Being that I’m God, I hear everyone’s prayers…even some I’d rather not (Sarah, you know who I’m talking about). Last night I heard this one prayer and I just had to blog about it.
Now, in order to keep Deity-Worshipper confidentiality I can’t divulge the name of the person who prayed. We’ll call him Mr. OK. Ok?
So, there I am, considering whose prayers I’m going to answer in the football games this weekend when I hear this prayer from Mr. OK for me to lend a hand in making a Democratic Senator ill or die so he can’t vote to give health care to any of my other children.
That was so wack! I told my son, he just rolled his eyes, shook his head and went back to planning his birthday party for Friday. He did say, “Funny how the ones who want me to come back the soonest are going to be the ones least happy to see me.”
I mean, check me on this but do people really think I’m like some evil genie or something? I mean, come on! “God, strike down my enemies!” If I had an eternity for every time someone prayed that to me, I’d have an infinite number of eternities, you know what I mean? And that can mess with your head.
What gets me is that I sent my son down there a while back to smarten up folks about the true values of humanity, you know, love each other, share with those in need, do unto others as you would have them do unto you…and the schmucks whack him! That was so messed up! And people like Mr. OK, they’re no different. I’ll bet if my son popped down there and said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” they’d tell him to shut his pie hole and have Rush Limbaugh declare him” a socialist who should be nailed for his beliefs”. As my son says, “Been there, done that.”
Now here we are in the 38th century…wait, my watch is fast…the 21st Century, right? And people like this Mr. OK have so perverted the teachings my son came down there to share that they think they’re being Christian by putting a spiritual hit out on a 92 year old man trying to give health care to the needy. WTF? Mr. OK and his crowd think I’m sitting around with my son up here saying, “If only the dicks would inherit the Earth?”
Sorry to go on about this, just had to get it off my chest. Even though I should chill because I’m all powerful and all, I still get Old TestyMenty sometimes.
You just think, “After all this time and all the suffering, why can’t they just figure out that selfishness, greed, hatred, materialism and oppression is a worse operating system than Windows Vista was?”
I mean, you give your kids reason, enlightenment, love, imagination, conscience, science, art and a whole planet full of food and life…and some of them just want to sit in front of the TV playing “Grand Theft Auto” all day and blow up innocent people. And they’re the type who grow up thinking that worshiping God is all about what your deity can do for you instead of what you can do for your deity.
Well, that’s my rant, sorry if I was rambling a bit but being omnipotent is a lot more stressful than you’d think. I mean, imagine if you had to know Ann Coulter’s fantasies? I still can’t take enough showers to feel clean.
Happy holidays to all of you, thanks to those of you helping out the needy this time of year and showing your love to your friends and families and the rest of the world. Keep fighting the good fight down there to help each other and make the world a better place.
And don’t worry about the nutjobs down there praying to me and my son for crazy stuff, their prayers go right to our spam folder. Heh!
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Kalima
Mightywoof
AlphaBitch
Khirad
KevenSeven
AdLib
AdLib: As a Christian, from the age of seven, I want to say that your article ‘God’s Blog’ is, though iffy in parts, hilarious.
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My fondest Brother,
that was ever so hilarious, a veritable MASTERPIECE — I laughed so hard that it was contagious. Oral Roberts, in his agony alongside Jerry Falwell, both laughed sulfur out of their nostrils due to the contagion of laughter which you’ve unleashed down here.
Damn you.
You and I had agreed that I’d do you a favor by making eternal life miserable for the hapless souls you send my way; but then you went and spoiled it all by recklessly writing of your own feelings for the very types I’ve been tormenting forever! It wouldn’t have been bad if you were like Jules in Pulp Fiction, but no… you made everyone laugh.
You’ve always been so emotional… always with the big books the best sellers. You have such loyal followers and fans… yet it’s never enough… It’s like you want to be Oprah or Sarah Palin.
After so many ages, I’ve finally come to believe Zeus: you did steal his thunder.
Now the damage you’ve done is going to take millennia to undo… The same day you posted this, Constantine (yes, Caesar Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus) was ready to apologize for the shear madness he had unleashed, but then some demon went rogue and printed your post out on flame retardant paper. Now everyone’s filled with hope and singing ‘Kumbuya’ because they believe that such a jocular God of wit will surely spare them.
Honestly. Even those truly wretched outcasts who’ve been strapped in those chairs seen from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ all in order that they watch nothing but FOX since they’ve been here, even THEY laugh! Though, in truth, they’ve done that ever since they adopted the motto “Fair and Balanced”
So, regardless of which methods of cruelty we use (some which we learned from Dick Cheney) it’s now all for naught.
The work of ages… *poof* gone… just like that!
What were once agonized souls now constantly sing “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life!”
Jesus!
I need a drink.
Oh, speaking of my dear nephew – I was going to send him some money for his birthday, but I lost everything I had due to a huge ponzi scheme which hasn’t even made the news up on the mortal plane yet.
That also reminds me: the next time any supernatural being has any interaction with a burning Bush? It’s MY turn!
