Ratcheting up his efforts to rally his base, Donald Trump signed an executive order today requiring hospitals to stop using ICU beds for COVID-19 patients so they could be used instead to store Confederate statues and keep them from harm.
Trump made the following statement to reporters after signing the order, “My job is to protect those who can’t speak up for themselves and statues can’t do that…except in this Doctor Who episode that Jared told me about,” Trump explained while using two hands and a foot to help him sip of water from a small glass.
“Have you seen what the Antifa radicals have been doing to these helpless symbols of white supremacy? I mean, ‘our heritage’? It’s disgusting. They’ve thrown paint on them, pulled them down, even moved one of the statues into the corner of my office,” Trump complained until being told he was pointing at Mike Pence.
“Confederate flags, confederate statues and monuments, they are part of our history and we can’t allow these rebels who are revolting against our government, to get away with trying to treat these statues like second class citizens,” Trump insisted as his aides nervously shook their heads at him.
Trump continued, “So, this executive order that I just signed will move all of our wonderful, wonderful confederate statues out of harm’s way, from public places where the radicals can damage them, to where they can be given the greatest care, into ICU beds in hospitals all across the country,” Trump declared before kissing a bust of Jefferson Davis on the mouth.
Asked by reporters about the danger of preventing critically ill Americans with COVID-19 from access to ICU beds by instead filling them up with statues, Trump shook his head, “It’s all about priorities. You know, I can’t believe how selfish some people are. ‘I’ve got Covid, I can’t breathe, I’m entitled to an ICU bed, me-me-me,’ all they care about is themselves when they should be thinking about me. If saving these statues helps me get re-elected, think of all the other statues dedicated to oppression I can save. And build! Hmm…I wonder who we could build a huge statue of in front of the Lincoln Monument, someone who was better for black people than even Lincoln? Hmm…” Trump smiled, mouthing, “Me!” to reporters.
Even though he was born in and lived most of his life in New York, Trump explained why he felt so strongly about the Confederacy. “They betrayed and became enemies of the United States, they were racists who saw black people as inferior, they caused the unnecessary deaths of many Americans and in the end, they were seen as the total losers of the conflict they caused…for some reason, I can’t explain, I just relate with them.”