I thought God might be pleased with the Texas education board putting him into their textbooks (he likes to try to stay ahead of Paris Hilton in popularity) but he instead asked me to publish this blog for Him:

Okay, I may be Old Testament School but though I’m flattered that some Texans would rather have me in their schools than gravity, I’m not comfortable going back into the classroom. I can’t fit my legs under those desks anymore and…my teen years were a bit awkward, I’d rather not be reminded of them.

This situation’s made clear that there are a few misunderstandings about me so I think now may be a good time to clear up some of them:

a. I am not American

Okay, maybe I was the first and most primal American Idol but I’m not American. That doesn’t mean I have a Nigerian birth certificate either. It’s like that old joke about Lincoln being born in a log cabin that he helped his father build, how could I have been born in a country on a planet that I created? So if I wasn’t born in America and I haven’t married an American woman (you should see my eHarmony profile, “Seeking a married virgin to get pregnant but not looking to leave her husband.”) , I don’t even have a green card.

How could I be American? I mean, I’m supposed to be everyone’s God, you know? How would Americans feel if I told them I was Canadian and liked them best? I do like back bacon but the bottom line is that I can’t hold a passport from any nation because my head shot would be way too big to fit on one.

b.  I am not an advocate of capitalism.

Believe me, after I lost a bundle in the tulip crash, the stock market crash, the dot com crash, the housing crash, I’m capitalismed out. I really don’t know where folks got the idea that I favor any economic system. When you’re eternal, you don’t even have a concept of possession.  What someone owns right now will eventually be someone else’s after enough time passes. Everything that’s physical today will eventually be transformed into something else. Except Twinkies…those damn things last forever.

Are folks really asking themselves, WDWJII (What Derivatives Would Jesus Invest In)? Like lots of people losing their homes and buried in credit card debt, my son was totally down on the money changers. He didn’t have a single credit card, really.

He and I pretty much see eye-to-eye on this, economic systems shouldn’t be worshiped. They should just be tools for making the lives of the most people the best they can be. If they’re not working great to do that, they should just be changed until and so they do.

The way some down there are about capitalism is like insisting on wearing the same  bikini that fit 20 years and 30 pounds ago.   It really doesn’t fit America like it used to, it’s come apart at the seams and needs to be mended. And adding a bit of Spandex wouldn’t hurt.

c. I don’t want to be President of the U.S.

No offense to Pres. Obama or any presidents before him but for me, that would really be a bit of a job demotion from omnipotent lord of all creation, you know? And can you imagine the way I’d be attacked if I ran? “He doesn’t stop the devil, can we trust him to stop Bin Laden?” or “He’s almost as old as John McCain, his VP is just one Atheist’s argument away from becoming president”.

Actually, I have an appreciation for the separation between church and state…really miss that, anyone know whatever happened to it?

d. The Devil is not responsible for the things and/or people you don’t like.

Many people blame The Devil or demons possessing people for things that happen or are said that they don’t like. They would be correct more often blaming bad things on high fructose corn syrup.

The truth is that Satan’s been going through a bit of depression lately, it’s a bit of the Empty Nest syndrome. Enough little evils have grown up in enough people in the world, Satan just doesn’t feel needed anymore. I don’t want to say he’s become very needy but every time I see him he asks, “Do these horns make my face look fat?”

So, just try to think of me like your parents. Humanity has grown up, moved out and is living in its own apartment. It can stay up late and party without regard for the consequences, it can be conscientious and dedicated to doing well at its work, it can care about its neighbors and help them or steal their Sunday newspapers.

Humanity can always call me to talk, I know my advice isn’t always wanted and I’m okay with that. Other times, I know how appreciated it is.

I won’t interfere in Humanity’s life and I only ask one thing of it, please no more ties on my birthday, I’ve got a whole closet of them and honestly, I never wear them.

Peace!

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HITO
Member
HITO

Love the way you humanized God, Adlib.

I tell my kids, don’t bother God with the day to day stuff, she’s got enough on her plate with those 8 years of Bush to fix.

And of course Terry Gilliam’s Monty Python depiction was the cherry on the cake! Was waiting for the lips to move while hearing Terry Jones voice.

javaz
Member

HITO!!!!

It’s a miracle! (cue the heavenly music)

Great to see you and hope you stick around for Vox Populi!

I’ve missed you, HITO!

HITO
Member
HITO

No miracle sweet Javaz. I’m just roaming tonight.

Feeling a little sentimental lately for the old days…circa 2008 when PPOV/FRT/HP oldsters gave it their all.