Hope Jesus enjoys the dradle.
Auntie Christ
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Thanks so much, my friend! Hope you’re feeling well!
God read your comment and said he was laughing harder than when he designed men’s genitals.
He asked me to forward the following to you:
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This should become a regular feature, here! You guys are brilliant!
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Thus sayeth the Lord! Amen……LOL!
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LOL! I love it! God has spoken!
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Excellent! It’s about time we heard from the deity. I re-posted on Facebook, hope you don’t mind.
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Good morning!
Thanks for the laugh!
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Welcome to the planet, Big Guy! Look, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking through Your past, trying to find any little thing to smear you with. But I think I speak for all of us when I opine that turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at her hometown as it burned was a bit excessive.
Please tell me it’s a mistranslation. That in reality you turned her pillow into salt, or something like that.
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Don’t you mean “Welcome to the planet, Wise Woman?”
Not sure she likes being called Big Gal, because you know how us girls are regarding our weight.
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She’s got more things than that to worry about (check out Her picture up above….that’s one Ug……whoops, we’re talking about God here, and I do NOT want to be turned into a pillar of salt!)
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Hey, we all suffer a bit of facial hair after menopause.
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Or in Her case, Goddessopause.
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Lay off us Goddesses!
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Hey Q! Your avatar looks like the Brazilian flag!
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Dear God,
What a way to start my day! Have you considered stand up? 2nd City in Chicago just celebrated its 50th Anniversary; I’m sure they are open to new talent.
On the other hand, I bet Al Franken could put you in touch with the right people. Heck, maybe he even has the name of a good agent.
As for Coburn? What goes around comes around, and he will get his in the end!
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God, two new legs, two new arms and hands, a right hip and please stop this world from spinning the minute I wake up. Ta ever so.
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I was wondering when God was going to come over from the Huffington Post. Did he get banned?
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Nah, He was just angry He didn’t have as many fans as HumeSkeptic.
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E’cat,
Undoubtedly!
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Looks that way, only what will we do with all the traffic?
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God only knows.
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Oh, AdLib – you KNOW I love this! You have better theology in this post than the RW does in all their sermons and rants. I just LOVE this – and I cherish the spam folder for prayers!!
Hooo – haven’t laughed that hard in quite some time. Thank you so much!!!!
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Yes, I was really looking forward to your take on it. So glad you enjoyed it!
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I’ll sleep well tonight knowing God is a socialist fashionista.
Buona sera.
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Good night and God bless.
And Gesundheit.
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OMG, whoops, I mean OMAL, this is just too perfect. Perhaps we should frame it and send it to Coburn, signed all your fans (not) at the Planet. He will probably think that Superman and Lois Lane have come back to light and Superman actually brought this note from God. What a perfecto way to answer that evil man’s prayer. I hope Senator Byrd lives another 20 years. Coburn is a bastard, sorry God, but he is.
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I think this article dovetails in nicely with your last two.
I think he would be afraid of Superman, truth, justice, the American Way and all that.
He would probably do what he and the C Streeters always do, just tell God to get lost.
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AdLib, I think only you could make me laugh at Tom Coburn. He’d better check himself. Because God may be merciful, but Karma isn’t.
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I think what he did will be burned into the minds of reasonable people for a long time.
No offense to the good folks in OK but they are apparently outnumbered by the cow pies that keep voting in their political equivalents to public office.
I’m not one who believes too much in karma, mainly because I’ve seen bad people keep having good things happen for him (Wall Street anyone?).
Though bad behavior does have consequences and the performance of these Repubs in the Senate has been so awful that people voting in 2010 have seen all they need to in order to decide against voting for more of that.
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I want to see those cow pies’s birth certificates.
As for Karma, she will have her way eventually. At least, that is my experience.
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We don’t always witness the karma of others but it comes.
In it’s own time and in it’s own way.When the lights are out people like Coburn suffer many slings and arrows.
Such is the life of twisted sisters.
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Do you think the cow pies are illegal immigrants too? Could be…
Hope you’re right about Karma. She’s such a flirt and has often stood me up but I can only hope she has a big date soon with Coburn.
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I figure if cow pies can ask for our president’s birth certificate, we can ask for theirs.
And yes, let’s hope we get a peek at Ms Karma’s date w Coburn.
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Right you are, nellie. Karma sees a keister with a target on it.
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Ooops,if Bill O’Lielly sees this post he’ll no doubt call me hate filled liberal.
So to clarify, karma will give Coburn a swift kick to his keister.
Karma knows a keister when it sees one.
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Hi Saviour!
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Hey Q!
Hope all’s well in your world.
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Karma can also read between the lines!
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Well, Almighty One, it’s getting late here in Your Country, the American Midwest. (The only place where people really know you.) So, I’m letting you know that now I’m laying me down to sleep, and praying that You my soul will keep, but if some Republican’s wish comes true before I wake, I pray You my soul to take. (And feel free to send that Republican’s to the Torrid Zone…)
In the name of You, Your Son, und Der Heilige Geist…Amen.
