I thought God might be pleased with the Texas education board putting him into their textbooks (he likes to try to stay ahead of Paris Hilton in popularity) but he instead asked me to publish this blog for Him:
Okay, I may be Old Testament School but though I’m flattered that some Texans would rather have me in their schools than gravity, I’m not comfortable going back into the classroom. I can’t fit my legs under those desks anymore and…my teen years were a bit awkward, I’d rather not be reminded of them.
This situation’s made clear that there are a few misunderstandings about me so I think now may be a good time to clear up some of them:
a. I am not American
Okay, maybe I was the first and most primal American Idol but I’m not American. That doesn’t mean I have a Nigerian birth certificate either. It’s like that old joke about Lincoln being born in a log cabin that he helped his father build, how could I have been born in a country on a planet that I created? So if I wasn’t born in America and I haven’t married an American woman (you should see my eHarmony profile, “Seeking a married virgin to get pregnant but not looking to leave her husband.”) , I don’t even have a green card.
How could I be American? I mean, I’m supposed to be everyone’s God, you know? How would Americans feel if I told them I was Canadian and liked them best? I do like back bacon but the bottom line is that I can’t hold a passport from any nation because my head shot would be way too big to fit on one.
b. I am not an advocate of capitalism.
Believe me, after I lost a bundle in the tulip crash, the stock market crash, the dot com crash, the housing crash, I’m capitalismed out. I really don’t know where folks got the idea that I favor any economic system. When you’re eternal, you don’t even have a concept of possession. What someone owns right now will eventually be someone else’s after enough time passes. Everything that’s physical today will eventually be transformed into something else. Except Twinkies…those damn things last forever.
Are folks really asking themselves, WDWJII (What Derivatives Would Jesus Invest In)? Like lots of people losing their homes and buried in credit card debt, my son was totally down on the money changers. He didn’t have a single credit card, really.
He and I pretty much see eye-to-eye on this, economic systems shouldn’t be worshiped. They should just be tools for making the lives of the most people the best they can be. If they’re not working great to do that, they should just be changed until and so they do.
The way some down there are about capitalism is like insisting on wearing the same bikini that fit 20 years and 30 pounds ago. It really doesn’t fit America like it used to, it’s come apart at the seams and needs to be mended. And adding a bit of Spandex wouldn’t hurt.
c. I don’t want to be President of the U.S.
No offense to Pres. Obama or any presidents before him but for me, that would really be a bit of a job demotion from omnipotent lord of all creation, you know? And can you imagine the way I’d be attacked if I ran? “He doesn’t stop the devil, can we trust him to stop Bin Laden?” or “He’s almost as old as John McCain, his VP is just one Atheist’s argument away from becoming president”.
Actually, I have an appreciation for the separation between church and state…really miss that, anyone know whatever happened to it?
d. The Devil is not responsible for the things and/or people you don’t like.
Many people blame The Devil or demons possessing people for things that happen or are said that they don’t like. They would be correct more often blaming bad things on high fructose corn syrup.
The truth is that Satan’s been going through a bit of depression lately, it’s a bit of the Empty Nest syndrome. Enough little evils have grown up in enough people in the world, Satan just doesn’t feel needed anymore. I don’t want to say he’s become very needy but every time I see him he asks, “Do these horns make my face look fat?”
So, just try to think of me like your parents. Humanity has grown up, moved out and is living in its own apartment. It can stay up late and party without regard for the consequences, it can be conscientious and dedicated to doing well at its work, it can care about its neighbors and help them or steal their Sunday newspapers.
Humanity can always call me to talk, I know my advice isn’t always wanted and I’m okay with that. Other times, I know how appreciated it is.
I won’t interfere in Humanity’s life and I only ask one thing of it, please no more ties on my birthday, I’ve got a whole closet of them and honestly, I never wear them.
VOX POPULI IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! CLICK HERE TO GO THERE NOW (7pm – 9pm PST):
Please feel free to join us at any time!
Love the way you humanized God, Adlib.
I tell my kids, don’t bother God with the day to day stuff, she’s got enough on her plate with those 8 years of Bush to fix.
And of course Terry Gilliam’s Monty Python depiction was the cherry on the cake! Was waiting for the lips to move while hearing Terry Jones voice.
It’s a miracle! (cue the heavenly music)
Great to see you and hope you stick around for Vox Populi!
I’ve missed you, HITO!
How’ve you been? Good to see you.
I’ve been doing better thanks for asking.
I hope you are doing well.
No miracle sweet Javaz. I’m just roaming tonight.
Feeling a little sentimental lately for the old days…circa 2008 when PPOV/FRT/HP oldsters gave it their all.
Was glad to read Adlib’s divine interpretation. Maybe I needed that.
