FDR - McCain

Time travel may be the stuff of science fiction but thanks to a new discovery in quantum physics based on Republicans’ obsession with the past, Republicans now have the technology to travel backwards in time.

What is the first thing they will do with this new, transformative power? Will they go back before 9/11 to stop the terrorists before they can board the planes? Will they go back before the economic crash of 2008 and warn Wall Street of the disaster they were going to create? Will they prevent the conception of Miley Cyrus?

Well, that question has already been answered. The first mission for Republican time travelers has already been completed, it was to go back in time to December 8, 1941, the day after the attack on Pearl Harbor, and blame then-President Franklin Delano Roosevelt for the attack.

Quotes now appear in the newspapers of that time from Republican politicians of our time. Here are some excerpts:

The Anchorage Daily News, Dec. 8, 1941
After inexplicably claiming that she could see Japan from her front porch, future Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin addressed Japan’s shocking attack on Pearl Harbor yesterday, “Look, the perception of Roosevelt, of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness,” she stated with a beaming smile. “People are looking at Tojo as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who sits in a wheelchair and equivocates and bloviates.”

===

The New York Times, Dec. 8, 1941

Future New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani expressed bemusement at yesterday’s devastating attack on Pearl Harbor, “Tojo decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? He decided he had to go to their Emperor — he went to their Emperor, he got permission in 15 minutes. He makes a decision and he executes it, quickly. And then everybody reacts. That’s what you call a leader. President Roosevelt has gotta think about it, he’s got to go over it again, he’s got to talk to more people about it,” Giuliani joked.

===

The Arizona Republic, Dec. 8, 1941

After meeting his 1941 self as a strangely, still old looking man, future Arizona Senator John McCain addressed the significance of the attack on Pearl Harbor, “Why do we care? Because this is the ultimate result of a feckless foreign policy where nobody believes in America’s strength any more.” McCain then drank a bottle of a product from the future called, “Ensure” and curled up on the floor to take a nap.

===

The Post & Courier, Dec. 8, 1941

At first confusing journalists at this newspaper with a claim that he wanted to “tweet”, future South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham addressed yesterday’s shocking attack on Pearl Harbor, “We have a weak and indecisive president that invites aggression. It started with Benghazi in 2012. When you kill Americans and nobody pays a price, you invite this type of aggression in the past.”

===

The Washington Post, Dec. 9, 1941

In a surprising response to the statements of the Republicans from the future, Hideki Tōjō, Prime minister of Japan and Germany’s Führer Adolf Hitler wrote a joint letter to express their complete agreement with these time traveling conservatives and their gratitude for the aid and comfort these Republicans provided to them, “It can be a thankless job, attacking and invading countries that are unprepared to defend themselves. Most are so quick to blame the country launching the attack. It’s refreshing to see at least one party of politicians in an enemy country, blame their own leader for the attacks that we planned and carried out. It encourages us and inspires us to keep on going and for that, we thank you.”

Due to the mystery of the quantum mechanics involved in this time travel process, the bodies of these Republicans were able to return to the present but their minds remain trapped in the past. Remarkably, no difference in them was noted.

When asked what they planned to do next in time travelling, Sen. McCain replied, “First, we’re going back to blame the weakness of that RINO, Theodore Roosevelt for causing the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 then we’ll go back 5,000 years so we can watch people riding dinosaurs…and blame President Obama for their extinction.”

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James Michael Brodie
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There is one “flaw” in this brilliant piece: Are we to believe the GOP to be capable of understanding… um… science…?

🙂

Love this article, AdLib. Well done!

jjgravitas
Member
jjgravitas

It’s too bad the current GOP/Tea can’t all go back to the 1940’s. They’d be lost without their FOX News / radio talk show echo chamber. Their kind of extremism didn’t play well back in the day. They would have been ignored. No one would have listened to them much less voted for them. And if they talked about FDR the way they now talk about Obama, they would have gotten the hell beat out of them. They may yet still.

pinkpantheroz
Member

Fantastic piece of satirical legerdemain, AdLib. I hope that the MSM is pounding the wormholes (beautiful, that. What’s lower than a worms anus?!:) ) and I hope that Crash McCain gets his rightful pounding. Maybe Miley’s Mum could bring her to Australia and let the dingo take her.

funksands
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[/img]

James Michael Brodie
Member

Luv It!!!

KillgoreTrout
Member

Good one funk. This gave me a good morning chuckle. 🙂

pinkpantheroz
Member

Brilliant, Funk! Where did you get that??

funksands
Member

Pink, its from the Dave Chapelle Show circa 2005. Ahead of his time….

kesmarn
Admin

This is just wonderful, AdLib. You and Nicholas Kristoff were really on the same page today. Here’s a paragraph from his latest column:

“The Soviet Union didn’t invade Hungary because of President Eisenhower’s weakness, nor Czechoslovakia because of President Johnson’s weakness. Russia didn’t help dismember Moldova because of George H.W. Bush’s weakness or invade Georgia because of George W. Bush’s.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/06/opinion/kristof-whos-the-villain-here.html?smid=fb-share

The worst BAD consequence of the GOP’s adventure in time-travelling, though, was that when they managed to get back to the 21st century, they brought Joe McCarthy back with them. He goes by the name Teddy Cruz these days.

choicelady
Member

OK – but Kristoff said Obama’s tactics on Syria were ‘weak’. No. He got Putin to support Obama’s push to abolish chemical weapons that Putin had declared he would not do. THAT is outstanding. He bluffed Putin with military intervention, made sure Congress had to make the decision, and got Putin to the bargaining table w Syria and the deed is done. Much progress has been made already in abolishing those horrific weapons. I’m SO TIRED of columnists having knee jerk reactions to things. President Obama knew exactly what to do – and did it. We all won thanks to him.

kesmarn
Admin

I had some reservations about that part of Kristof’s article too, c’lady. For starters — exactly how was the President supposed to arm the moderate opposition in Syria while making sure none of those arms would end up in the hands of Al-Qaeda? And without putting any “boots on the ground”? I don’t think he had any realistic options to the course that he took. Granted there’s been an absurd amount of foot-dragging on turning over the chemical weapons, but sooner or later I believe the job will be done.

KillgoreTrout
Member

Ha! Kudos Ad, for another fine piece of satire. Great concept. Somebody should see about shutting up some of those worm holes. In the wrong hands….well, you know.

Maybe we can get Stephen Hawking to look into that! Btw way, loved the bit about preventing the conception of Miley Cyrus! 😉 Maybe while they’re at it, they could prevent the conception of Ted Nugent AND his parents.

Nirek
Member

Ad, you’ve done it again. Great post. I had no idea we had actually gotten to the point of time travel.

Did you see the article in the “Texas Tribune”?
Future senator “Ted Cruz” blamed the anti gun lobby for the Pearl Harbor attack. It seems that the anti gun people are responsible for the start of the First World War as well.
Ted was quoted saying “These flower totin’ peace lovers want to deny us our rights to bare arms.”