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AdLib On December - 21 - 2009

Being that I’m God, I hear everyone’s prayers…even some I’d rather not (Sarah, you know who I’m talking about). Last night I heard this one prayer and I just had to blog about it.

Now, in order to keep Deity-Worshipper confidentiality I can’t divulge the name of the person who prayed. We’ll call him Mr. OK. Ok?

So, there I am, considering whose prayers I’m going to answer in the football games this weekend when I hear this prayer from Mr. OK for me to lend a hand in making a Democratic Senator ill or die so he can’t vote to give health care to any of my other children.

That was so wack! I told my son, he just rolled his eyes, shook his head and went back to planning his birthday party for Friday. He did say, “Funny how the ones who want me to come back the soonest are going to be the ones least happy to see me.”

I mean, check me on this but do people really think I’m like some evil genie or something? I mean, come on! “God, strike down my enemies!” If I had an eternity for every time someone prayed that to me, I’d have an infinite number of eternities, you know what I mean? And that can mess with your head.

What gets me is that I sent my son down there a while back to smarten up folks about the true values of humanity, you know, love each other, share with those in need, do unto others as you would have them do unto you…and the schmucks whack him! That was so messed up! And people like Mr. OK, they’re no different. I’ll bet if my son popped down there and said,  “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” they’d tell him to shut his pie hole and have Rush Limbaugh declare him” a socialist who should be nailed for his beliefs”.  As my son says, “Been there, done that.”

Now here we are in the 38th century…wait, my watch is fast…the 21st Century, right? And people like this Mr. OK have so perverted the teachings my son came down there to share that they think they’re being Christian by putting a spiritual hit out on a 92 year old man trying to give health care to the needy. WTF? Mr. OK and his crowd think I’m sitting around with my son up here saying, “If only the dicks would inherit the Earth?”

Sorry to go on about this, just had to get it off my chest. Even though I should chill because I’m all powerful and all, I still get Old TestyMenty sometimes.

You just think, “After all this time and all the suffering, why can’t they just figure out that selfishness, greed, hatred, materialism and oppression is a worse operating system than Windows Vista was?”

I mean, you give your kids reason, enlightenment, love, imagination, conscience, science, art and a whole planet full of food and life…and some of them just want to sit in front of the TV playing “Grand Theft Auto” all day and blow up innocent people. And they’re the type who grow up thinking that worshiping God is all about what your deity can do for you instead of what you can do for your deity.

Well, that’s my rant, sorry if I was rambling a bit but being omnipotent is a lot more stressful than you’d think. I mean, imagine if you had to know Ann Coulter’s fantasies? I still can’t take enough showers to feel clean.

Happy holidays to all of you, thanks to those of you helping out the needy this time of year and showing your love to your friends and families and the rest of the world. Keep fighting the good fight down there to help each other and make the world a better place.

And don’t worry about the nutjobs down there praying to me and my son for crazy stuff, their prayers go right  to our spam folder. Heh!

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

96 Responses so far.

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  1. abby4ever says:

    AdLib: As a Christian, from the age of seven, I want to say that your article ‘God’s Blog’ is, though iffy in parts, hilarious.

  2. AuntieChrist says:

    My fondest Brother,

    that was ever so hilarious, a veritable MASTERPIECE — I laughed so hard that it was contagious. Oral Roberts, in his agony alongside Jerry Falwell, both laughed sulfur out of their nostrils due to the contagion of laughter which you’ve unleashed down here.

    Damn you.

    You and I had agreed that I’d do you a favor by making eternal life miserable for the hapless souls you send my way; but then you went and spoiled it all by recklessly writing of your own feelings for the very types I’ve been tormenting forever! It wouldn’t have been bad if you were like Jules in Pulp Fiction, but no… you made everyone laugh.

    You’ve always been so emotional… always with the big books the best sellers. You have such loyal followers and fans… yet it’s never enough… It’s like you want to be Oprah or Sarah Palin.

    After so many ages, I’ve finally come to believe Zeus: you did steal his thunder.

    Now the damage you’ve done is going to take millennia to undo… The same day you posted this, Constantine (yes, Caesar Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus) was ready to apologize for the shear madness he had unleashed, but then some demon went rogue and printed your post out on flame retardant paper. Now everyone’s filled with hope and singing ‘Kumbuya’ because they believe that such a jocular God of wit will surely spare them.

    Honestly. Even those truly wretched outcasts who’ve been strapped in those chairs seen from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ all in order that they watch nothing but FOX since they’ve been here, even THEY laugh! Though, in truth, they’ve done that ever since they adopted the motto “Fair and Balanced”

    So, regardless of which methods of cruelty we use (some which we learned from Dick Cheney) it’s now all for naught.

    The work of ages… *poof* gone… just like that!
    What were once agonized souls now constantly sing “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life!”

    Jesus!

    I need a drink.