How’ve you been?
Better read up on what Vox Populi is so I don’t embarass myself in 20 minutes.
Vox Populi is different now, and since California is now on Arizona time, I am going to make it!
Well, as long as my dial-up allows.
We don’t do the debate thing anymore but discuss things in a free-for-all style and if AdLib runs it and then leaves, well, all hell breaks loose and the spitballs start flying and the boys tug on our pigtails!
Am doing good, thank you for asking, and how are you?
And those of us here are still giving it our all!
Although, I do seem to be a troublemaker at times but they still keep me!!!
You made me laugh. I needed that. Thanks.
Went over to FRT and HP today. I keep thinking “What’s happened to us?”. We were so smart and powerful back then and we were united for the cause. I miss those days.
Anyway, free style AND pigtail pulling?
Oh boy, I’m in.
I’ll follow your lead after I go get a glass of pinot.
Thanks again Javaz.
We’re united again for the HCR vote this Sunday!!!
Hey, if you’re having wine, well then, I am opening a beer!
Hee-hee – if Ad Lib leaves, am putting a tack on his chair!
It’s nice to have a group of people united FOR something. It seems like it’s been a long time since that happened.
LMAO…like I tell Seek: “ETS”…”enjoythe silly” and your tack prank goes right there.
(What no sign on his back saying “Hit Me”?)
Too many people decided to let the thoughts of others become their thoughts. That’s what I think happened.
Thanks Hito! My 6 year old daughter is already a Python fan. I think her favorite is silly walks.
As for God, I have it on good authority that God has the complete Python DVD collection and especially loves, “The Meaning of Life”.
The “Twit” olympics still get me giggling, Adlib.
Jumping over the matchboxes laid out on the lawn…too funny.
I cut a day in high school to go see “The Holy Grail” at the only theatre in Manhattan that was showing it. Catholic girls in uniforms prowling the Waldorf Astoria area based on a rumor “they” were staying there. We all had the hots for Michael Palin. Good memories.
Don’t forget the Silly Party vs. The Very Silly Party elections. The Parrot Sketch, How to kill a man armed with fruit, Dennis Moore, I could go on and on!
Very Monty Pythonesque.
Rut-roh, AdLib – does God have any comments regarding the Vatican blaming Satan and calling in their # 1 exorcist to address all the abuse scandals happening in Europe?
At the very least, maybe Satan will get a long-needed laugh at the exorcist working his magic over the pedophiles and other abusers.
And isn’t it just the cutest little thing that the # 1 Satan-eradicator blames women for all the naughtiness?
Posted by a friend on facebook today:
As you know, I can’t watch the video yet, but hopefully soon.
Anyway, this reminds me of an old joke.
So, there was a bishop that was aware of problems within the priesthood, especially the new recruits.
There were murmurs of scandals whereby the new priests in training weren’t celibate.
So, the bishop had all the priests line up naked with a bell tied to their naughty bits, and then had a naked woman walk along the line, and if a bell rang, that guy was out.
And sure enough, the beautiful shapely woman with double-D’s walked passed all the naked priests-to-be, and a bell rang.
The bishop ordered him out of the room, and as that naked guy walked past, every single bell rang.
There’s no video to this one, javaz — it’s just a photo. I think your story makes a perfect caption!
That’s absolutely hilarious !
I had heard it a while ago, but had forgotten the ‘smaller’ details 😆
As God mentioned in his post, Satan has an alibi. Like Tony Soprano, he’s seeing a shrink for his depression and was in a session when all these sins occurred (it was one marathon of a session).
So, he couldn’t have possessed anyone. He could have tweeted but that’s about it.
Well, they can always try to blame Obama, everyone else does.
So God, asking for a pox on both their houses for these Christianistas is out?
Oh, and send Satan my regards, thinking of him, a lot of people are going through tough times now. Many have been made redundant like he during this recession, tell him to keep his horns up, something will come up for him. Taking up a hobby or volunteer work is great therapy, will keep his mind off his troubles. Tell him, this too shall pass…..
Can you imagine, due to the rampant evil in the greedy and powerful, Satan may have to be retrained to be a dental technician.
His evil will come in very handy as a job qualification.
Thanks God, it’s been awhile! 🙂
Over last weekend, I was thinking to myself (a real chore for me to begin with), seriously though, I was thinking to myself it was about time to hear from God. Surprise! And although he was out of town, of course in my case he always is, he read my mind. I’m so glad he caught me thinking to myself because he expresses all my jumbled thoughts much more eloquently than I.
No wonder I had a headache all weekend. 😆
You’re so kind, Boomer!
God always listens to you even when He’s out of town. He just isn’t great about sending postcards.
