Ratcheting up his efforts to rally his base, Donald Trump signed an executive order today requiring hospitals to stop using ICU beds for COVID-19 patients so they could be used instead to store Confederate statues and keep them from harm.
Trump made the following statement to reporters after signing the order, “My job is to protect those who can’t speak up for themselves and statues can’t do that…except in this Doctor Who episode that Jared told me about,” Trump explained while using two hands and a foot to help him sip of water from a small glass.
“Have you seen what the Antifa radicals have been doing to these helpless symbols of white supremacy? I mean, ‘our heritage’? It’s disgusting. They’ve thrown paint on them, pulled them down, even moved one of the statues into the corner of my office,” Trump complained until being told he was pointing at Mike Pence.
“Confederate flags, confederate statues and monuments, they are part of our history and we can’t allow these rebels who are revolting against our government, to get away with trying to treat these statues like second class citizens,” Trump insisted as his aides nervously shook their heads at him.
Trump continued, “So, this executive order that I just signed will move all of our wonderful, wonderful confederate statues out of harm’s way, from public places where the radicals can damage them, to where they can be given the greatest care, into ICU beds in hospitals all across the country,” Trump declared before kissing a bust of Jefferson Davis on the mouth.
Asked by reporters about the danger of preventing critically ill Americans with COVID-19 from access to ICU beds by instead filling them up with statues, Trump shook his head, “It’s all about priorities. You know, I can’t believe how selfish some people are. ‘I’ve got Covid, I can’t breathe, I’m entitled to an ICU bed, me-me-me,’ all they care about is themselves when they should be thinking about me. If saving these statues helps me get re-elected, think of all the other statues dedicated to oppression I can save. And build! Hmm…I wonder who we could build a huge statue of in front of the Lincoln Monument, someone who was better for black people than even Lincoln? Hmm…” Trump smiled, mouthing, “Me!” to reporters.
Even though he was born in and lived most of his life in New York, Trump explained why he felt so strongly about the Confederacy. “They betrayed and became enemies of the United States, they were racists who saw black people as inferior, they caused the unnecessary deaths of many Americans and in the end, they were seen as the total losers of the conflict they caused…for some reason, I can’t explain, I just relate with them.”
Now he wants to build a national park for his confederate heroes.
New Rule: Everything said about anything trump says or does must be prefaced with the statement, “Trump is an idiot”.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/historians-question-trumps-choice-of-heroes-for-national-garden-monument/2020/07/04/4a33932a-be33-11ea-80b9-40ece9a701dc_story.html
Maybe we could take Kesmarn’s suggestion and pour molten lead over Trump after he loses so we can put him as a statue with fallen statues of Confederates in a “Garden of the Greatest Losers”?
This is the best 4th of July gift ever. SO funny — at a time when laughter is so badly needed. I had an instant mental picture of The Trumpster balancing on one pudgy leg while using the other foot and both hands to pour water into that tiny, tiny mouth. And then Pence — more motionless than any statue ever produced by human hands. Too perfect.
Knowing Trump, I would imagine his ADD mind would produce yet another “genius” idea with this proposal too. While the Confederate soldier statues would occupy the ICU beds (requiring surprisingly little monitoring), perhaps their horse statues could be melted down. Then lead IV’s could be given as yet another in the growing list of Trump experimental treatments. After all — molten lead must be at least as toxic to viruses as bleach! And he was all about Clorox IV’s.
With any luck, he’ll be selected as “Patient Zero” and be the first to try Molten Excess Lead Therapy. Otherwise known as “MELT.”
Brilliant, kesmarn — you’ve just provided the deliciously toxic icing to AdLib’s cake!
Many thanks, NMIAI! Hoping all is well with you!
My pleasure, Kes, so glad you enjoyed it!
I’ll bet if we designed a fountain as Trump trying to drink a glass of water with two hands and a foot, it would sell big time!
Well, Trump does seem to value statues over actual living Americans so maybe not so far fetched. And he’d probably be thrilled to inject people with molten lead, hoping that at the least, they too would then have difficulty walking down ramps, being stiff-legged like him.
I do like the idea of Trump being subjected to everything he calls for to be done to everyone else. Can we get him to sit in classrooms full time too? Inject bleach? Stick an ultraviolet lamp inside himself? He should be the guinea pig for all of his insane suggestions and orders.
One of the unintended consequences of the Trump regime is that he has destroyed parody. Anything you make up about him is not as outlandish as what he is capable of or has actually done. I had to get through the second paragraph before I could see that this wasn’t an actual report. (But it’s PlanetPOV, I should know better, right?) This is the most depressing July 4th I can remember — unemployed, stuck at home, car doesn’t work so I can’t visit anyone. And that despot Trump is going around holding rallies and making everyone sicker. Oh well, I still have my DVD collection. JJ out.
jj, I’m so sorry to read that you have more going on than most people during this pandemic! Sending good wishes that you’re employed again in the very near future, that the car is repaired (at minimal expense) and that you can get back into circulation soon!
Hey jj! It is very hard to write satire/parody when it comes to Trump for the reasons you describe. Today’s satire is tomorrow’s legit news item. But, we do our best…
Sorry last weekend was a rough one, it was a strange 4th for most, I think. Here in LA, the public fireworks shows were canceled and instead, the entire city was booming with home fireworks like I’ve never seen and heard, starting weeks ago and still going on.
Any way to get the car fixed? I’d think even mechanics could use the work for a bargain rate right now.
Next 4th will truly be a celebration of independence from this Trumpian madness, we’ll make it.
Very well done, AdLib. But while you captured Trump’s disordered “discourse”
to a T, it all hung together much too well and was too coherent for it possibly
to have been written by him!
On another subject, I’ve been trying to post to you and Murph on Vox Populi
for about 40 minutes, have sent an e-mail to Planet POV, but I haven’t seen
any of my posts appear yet. Of course you may not see this tonight, either.
Thanks NoMan! Yes, “too coherent” is a big problem when trying to apply anything to Trump.
Yes, I saw there was an issue last week on Vox but I think it’s now fixed so hopefully, you can make it next Friday night and try it out?
So you know, there is a private messaging function on Vox and both Murph and I received brief ones from you but didn’t realize it until this week. They open extra windows that are apart from the main conversation. In any case, hope you can make it this upcoming Friday!