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AdLib On August - 25 - 2011

As the Republican Presidential Primary heats up, so do God’s ears. It seems that many folks who want to be President in the GOP believe and announce that they have been chosen, urged or noogied by God to do so.

Also, such religiously-related issues as creationism, praying the gay away and solving America’s problems through prayer have come to the forefront through these candidates.

This has put God back in the political spotlight and being that He typically likes to keep a low profile (you can’t find any pictures of Him coming out of clubs on TMZ.com), He has responded to this by writing and passing along to us the following blog:

Let me begin by saying that I never tell anyone to run for political office, I never favor one sports team over another and if you win the lottery, I appreciate the thanks but it just makes 41 million other people tell me to “damn it”.

From where I sit (and when I sit around creation, I sit around creation), it’s a pretty good deal. When good things happen, I get a lot of props. When things don’t work out, it’s just because I’m working in mysterious ways. If this was baseball, I’d have a 1000 batting average whether I hit or struck out (though I never strike out…except in vengeance! Heh, just kidding!).

The truth is that I am not political, at least in the sense that I don’t support any parties or candidates (though I did fight a zoning law once to be able to create the Earth in a non-residential area). Politics are your universe to control,  it wouldn’t be a democracy if God was invisibly controlling it (or corporations for that matter).

What I find fascinating is that the people who often claim that I am the one they’re listening to when they choose to run for office…usually support issues that show they haven’t listened before to what I or my son have to say. You know, how hard it is for a rich man to get into heaven, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, turn the other cheek, blessed are the meek,  I could go on and on…but all they would hear is “You’re so attractive, if I was corporeal I would so hit that! And you’d make such an awesome President, the greatest ever! You simply HAVE to run! You have to!”.

So, just for the fun of it, allow me to indulge in a little game of logic:

a. If God told someone to run for office
b. And he/she only supports the wealthy instead of what’s best for most people
c. Then God does not support what’s best for most people.

Which leads me to this next one:

a. God is all good.
b. An entity that opposes what’s best for most people is not all good.
c. Whoever opposes what’s best for most people is not God.

Hmm…then if it’s not me who’s telling these people to run…who is it?

Now, I’m also aware that there are those who actually think, despite my and my son’s repeated explanations that money is the root of all evil and money changers create a den of thieves (not to mention derivatives), that wealth is a divine right of those chosen by me and all that they do in the pursuit of it is endorsed by Major League Deity.

The wealthy may be investing in manufacturing needles with camel-sized eyes but their trying to portray me as a proponent of greed is absurd. First of all, I have no pockets and I can’t get a bank account because I don’t have two forms of ID so what would I do with money?

Also, and please keep this just between us, but except for Earth, the rest of the universe is socialist. You need some matter or energy, you’re welcome to just go ahead and take it, free of charge. That would drive Wall Street crazy, can you imagine if we switched places and they were God? The universe would have stopped expanding a long time ago, a minority of the universe would have most of the gravity while 99% of the universe would have a fraction of its matter, helplessly trapped in a death spiral around that minority until it finally collapsed in on them and destroyed the whole system.

And then who’s everyone going to look to for a bail out, am I right?

Lastly, I’d like to set the record straight on one other thing. I don’t get mad at people for using the free will they were given so I don’t cause hurricanes or earthquakes to express my displeasure at state ballot propositions or people having sex. I mean, why don’t people see good things as a sign from me, how come it’s always awful things?

“Look, lots of people died in a natural disaster, that’s a sign from God!” It’s never, “Hey, it’s a beautiful day, that’s a sign from God!”. Hey, I’d settle for ice cream tasting good as a sign from me, dogs and cats being so cuddly, even McRibs coming back (…then again…).

Truth is, I would have to be pretty egotistical and selfish just to use all the people on Earth to play Rockem Sockem Robots with myself. What’s the point of people having free will if it’s merely for choosing not to use it?

There is an overall pattern to the story of humanity, I can’t give you any spoilers, it would ruin the surprises (like the cheeseburger meteor shower…oops, I’ve said too much). As much as it may seem like a dichotomy, it is the free will of people and the way they deal with the events that confront them that locks in their fate.