I’ve been know on occasion to rock out to the Devil’s music and I think Satan might have something to say one of these days.
After he get’s out of his depression, that is. Seriously, he’s bummed out getting misunderstood and blamed for evil of inferior quality.
He was never same after getting taken down by Tenacious D.
Hey, if you can’t hold onto the Pick of Destiny, you’ve only got yourself to blame.
So, God, do you mean some of the OTHER things they put in the textbooks aren’t true, either? Our first president, Ronald Reagan, DIDN’T chop down the cherry tree because a bunch of commies were hiding up there?
I just don’t know who to believe any more!
It is very confusing. My school used textbooks created for Texas while George Bush was Governor.
I still embarrass myself whenever I discuss history with anyone.
I went most of my life thinking that Dredd Scott was about a guy named Scott people didn’t like who crashed parties and Teapot Dome was a space-based missile defense system that protect Tea Party protests.
hee hee, EVERYBODY knows that Dredd Scott directed “Alien”!
Though I thought Dredd Scott was the exclamation Perry White at The Daily Planet would often say.
“Superman’s in trouble! Dredd Scott!”
That’s right! I always get those confused. “Alien” was directed by The Ridler, Batman’s nemesis.
I remember him exclaiming, “Great Cheney’s Ghost!”
Heh!!! “Up, Up and Shoot Away!”
I love this. It’s like an injection of reality in a sea of insanity.
I would also include the following:
“One more thing, white Southerners scare me. Please stop pretending that you are my people. I would rather be worshiped by Kim Jong Il”
Thanks for weighing in on my home state’s crazies. I mean, aren’t textbooks boring enough, without putting all their Republicrap in it? It was enough for me to ALMOST take Your name in vain. Instead, I used Your old pal, DICK Cheney. I mean, he shot his friend IN THE FACE here in what we call “God’s Country”, and THEN got his friend to apologize for it! Whack, right? But being as You put me here, Lord, (and I do sing “Why Me, Lord?” to You – can’t You have given me a better voice???)- why can’t You put brains into some of these folks’ heads? It’s not all about the hair………..or is it?
Ever Your humble servant (with hair that is much too fine),
It’s not all about the hair …or is it ? LOL –
& your hair’s fine ….(oops, sorry), great 😀
Thanks, LL. And yours is lovely as well. Even though you seem to have the Brains+Compassion+Wisdom combo slide (see above). You got it all!
I remember God recounting how Satan wore a Dick Cheney mask on Halloween to really scare people.
God has also explained that there are two chutes to slide down from heaven to be born, one says, “Brains + Compassion + Wisdom”, the other says, “Thick Hair”.
Well, we all have to live with our choices.
So that explains the phenomena we know as Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, Sen. Joke Corndog and Gov. Rick Goodhair Perry! But what up, Dude, with that Porky Pig lookalike, Karl “Hair the Color of Flesh” Rove?
Oh God, when you have a second to spare, could you help our young plumber to unblock our loo and get the “Devil” out of our pipes?
Thanks a bunch, I’ll say an extra Hail Mary tonight, I promise. 🙂
Great post by the way.
Be VERY CAREFUL not to let “Joe the Plumber” in! He’s a crazy in plumber clothing! You’d be better off with “pipe poo in the loo” than that nut in your house. (Although that’s just my opinion, and I don’t claim to speak for God)
😆 AB, I just asked him his name, it’s Hiroshi, we’re safe!! 😉
God asked me to pass along that your drain is indeed being blocked by an evil that revels in such things. In that respect, he suggested that you contact the Republican Party.
😆 I’d rather not, they are so full of the brown stuff themselves and we have enough problems. Tell him that I appreciate his concern though. I thought he had been on an extended vacation since last year, he won’t pick up his phone and I’ve left dozens of messages.
Actually, I asked God if evolution was the connection between backed up sewage pipes and Republicans and he winked.
He asked me to pass along that he has been hearing you and has responded but in mysterious ways.
Have you checked your alphabet soup?
😆 How the hell do YOU know about my alphabet soup? :oops:silly me.
I’ve just named the blockage “Shit-for-brains Stupak” he’s a Dem but sounds and smells like a Repub.
I love this AdLib and think you’ve got to be the best Voice of God maybe EVER. As for that credit card thing – never did think either God or Jesus had pockets. Where would they carry it? Right up there with ties.
I just wish God were more inclined to intervene. I’m getting tired trying to talk sense to people. No one listens. He must be vastly MORE tired of it though since he must be barraged by a lot more people. Of course if he DID talk, no one who needed to hear would listen to him any more than they listen to me. He’s just too sensible.
Thanks so much, Choicelady!
From what I understand, Jesus was offered a Master Card but was too humble to take it.