    Oh, speaking of my dear nephew -- I was going to send him some money for his birthday, but I lost everything I had due to a huge ponzi scheme which hasn’t even made the news up on the mortal plane yet.

    That also reminds me: the next time any supernatural being has any interaction with a burning Bush? It’s MY turn!

    Hope Jesus enjoys the dradle.

    Auntie Christ

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks so much, my friend! Hope you’re feeling well!

      God read your comment and said he was laughing harder than when he designed men’s genitals.

      He asked me to forward the following to you:

      My dear AuntieChrist, nice to see you. Especially enjoying your holding End Times above the heads of the extremists until they jump at it then pulling it away, very amusing!

      Aw, don’t blame me for everyone who says they’re doing something terrible because I told them to do it. Satan does a good impression of me. He also does a great Dick Cheney. And vice versa.

      My son appreciated the dradle, though next time you might try to find one with 4 sides and the proper writing on it instead of a 6 on each of the three sides. Merry AntiChristmas!

    • whatsthatsound says:

      This should become a regular feature, here! You guys are brilliant!

  3. BigDogMom says:

    Thus sayeth the Lord! Amen……LOL!

  4. Scheherazade says:

    LOL! I love it! God has spoken! 😀

  5. 4cats4 says:

    Excellent! It’s about time we heard from the deity. I re-posted on Facebook, hope you don’t mind.

  6. javaz says:

    Good morning!
    Thanks for the laugh!

  7. whatsthatsound says:

    Welcome to the planet, Big Guy! Look, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking through Your past, trying to find any little thing to smear you with. But I think I speak for all of us when I opine that turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at her hometown as it burned was a bit excessive.

    Please tell me it’s a mistranslation. That in reality you turned her pillow into salt, or something like that.

  8. boomer1949 says:

    Dear God,

    What a way to start my day! Have you considered stand up? 2nd City in Chicago just celebrated its 50th Anniversary; I’m sure they are open to new talent.

    On the other hand, I bet Al Franken could put you in touch with the right people. Heck, maybe he even has the name of a good agent.

    As for Coburn? What goes around comes around, and he will get his in the end!

  9. Kalima says:

    God, two new legs, two new arms and hands, a right hip and please stop this world from spinning the minute I wake up. Ta ever so.

  10. escribacat says:

    I was wondering when God was going to come over from the Huffington Post. Did he get banned?

  11. choicelady says:

    Oh, AdLib -- you KNOW I love this! You have better theology in this post than the RW does in all their sermons and rants. I just LOVE this -- and I cherish the spam folder for prayers!!

    Hooo -- haven’t laughed that hard in quite some time. Thank you so much!!!!

  12. FlyingLotus says:

    I’ll sleep well tonight knowing God is a socialist fashionista.

    Buona sera.

  13. SueInCa says:

    OMG, whoops, I mean OMAL, this is just too perfect. Perhaps we should frame it and send it to Coburn, signed all your fans (not) at the Planet. He will probably think that Superman and Lois Lane have come back to light and Superman actually brought this note from God. What a perfecto way to answer that evil man’s prayer. I hope Senator Byrd lives another 20 years. Coburn is a bastard, sorry God, but he is.

    • AdLib says:

      I think this article dovetails in nicely with your last two.

      I think he would be afraid of Superman, truth, justice, the American Way and all that.

      He would probably do what he and the C Streeters always do, just tell God to get lost.

  14. nellie says:

    AdLib, I think only you could make me laugh at Tom Coburn. He’d better check himself. Because God may be merciful, but Karma isn’t.

    • AdLib says:

      I think what he did will be burned into the minds of reasonable people for a long time.

      No offense to the good folks in OK but they are apparently outnumbered by the cow pies that keep voting in their political equivalents to public office.

      I’m not one who believes too much in karma, mainly because I’ve seen bad people keep having good things happen for him (Wall Street anyone?).

      Though bad behavior does have consequences and the performance of these Repubs in the Senate has been so awful that people voting in 2010 have seen all they need to in order to decide against voting for more of that.

      • nellie says:

        I want to see those cow pies’s birth certificates.

        As for Karma, she will have her way eventually. At least, that is my experience. 😉

        • FlyingLotus says:

          We don’t always witness the karma of others but it comes.
          In it’s own time and in it’s own way.When the lights are out people like Coburn suffer many slings and arrows.

          Such is the life of twisted sisters.

        • AdLib says:

          Do you think the cow pies are illegal immigrants too? Could be…

          Hope you’re right about Karma. She’s such a flirt and has often stood me up but I can only hope she has a big date soon with Coburn.

          • nellie says:

            I figure if cow pies can ask for our president’s birth certificate, we can ask for theirs.

            And yes, let’s hope we get a peek at Ms Karma’s date w Coburn.

    • FlyingLotus says:

      Right you are, nellie. Karma sees a keister with a target on it.


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