Being that I’m God, I hear everyone’s prayers…even some I’d rather not (Sarah, you know who I’m talking about). Last night I heard this one prayer and I just had to blog about it.

Now, in order to keep Deity-Worshipper confidentiality I can’t divulge the name of the person who prayed. We’ll call him Mr. OK. Ok?

So, there I am, considering whose prayers I’m going to answer in the football games this weekend when I hear this prayer from Mr. OK for me to lend a hand in making a Democratic Senator ill or die so he can’t vote to give health care to any of my other children.

That was so wack! I told my son, he just rolled his eyes, shook his head and went back to planning his birthday party for Friday. He did say, “Funny how the ones who want me to come back the soonest are going to be the ones least happy to see me.”

I mean, check me on this but do people really think I’m like some evil genie or something? I mean, come on! “God, strike down my enemies!” If I had an eternity for every time someone prayed that to me, I’d have an infinite number of eternities, you know what I mean? And that can mess with your head.

What gets me is that I sent my son down there a while back to smarten up folks about the true values of humanity, you know, love each other, share with those in need, do unto others as you would have them do unto you…and the schmucks whack him! That was so messed up! And people like Mr. OK, they’re no different. I’ll bet if my son popped down there and said,  “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” they’d tell him to shut his pie hole and have Rush Limbaugh declare him” a socialist who should be nailed for his beliefs”.  As my son says, “Been there, done that.”

Now here we are in the 38th century…wait, my watch is fast…the 21st Century, right? And people like this Mr. OK have so perverted the teachings my son came down there to share that they think they’re being Christian by putting a spiritual hit out on a 92 year old man trying to give health care to the needy. WTF? Mr. OK and his crowd think I’m sitting around with my son up here saying, “If only the dicks would inherit the Earth?”

Sorry to go on about this, just had to get it off my chest. Even though I should chill because I’m all powerful and all, I still get Old TestyMenty sometimes.

You just think, “After all this time and all the suffering, why can’t they just figure out that selfishness, greed, hatred, materialism and oppression is a worse operating system than Windows Vista was?”

I mean, you give your kids reason, enlightenment, love, imagination, conscience, science, art and a whole planet full of food and life…and some of them just want to sit in front of the TV playing “Grand Theft Auto” all day and blow up innocent people. And they’re the type who grow up thinking that worshiping God is all about what your deity can do for you instead of what you can do for your deity.

Well, that’s my rant, sorry if I was rambling a bit but being omnipotent is a lot more stressful than you’d think. I mean, imagine if you had to know Ann Coulter’s fantasies? I still can’t take enough showers to feel clean.

Happy holidays to all of you, thanks to those of you helping out the needy this time of year and showing your love to your friends and families and the rest of the world. Keep fighting the good fight down there to help each other and make the world a better place.

And don’t worry about the nutjobs down there praying to me and my son for crazy stuff, their prayers go right  to our spam folder. Heh!

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abby4ever
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AdLib: As a Christian, from the age of seven, I want to say that your article ‘God’s Blog’ is, though iffy in parts, hilarious.

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AuntieChrist
Member

My fondest Brother,

that was ever so hilarious, a veritable MASTERPIECE — I laughed so hard that it was contagious. Oral Roberts, in his agony alongside Jerry Falwell, both laughed sulfur out of their nostrils due to the contagion of laughter which you’ve unleashed down here.

Damn you.

You and I had agreed that I’d do you a favor by making eternal life miserable for the hapless souls you send my way; but then you went and spoiled it all by recklessly writing of your own feelings for the very types I’ve been tormenting forever! It wouldn’t have been bad if you were like Jules in Pulp Fiction, but no… you made everyone laugh.

You’ve always been so emotional… always with the big books the best sellers. You have such loyal followers and fans… yet it’s never enough… It’s like you want to be Oprah or Sarah Palin.

After so many ages, I’ve finally come to believe Zeus: you did steal his thunder.

Now the damage you’ve done is going to take millennia to undo… The same day you posted this, Constantine (yes, Caesar Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus) was ready to apologize for the shear madness he had unleashed, but then some demon went rogue and printed your post out on flame retardant paper. Now everyone’s filled with hope and singing ‘Kumbuya’ because they believe that such a jocular God of wit will surely spare them.

Honestly. Even those truly wretched outcasts who’ve been strapped in those chairs seen from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ all in order that they watch nothing but FOX since they’ve been here, even THEY laugh! Though, in truth, they’ve done that ever since they adopted the motto “Fair and Balanced”

So, regardless of which methods of cruelty we use (some which we learned from Dick Cheney) it’s now all for naught.