God did say in an email that the whole purpose of humanity’s gift of free will is that people get to decide the course of events for themselves.
He does seem a bit embarrassed about always being praised by lottery winners, survivors of disasters and winning Superbowl quarterbacks for their good fortune. He swears he never intervenes in the course of human events.
Except that Oscar for Marisa Tomei but that’s a long story.
Marisa Tomei’s Oscar – LOL !
I think I knew that about Marisa, but the rest, yup. Free will. Possibly a big mistake in one so infallible, but hey. Worth a shot.
I am pretty sure Alpha is right about the hair, too. If God made everything, why fine, fly-away hair? My beef is that my brother got the great hair. On the other hand, he’s going bald, so I no longer care.
I do believe Jesus would have turned down a Master Card. He made it pretty clear that capitalism was not even a twinkle in his eye or God’s either.
How did we lose the good stuff God made up? You know those Old Testamentarians (I never call them Christians when Jesus is just a ‘get out of jail free’ card for them) don’t have a clue that God and his early people actually had pretty cool economic laws that worked for justice.
Now if the Texans want to be Biblical, why not head to Deuteronomy and follow all that? Or the non-icky parts of Leviticus? It teaches even the highest born to be just, to forgive debts, to leave good food after the harvest for those in need, to treat the land with reverence, to share with all, to pay the working person fairly. All that is the guideline for a good and just life, but I don’t see the Texas bunch incorporating THAT into their Bible thumping, do you?
I bet God is mad about that omission. It was a whole book, for crying out loud! There are over 3000 verses about caring for the poor and fairness in our society. But this obsession with OTHER people’s sexuality – four lousy verses about not exploiting people for self gratification, and wham, bang you have an entire political philosophy of scapegoating. Entirely backwards, IMHO.
Poor God. Those who use him to get ahead, to prove their superiority, to make themselves look good – these are precisely the people God did NOT want to use his name at all. Every one of their prayers is taking God’s name in vain.
And if Jesus ever came back, they’d revile him, deny him, and kill him just as before, because they are the modern Pharisees who preach the law (though not abiding by it) and ignoring the spirit. Rules not reason, legalisms not love, judgment not grace. They would never accept him at all. Just look at all the prophets who tried to move us toward a world of universal love and inclusion who’ve been mowed down by “good Christians”.
No – that free will thing was definitely a borderline call. I hope we don’t fall entirely over the side. But it’s not looking good, is it? Maybe God will or has started over again somewhere else. I wish them a much better time of it. We’ve sure messed it up.
Jesus was already priceless and didn’t need any help. 🙂
Wonderful Adlib. I love your God posts.
Thanks so much Sue! I’ll tell Him…wait, he’s omnipotent, he already knows! Hey, he just texted me to say “Thanks!” to you too! See?
Adlib – Well text him back and let him know I am all for the God he portrays in his blogs
Hiya, God! Good to hear from you, how’s it hangin’? Things down here have gotten interesting. How do you feel about the conservatards re-writing your Word?
In case you were to busy with the recent earthquakes and stuff, you can read about it here:
I am curious, because I guess some folks who claim to follow your son are uncomfortable with his message, which have apparently been misunderstood for about 2000 years!
This is kinda important to me, because if they can re-write your bible, what’s next–the Constitution?
GOD: Technically, I never wrote anything down. I’m too busy to take notes. If you want to change your own words, go for it. But don’t claim I wrote them in the first place.
Franken, that’s all that isn’t strictly kosher about this blog? 😉
In January, God tweeted me that Jesus was uninvited to CPAC. They gave him the excuse that they used up their budget on Sarah Palin’s $100,000 speaking fee but he read between the lines.
Especially after reviewing the schedule and finding a seminar titled, “What Jesus Meant to Say About Those Lousy Meek” moderated by Liz Cheney.
😆 Great blog Adlib.
As much as I don’t believe in the concept of a supreme being I believe there is a better case for God’s existence, white beard and all, then for the existence of a reasonable Republican.
True that. Santa and God. OK, I’m in.
God mentioned that he keeps the Reasonable Republicans next to the Unicorns and behind the Delicious Fat Free ice cream.
& 2 stalls down from the closeted GOP (tooth) fairies 🙂
Very good, AdLib!
Reading posts from God is always entertaining, I mean, inspiring!
I understand that God isn’t from any country, but does that hold true for tomorrow?
Doesn’t God celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, after all Pattie is one of God’s special people, especially after chasing all the snakes out of Ireland.
Isn’t everyone Irish tomorrow?
Don’t forget to wear the green!
Corned beef is almost as good as Canadian bacon!
Though God has said he’s not any particular nationality, he has mentioned in the past his one regret about creating beer was not making it green.
So, one day a year…