The election of Donald Trump as President has unleashed a great deal of primal hatred and bigotry around the nation, offering affirmation to those who have yearned to escape society’s “politically correct” shackles of having to pretend to be decent human beings.
Unexpectedly, a new manner of expressing themselves has been catching (or discovering) fire with such Trump supporters…going caveman.
To participate in this new (anti)social movement, Trump supporters vow to only speak (or tweet) in grunts and groans, express anger toward any who don’t look like part of their tribe and stop shaving and showering. These “New-anderthals” as they call themselves, claim their practice has been going on for many months but it only seems new because the public hasn’t been able to tell them apart from regular Trump supporters.
“We am here to stay just like first Neanderthals,” grunted Trump supporter and Newanderthal, Clyde Ham, previously explaining that part of the lifestyle includes not “con-jew-gating” verbs properly because they own the banks.
Instead of clothes, Ham proudly wore a pelt around his waist made of many rat hides sewn together, proudly bragging that he only needed to kill one tiny field mouse to have a pelt that sufficiently fit him as underwear.
Ham now lives in a cave, many miles away from his modest home that was coincidentally foreclosed on by JP Morgan Chase Bank, the CEO of which is in the running to become Trump’s Treasury Secretary. “Me happy in cave instead. Have running water…well…have to run to get water. Built in heat and air when sun is out and wind blows. And best of all, have second amendment rights to protect cave from terrorists…but mostly bats.”
One thing Ham hasn’t given up is his cell phone and internet access. “Trolls live in caves!” Ham laughed about hysterically for four and a half minutes before choking on a bit of rat meat that was sucked loose from his teeth. “Me on internet all day making libtards crazy! It as American as Russians!”
Ham does have a mailbox leaning up against his cave and scoffed at a summons he received to appear for assault against a woman hiker.
“Me wanted her so me grabbed her, just like President would! Me try to drag back to my cave but she libtard and maced me. And them want to put me in jail?! Can’t wait for President Trump to make law forcing all women to like me as Constitution says! ”
Touting the growing popularity of the Newanderthal movement, Ham explained that he has joined a club club…that is a club of fellow Newanderthals who have acquired clubs to beat others with. “We call clubs ‘arguments’. We win debates with libtards with them, on climate change, civil rights, we just swing ‘arguments’ at them and we win! Who smart now? Really…who smart? Me want to ‘argue’ with them now,” Ham shouted as he frothed at the mouth and beat his chest with his club…soon falling down and clutching his chest after having knocked the wind out of himself.
As Ham demonstrated, America will have to come to terms with dealing for the next four years with the self-destructive, field-mouse-pelt-crotched, Newanderthal crowd that has backed and supports the presidency of Donald Trump.
Following something Groucho Marx once said, perhaps the solution for the rest of America is to join a club too and beat them over the head with it.