In a remarkable reversal, the GOP has changed course from trying to reduce the voter roles and now claims that the best way to strengthen our democracy is to protect the right of all legitimate American citizens to vote, living or dead.
“This is the civil rights struggle of our time,” asserted Florida Governor Rick Scott, “Inanimate Americans have been victims of prejudice all of their afterlives and it’s time that this open bigotry was ended once and for all. It’s our duty to them, if we don’t stand up and speak for them, who will?”
In fact, Governor Scott claims that he is the ideal spokesperson for the dead, having been declared dead and taken off the voter roles himself. “According to the state, I was dead, I may still be but now I vote, what’s the difference?”
Governor Scott confirmed that he is still in favor of Voter ID laws, purges of the voter roles in Florida and limits on voter registration. “To have fair elections, we have to make sure that only American citizens vote, primarily those who get sunburns more easily,” Governor Scott explained. “On that count, we can easily document Inanimate Americans through their government-issued death certificates which will be sufficient proof of citizenship…except if they’re from Hawaii.”
Many have asked Governor Scott and other prominent Republicans supporting this “Democracy, Dead or Alive” campaign how the dead would actually vote. “Most likely by absentee ballot,” Governor Scott stated.
Democrats have assailed this effort as a way for Republicans to combat the rising minority populations that are shrinking the percentage of Republican voters by creating a huge new source of white voters to pour into the voter pool but Republicans deny this claim.
“We simply believe that every American has an inalienable right to vote and that no one has the right to take it away from them,” expressed GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “This new demographic will be up for grabs. We do think we have a better shot than the Democrats at appealing to the pale white, mortified, brain dead, no information voter but that’s not why we’re doing this,” Rove evilly gloated, twirling a fake handlebar mustache he had just attached above his lip.
If this campaign to revive voting rights for the dead was to succeed, politicians would be challenged on how they would get their message out to this new group of voters. “They don’t watch tv, they don’t read and they don’t open their mail. It’s going to be tough,”said Democratic political campaign adviser James Carville. “For some reason though, I seem to have a pretty good rapport with the dead, they like my face I guess.”
Carville went on to say that he thinks the biggest problem for campaigns when courting the dead vote will be the enthusiasm factor. “How do you get dead folks excited about your candidate? What are you gonna do? You can’t shake their hands, they’ll break right off. You can’t have pancake breakfasts, they’ve got no stomachs, it’ll all just drop right through them and make a helluva mess.”
Carville suggested that a whole new breed of political consultant will appear on the scene, Political Mediums. “What you’re gonna need are psychics and mediums and such who can communicate with the dead and broadcast everything to them including commercials, slogans and robo calls. Then they’ll vote through the medium I suppose.”
Coincidentally, Koch Industries has just opened a new subsidiary business called, “Mediums R Us” which they claim has no connection to this dead voter drive which they are financing and is just intended to make it more affordable for people to talk with the dead without using up all of their Rollover minutes.
Koch Industries spokesman, Benedict Arnoldson, says they’re simply serving the needs of a neglected segment of the marketplace, “The living have had a monopoly on attention at election time but from now on and thanks to our efforts, when the word ‘democracy’ comes to mind, so will the word ‘dead’.”