Was glad to read Adlib’s divine interpretation. Maybe I needed that.

How’ve you been?

Better read up on what Vox Populi is so I don’t embarass myself in 20 minutes.

javaz
Member

Vox Populi is different now, and since California is now on Arizona time, I am going to make it!

Well, as long as my dial-up allows.

We don’t do the debate thing anymore but discuss things in a free-for-all style and if AdLib runs it and then leaves, well, all hell breaks loose and the spitballs start flying and the boys tug on our pigtails!

LMAO

Am doing good, thank you for asking, and how are you?

And those of us here are still giving it our all!

Although, I do seem to be a troublemaker at times but they still keep me!!!

LMAO

HITO
Member
HITO

You made me laugh. I needed that. Thanks.

Went over to FRT and HP today. I keep thinking “What’s happened to us?”. We were so smart and powerful back then and we were united for the cause. I miss those days.

Anyway, free style AND pigtail pulling?

Oh boy, I’m in.

I’ll follow your lead after I go get a glass of pinot.

Thanks again Javaz.

KQµårk 死神
Member

Too many people decided to let the thoughts of others become their thoughts. That’s what I think happened.

javaz
Member

We’re united again for the HCR vote this Sunday!!!

Hey, if you’re having wine, well then, I am opening a beer!

Hee-hee – if Ad Lib leaves, am putting a tack on his chair!

HITO
Member
HITO

LMAO…like I tell Seek: “ETS”…”enjoythe silly” and your tack prank goes right there.

(What no sign on his back saying “Hit Me”?)

KQµårk 死神
Member

It’s nice to have a group of people united FOR something. It seems like it’s been a long time since that happened.

KQµårk 死神
Member

Hear! Hear!

HITO
Member
HITO

Hi KQuark.

How’ve you been? Good to see you.

KQµårk 死神
Member

I’ve been doing better thanks for asking.

I hope you are doing well.

javaz
Member

Rut-roh, AdLib – does God have any comments regarding the Vatican blaming Satan and calling in their # 1 exorcist to address all the abuse scandals happening in Europe?

At the very least, maybe Satan will get a long-needed laugh at the exorcist working his magic over the pedophiles and other abusers.

And isn’t it just the cutest little thing that the # 1 Satan-eradicator blames women for all the naughtiness?

You say you hadn’t been aware the Vatican even had an official exorcist? Thought that stuff was just for Linda Blair movies? That’s likely because, prior to last week, the Vatican had permitted its exorcist to grant one interview in the entire last century. Now, suddenly he’s doing the rounds like he’s got a new rom-com with Gerard Butler opening Friday.

Speaking to La Republica last week, Amorth, who in fact does have a new book, “Memoirs of an Exorcist,” to shill, said, “When one speaks of ‘the smoke of Satan’ in the holy rooms, it is all true

nellie
Member

Posted by a friend on facebook today:

javaz
Member

As you know, I can’t watch the video yet, but hopefully soon.

Anyway, this reminds me of an old joke.

So, there was a bishop that was aware of problems within the priesthood, especially the new recruits.

There were murmurs of scandals whereby the new priests in training weren’t celibate.

So, the bishop had all the priests line up naked with a bell tied to their naughty bits, and then had a naked woman walk along the line, and if a bell rang, that guy was out.

And sure enough, the beautiful shapely woman with double-D’s walked passed all the naked priests-to-be, and a bell rang.

The bishop ordered him out of the room, and as that naked guy walked past, every single bell rang.

LMAO

LiseLives
Guest
LiseLives

That’s absolutely hilarious !
I had heard it a while ago, but had forgotten the ‘smaller’ details 😆

nellie
Member

There’s no video to this one, javaz — it’s just a photo. I think your story makes a perfect caption!

BigDogMom
Member
BigDogMom

So God, asking for a pox on both their houses for these Christianistas is out?

Oh, and send Satan my regards, thinking of him, a lot of people are going through tough times now. Many have been made redundant like he during this recession, tell him to keep his horns up, something will come up for him. Taking up a hobby or volunteer work is great therapy, will keep his mind off his troubles. Tell him, this too shall pass…..

boomer1949
Member

Thanks God, it’s been awhile! 🙂

Over last weekend, I was thinking to myself (a real chore for me to begin with), seriously though, I was thinking to myself it was about time to hear from God. Surprise! And although he was out of town, of course in my case he always is, he read my mind. I’m so glad he caught me thinking to myself because he expresses all my jumbled thoughts much more eloquently than I.