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God asked me to pass this along to you…BTW, I’m not one of those nuts who thinks God talks to me.
God actually Twitters me:
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ROFLMAO!!
Stop it! I’m going to break a rib and I don’t have health insurance.
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If you’re going to break a rib, can I suggest whose? Or should I just pray?
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Lettuce pray!
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Say God,
I have a question, Oh, and by the way, great to see you joining the Planet.
My question is….
If Ignorance is Bliss
Why are so many people unhappy?
I have been thinking about this and how some people seem to celebrate in anger
their lack of knowledge of things.
These people have been calling themselves teabaggers
and a lot of them say they worship you.
Let me know if you have any great ideas about this
because they don’t make any sense to me.
Thanks
Oh and
Peace on Earth
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Hope you don’t mind that I passed your questions along to God, here’s his reply:
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Gee AdLib, this is a nice new feature on the Planet,
Send back my thanks for helping with this one, the Jerry Lewis in France thing explains a few things.
Please ask God to help the Dems with ideas for the next elections
because with all this material piling up, they had better not screw it up.
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Yep, I thought inviting God to blog here might be a nice new feature.
Seemed like a nice alternative to HuffPo going to hell.
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Dear Beardy Bling Guy,
I need a twofer one deal.I have a confession, which you no doubt will forgive me for (please, do this with a large chorus of angels and trumpets blaring).
Then I will pray for something, which you will no doubt grant me, toot sweet.
Confession: I’m super jealous, I’m talking every shade of green you EVER invented, of that AdLib guy and his wordy gift.I mean, it’s REALLY not fair! He obviously stood in line more than once when you were handing that out.
My prayer:Please, smite me with the wordy gift and tell that Adlib dude, from now on he can only use his toes to type.
I don’t have any goats to sacrifice.Will a disagreeable neighbor do?
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FlyingLotus, my head is bustin’! You are sooooo kind!!!
I have forwarded your comment to God and he just responded:
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LOL!!!Cool.
One more thing, can I wear the Bling hat? My lampshade has seen better days.
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I’m sure he won’t mind, it was all made with the white of an egg.
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Hmm…Lean Cuisine Couture.
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You can imagine my surprise when I asked to borrow the Crown of Thorns and they gave me a Crown of Thors, made out of Thor comic books.
They’re such practical jokers!
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There are two fascinating heroic stories going on with Senator Byrd.
Ironically a long time ago Robert Byrd was one of the bigots that tried to hold up the civil rights movement who was adored by the religious right. Unlike most bigots he was truly repentant for his past ill thoughts and deeds. It takes a big man to admit they were that wrong and everyone knows it. Because people’s hearts do not usually change so when they do it’s very notable. I noticed during Senator Obama’s last visit to the Senate how Byrd held him as long as he could to give him any advice he could think of to help him succeed in his huge mission ahead.
Now not just for himself but spurred on by the memory of his very good friend, Ted Kennedy Byrd is holding on as long as he can to fulfill Kennedy’s dream of universal healthcare. You can question the motivations of many in Congress these days but not Senator Byrd’s in this case.
Fuck the nighties for which nothing good ever comes.
BTW I agree with pepe. Using the Terry Gilliam MPTHG image was pure genius. My wife almost hit the floor laughing.
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Thanks, my friend!
Really, wishing for the death of someone to keep 30 million people from getting health care, isn’t that more movie villain than Senator?
“I will pray for the death of your Senator Byrd…unless you give me one MILL-ion dollars!”
Or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons smiling, “Pray for his death, Smithers! Exxxx-cellent!”
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Hilarious and awe-inspiring at the same time.
So, um, God… is it true you like Cookie Puss ice cream?
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Funny, God just emailed me about that:
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Does God use Gmail?
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No, he uses A Dei T.com
Oh, and Satan uses Hotmail.
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Dear God: I know you want to use the anonymity thingy to protect the – what’s Pepe’s word? Asshat? – that sent the bad prayer your way, and I’m not arguing or anything with you (I swear) BUT…..shouldn’t that be a DR. OK instead of Mr. OK? At least in his own mind? Not that I ever claim to know anyone’s mind (least of all yours, Big Guy), and you know: he probably meant to take the Hippocratic Oath but took the Oath of the Hippocrit instead.
Tell Jesus I’m hoping to make the party. I’m thinking of bringing some ham, or maybe bacon.
Love, AB. Amen and Awomen, too.
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I see that God is logged on but his reply went to pending because he used his own name during our brief Salute To The HuffPo Word Filter. Here’s what he replied to you:
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Thanks God. I figure the pork thing is allright by Jesus. Never works well for those other two guys….you know, Mo and Mo. See you Friday!
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Actually, God mentioned to me that his son is a sucker for baby back ribs.
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The Quincy Jones recipe is the best (all kidding aside). I’ll be glad to share it (after all, it’s HIS freakin’ recipe). But not until tomorrow – I’ll check back. It’s late, I’m sleepy and it’s time for those prayers! Nighty night, G-man. Thanks for the hell-arious blog!
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