So to recap, I’m not picking Presidential candidates, approving of the greed of the wealthy or sending natural disasters as political messages (“I’m God and I approved this tsunami.”). Those that think any of the above know very little about me. They should read my book sometime, when they can tear themselves away from religiously watching Fox News.

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

121 Responses so far.

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  1. Weirdwriter says:

    Well, gosh, Almighty, OF COURSE you express yourself well — hello?

    And I’m a big fan, which makes it a teensy awkward to point out that you misquoted yourself and your son.

    It’s not “Money is the root of all evil.” It’s “The LOVE of money is the root of all kinds of evil.” (1 Timothy 6:10)

    Of course, you just did that to see what we remembered from Sunday School…

    • AdLib says:

      Appreciating His infallibility, I would have to guess that this “mistake” was created intentionally to find the chosen one who would discover it.

      If I were you, I would be expecting a mysterious delivery of a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni any day now.

    • choicelady says:

      Caught God out on that one! This was a test. You passed brilliantly.

      Go to the head of the class. If there is a class -- I’m not sure…God didn’t leave a post it saying where.

  2. Mightywoof says:

    I have to say God has a wonderful turn of phrase -- so many zingers I don’t know where to start!! If he ever runs for election his PAC has its first bumper sticker: I’m God and I approved this tsunami

  3. Chernynkaya says:

    Dear God,

    You were wondering whatever happened to that guy with the rainbow wig?


  4. AlphaBitch says:

    Rut-ro! I saw there were 69 comments posted. Being a good Christian woman, I can’t let that number stand….any more than the 666 tattooed on Dick Cheney’s forehead (which is why he has now lost his hair).

    you’re welcome.

  5. AlphaBitch says:

    Dear God! I read your message, and while I am ALWAYS glad to hear from you, I have to say I’m a little teeny tiny bit disappointed in that I had kinda sorta hoped that you were in fact burning up Texas with this insufferable drought, and sending Irene to hit some silly old Republican governors states, and that the earthquake had hit Cantor’s zone as a test of some sorts to see if you could bring them to their knees and make them admit that government IS useful. I mean, I’ve had 40+ days of 100F here, with a brief shower only once (yesterday for 10 minutes). Are you “zoning” me for my FUTURE home, because I had actually HOPED that these were happening as part of a grand lesson plan? I’d like to appear before the board if so.

    Anyways, thanks for ice cream. Especially cookies and cream. (Note: I have also taken to eating frozen Oreos straight from the freezer -- Yum!). Keep up the good work, and let me know what I can do (although I’m not quite as good with the natural disaster stuff).

    Your pal, AlphaBitch

    • AdLib says:

      God just doesn’t get enough credit for the whole desserts thing (the frozen Oreo thing sounds fun!).

      Can anyone who makes hot fudge sundaes be a vengeful God?

      I can assure you that the heat wave you’re going through is not a sign from God. It’s a sign from Exxon Mobil.

      Though He’s explained that he’s not behind natural disasters, he did create Irony so maybe Irony is behind at least the timing of some of these incidents.

      Perry’s TX in a record and intense drought while he touts what a miracle TX is and how government shouldn’t do anything…while begging for billions in drought relief from the Feds. Not to mention the religious extremists there who were part of Perry’s faith/hate rally who claim natural disasters are caused by God’s anger at sinners.

      Eric Cantor’s VA is the epicenter of an earthquake, in the track of a serious hurricane months after he refused emergency funds for Joplin, MO after the tornadoes, insisting no help without cuts. Not to mention Pat Robertson and his Christian Broadcasting Network being based in VA, both of which claim that natural disasters are caused by God’s anger at sinners.

      • Emerald1943 says:

        Well, MY god developed chocolate cake! And I just had a big ol’ piece, my nightly indulgence! :-)

        As for Cantor, he’s had an earthquake and now a hurricane, all in one week! He had better watch his back! I don’t think the Almighty is very happy with him right now for extorting “cuts” for emergency funds! He and Pat Robertson have been bad boys, for sure!

  6. BlueStateMan says:

    My favorite description was Voltaire’s when he described God as being a “comedian playing to an audience that is too frightened to laugh”.


