy to attract women. First, we have asked Ann Romney to coach the several gals we have in the party to say to their constituents, “We love you, women!” Second, we will stress how wealthy we are. Third, we will have our most attractive wives bake cookies that they will pass out in swimsuits and high heels. Fourth, we will compliment them on their hair, shoes and ask if they’ve lost weight. Fifth, we’ll just order them to vote for us. We think it’s a winning strategy!”
Priebus looked ahead to other bills in other states that the GOP is targeting for inserting anti-abortion legislation, “We’re got our hands all over a hot little number in Louisiana and we’re mentally undressing another bill in Florida.”