No wonder I had a headache all weekend. 😆

LiseLives
Guest
LiseLives

LOL !

Khirad
Member

I’ve been know on occasion to rock out to the Devil’s music and I think Satan might have something to say one of these days.

After he get’s out of his depression, that is. Seriously, he’s bummed out getting misunderstood and blamed for evil of inferior quality.

He was never same after getting taken down by Tenacious D.

whatsthatsound
Member

So, God, do you mean some of the OTHER things they put in the textbooks aren’t true, either? Our first president, Ronald Reagan, DIDN’T chop down the cherry tree because a bunch of commies were hiding up there?
I just don’t know who to believe any more!

FrankenPC
Member

I love this. It’s like an injection of reality in a sea of insanity.

I would also include the following:

“One more thing, white Southerners scare me. Please stop pretending that you are my people. I would rather be worshiped by Kim Jong Il”

SueInCa
Member

Love it!

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Yo, God!

Thanks for weighing in on my home state’s crazies. I mean, aren’t textbooks boring enough, without putting all their Republicrap in it? It was enough for me to ALMOST take Your name in vain. Instead, I used Your old pal, DICK Cheney. I mean, he shot his friend IN THE FACE here in what we call “God’s Country”, and THEN got his friend to apologize for it! Whack, right? But being as You put me here, Lord, (and I do sing “Why Me, Lord?” to You – can’t You have given me a better voice???)- why can’t You put brains into some of these folks’ heads? It’s not all about the hair………..or is it?

Ever Your humble servant (with hair that is much too fine),
AlphaBitch

LiseLives
Guest
LiseLives

It’s not all about the hair …or is it ? LOL –
& your hair’s fine ….(oops, sorry), great 😀

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Thanks, LL. And yours is lovely as well. Even though you seem to have the Brains+Compassion+Wisdom combo slide (see above). You got it all!

Kalima
Admin

Oh God, when you have a second to spare, could you help our young plumber to unblock our loo and get the “Devil” out of our pipes?

Thanks a bunch, I’ll say an extra Hail Mary tonight, I promise. 🙂

Great post by the way.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Kalima:

Be VERY CAREFUL not to let “Joe the Plumber” in! He’s a crazy in plumber clothing! You’d be better off with “pipe poo in the loo” than that nut in your house. (Although that’s just my opinion, and I don’t claim to speak for God)

Kalima
Admin

😆 AB, I just asked him his name, it’s Hiroshi, we’re safe!! 😉

choicelady
Member

I love this AdLib and think you’ve got to be the best Voice of God maybe EVER. As for that credit card thing – never did think either God or Jesus had pockets. Where would they carry it? Right up there with ties.

I just wish God were more inclined to intervene. I’m getting tired trying to talk sense to people. No one listens. He must be vastly MORE tired of it though since he must be barraged by a lot more people. Of course if he DID talk, no one who needed to hear would listen to him any more than they listen to me. He’s just too sensible.

Sigh.

SueInCa
Member

Wonderful Adlib. I love your God posts.

Chernynkaya
Member

Hiya, God! Good to hear from you, how’s it hangin’? Things down here have gotten interesting. How do you feel about the conservatards re-writing your Word?

In case you were to busy with the recent earthquakes and stuff, you can read about it here:

http://conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_Project

I am curious, because I guess some folks who claim to follow your son are uncomfortable with his message, which have apparently been misunderstood for about 2000 years!

This is kinda important to me, because if they can re-write your bible, what’s next–the Constitution?

FrankenPC
Member

GOD: Technically, I never wrote anything down. I’m too busy to take notes. If you want to change your own words, go for it. But don’t claim I wrote them in the first place.

Chernynkaya
Member

Franken, that’s all that isn’t strictly kosher about this blog? 😉

KQµårk 死神
Member

😆 Great blog Adlib.

As much as I don’t believe in the concept of a supreme being I believe there is a better case for God’s existence, white beard and all, then for the existence of a reasonable Republican.

FrankenPC
Member

True that. Santa and God. OK, I’m in.

javaz
Member

Very good, AdLib!

Reading posts from God is always entertaining, I mean, inspiring!

I understand that God isn’t from any country, but does that hold true for tomorrow?

Doesn’t God celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, after all Pattie is one of God’s special people, especially after chasing all the snakes out of Ireland.

Isn’t everyone Irish tomorrow?

Don’t forget to wear the green!

Corned beef is almost as good as Canadian bacon!