There was great outrage last week after 47 Republican Senators wrote a letter to Iran’s leaders. Their intent was to undermine President Obama’s constitutional authority to negotiate foreign policy in hopes of killing a peaceful agreement that prevented Iran from possessing nuclear weapons.
What many people do not know is that two letters were signed by these GOP Senators on that same day, one to Iran and one to Ares, God of War. The letter to Ares is quite different and has been kept secret by the GOP. However, thanks to a team of socialists, liberals and Muslims we hired, who are of course naturally connected with evil, we were able to obtain a copy of that letter which we’re told was chiefly drafted by South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. The complete text is below:
Dear Ares, God of War,
Hi! What are you doing? Um, we just wanted to say hi and…um…I guess you probably know cause like everyone’s gossiping and stuff about it but…we’ve got a crush on you.
You could tell, huh? We just think about you all the time, like the whole day…and um…at night too. We have dreams about you…like…you’re standing on a big mountain watching lotsa nuclear explosions going off in Iran and Israel and stuff and…we’re like, standing right beside you , hugging and kissing you and posting selfies of us making out on Twitter.
You are so cute! We love everything about you, that cute little glint in your eye when you’re like, watching “collateral damage”, you have such a sexy roar you make when people blow up and you’re just so lovable the way you laugh with everything you’ve got when two countries or religions think God is behind them in trying to destroy the other. You get us so hot! All we can think about is Armageddon-it-on with you!
And our BFFs love you too but you know that. We’re not jealous of them, they make all the weapons you need everyone to have and they give us lots of money to get elected so we can help them and you! I know it may sound gross but…we talked about maybe at the same time we could both give you warhead?
You don’t have to say you love us too, it’s okay. But if you do, that would be so incredible! We could get married and stuff and no one would ever come between us. I mean, as long as you break it off with that Putin guy. But we’re not telling you what to do or anything! You tell us what you want and we’ll totally do it! Just ask Bibi!
So Ares, we hope you know now how totally crazy we are about you and how we’d like do anything to prove it to you. Other than actually fight in a war ourselves, I mean that’s like really dangerous.
Talk to you soon! Can’t wait! But until then, we’ll be thinking about you every day, with every lobbyist’s campaign contribution we get! Waiting for war is hell!
Yours forever and ever (until the Rapture),
47 Republican Senators