The work of ages… *poof* gone… just like that!
What were once agonized souls now constantly sing “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life!”

Jesus!

I need a drink.

Oh, speaking of my dear nephew – I was going to send him some money for his birthday, but I lost everything I had due to a huge ponzi scheme which hasn’t even made the news up on the mortal plane yet.

That also reminds me: the next time any supernatural being has any interaction with a burning Bush? It’s MY turn!

Hope Jesus enjoys the dradle.

Auntie Christ

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whatsthatsound
Member

This should become a regular feature, here! You guys are brilliant!

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BigDogMom
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BigDogMom

Thus sayeth the Lord! Amen……LOL!

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Scheherazade
Member

LOL! I love it! God has spoken! 😀

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4cats4
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4cats4

Excellent! It’s about time we heard from the deity. I re-posted on Facebook, hope you don’t mind.

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javaz
Member

Good morning!
Thanks for the laugh!

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whatsthatsound
Member

Welcome to the planet, Big Guy! Look, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking through Your past, trying to find any little thing to smear you with. But I think I speak for all of us when I opine that turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at her hometown as it burned was a bit excessive.

Please tell me it’s a mistranslation. That in reality you turned her pillow into salt, or something like that.

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javaz
Member

Don’t you mean “Welcome to the planet, Wise Woman?”
Not sure she likes being called Big Gal, because you know how us girls are regarding our weight.

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whatsthatsound
Member

She’s got more things than that to worry about (check out Her picture up above….that’s one Ug……whoops, we’re talking about God here, and I do NOT want to be turned into a pillar of salt!)

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javaz
Member

Hey, we all suffer a bit of facial hair after menopause.

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whatsthatsound
Member

Or in Her case, Goddessopause.

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Questinia
Member

Lay off us Goddesses!

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whatsthatsound
Member

Hey Q! Your avatar looks like the Brazilian flag!

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boomer1949
Member

Dear God,

What a way to start my day! Have you considered stand up? 2nd City in Chicago just celebrated its 50th Anniversary; I’m sure they are open to new talent.

On the other hand, I bet Al Franken could put you in touch with the right people. Heck, maybe he even has the name of a good agent.

As for Coburn? What goes around comes around, and he will get his in the end!

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Kalima
Admin

God, two new legs, two new arms and hands, a right hip and please stop this world from spinning the minute I wake up. Ta ever so.

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escribacat
Member

I was wondering when God was going to come over from the Huffington Post. Did he get banned?

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whatsthatsound
Member

Nah, He was just angry He didn’t have as many fans as HumeSkeptic.

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boomer1949
Member

E’cat,

Undoubtedly!

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PatsyT
Member

Looks that way, only what will we do with all the traffic?

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choicelady
Member

Oh, AdLib – you KNOW I love this! You have better theology in this post than the RW does in all their sermons and rants. I just LOVE this – and I cherish the spam folder for prayers!!

Hooo – haven’t laughed that hard in quite some time. Thank you so much!!!!

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FlyingLotus
Member

I’ll sleep well tonight knowing God is a socialist fashionista.

Buona sera.

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SueInCa
Member

OMG, whoops, I mean OMAL, this is just too perfect. Perhaps we should frame it and send it to Coburn, signed all your fans (not) at the Planet. He will probably think that Superman and Lois Lane have come back to light and Superman actually brought this note from God. What a perfecto way to answer that evil man’s prayer. I hope Senator Byrd lives another 20 years. Coburn is a bastard, sorry God, but he is.

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nellie
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AdLib, I think only you could make me laugh at Tom Coburn. He’d better check himself. Because God may be merciful, but Karma isn’t.

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FlyingLotus
Member

Right you are, nellie. Karma sees a keister with a target on it.

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FlyingLotus
Member

Ooops,if Bill O’Lielly sees this post he’ll no doubt call me hate filled liberal.

So to clarify, karma will give Coburn a swift kick to his keister.

Karma knows a keister when it sees one.

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Questinia
Member

Hi Saviour!

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FlyingLotus
Member

Hey Q!

Hope all’s well in your world.

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nellie
Member

Karma can also read between the lines!

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kesmarn
Admin

Well, Almighty One, it’s getting late here in Your Country, the American Midwest. (The only place where people really know you.) So, I’m letting you know that now I’m laying me down to sleep, and praying that You my soul will keep, but if some Republican’s wish comes true before I wake, I pray You my soul to take. (And feel free to send that Republican’s to the Torrid Zone…)

In the name of You, Your Son, und Der Heilige Geist…Amen.

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