    • choicelady says:

      One has only to read children’s notes to God to know we don’t start out afraid. My fave is the kid who wrote, “Dear God, will you be in church on Sunday? If you are, I’ll show you my new shoes.”

      We should all be so unafraid and connected to our higher power.

      • AdLib says:

        I don’t think God wants people to be afraid of him or he wouldn’t have such a great sense of humor.

      • I’m not afraid. Really, I’m not. But then, I don’t believe in a supreme being of any sort. I’m not knocking that, but It just isn’t for me. Afterlife? I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

        • choicelady says:

          Probably isn’t one -- and I bet if there were, he/she would NOT look like AdLib’s picture. I think most people think of God as a force -- maybe collective human consciousness -- rather than a man or woman. There just are not very good words to discuss God. “Dear Ether” kinda doesn’t cut it. So we hang onto tradition. It’s easier.

          We don’t need God the Human Vision or Satan the other Human Vision to know there is good and evil -- and humans alone are quite capable of either.

          I think God continues to be a force simply to remind us to be joyous and thankful. Prayers are useful as a way of reminding us to take note of where we are, in good times and bad.

          Non belief in a supreme being is not cynical or wrong. But one hopes that joy and gratitude are part of any human’s condition.

          And the condemnation, exclusion, hate? Can do without that, thanks, whether or not there is a Supreme Being. It’s petty and nasty and not fully human. It’s not God who judges -- it’s other people, and they’ve no right to decide who’s in and who’s out.

          When we reach for a better sentiment -- when we speak of “all God’s children being equal” it really exists as metaphor for “all humans are equal”, with or without a higher power.

          Secular humanism was created not to be atheistic per se (that was included) but to find every single point of commonality among all the world’s beliefs and non-believers. Those principles bring us together in coherent work for the common good -- and that is the manifestation of the best of whatever you believe, no matter how.

          I find the sense of “other” powerful but not sure I believe in a supreme being so much as this life force of creative and thoughtful goodness in humanity. That is -- until takeoff and landing at which point AdLib’s God looks VERY attractive! I want Him there holding up the plane, thanks! But that’s MY issue, not yours!

          If there is a conscious “other” I can assure you it’s not the God form of the RW -- there mere fact one could posit something way better than a cranky Santa Claus means their vision is all too human.

          But we will probably never know, and it doesn’t matter anyway. The impulse toward making the world a vastly better place to live is, at the heart of the matter, what it’s all about. God or no God.

          • Emerald1943 says:

            Oh excellent comment! I see spiritual evolution as our reason to be here. Some of us are further up on the rungs of the ladder; some are lower. We all hopefully will make the climb in our own time. Unfortunately, the RW with all their pompous self-righteous attitudes about the rest of us are so many rungs behind. Perhaps I should not make that judgement but they preach about what they think Jesus would do…and they act completely differently. Taking away food and aid to the poor is not what I remember from Sunday school!

        • AdLib says:

          Whether there is or isn’t an afterlife, I am fairly confident that at least we won’t have to wear ties again.

        • Emerald1943 says:

          KT, I’m right there with you on that subject. What matters to me is how we treat our fellow man, not some mystical belief about a big dude in the sky! I don’t knock it for anyone else…each to his own.

          • There are people who take their religions seriously. My ex’s father is a devout Catholic and I mean devout. But he lives by the Beatitudes. He helps his neighbors, helps feed the elderly, which now he himself is 91 years old. He raised a family of 7 and they are all decent people. I think some people just need some sort of a guide to living. We are given the questionable “gift” of knowing we will someday die. And THAT scares the crap out of some folks. 😉

            • Emerald1943 says:

              KT, I know what you mean about your father-in-law. My grandparents were not Catholic but they were the kind of Christian that LIVED their beliefs. They were religious but never tried to force their beliefs on everyone else, like the evangelicals do. They always tried to do good for others. I don’t think that either one of them was afraid to die. I treasure the time I had with them.

    • AdLib says:

      Man, another great quote, BSM, perfect!

    • Ha! That’s an excellent quote! God doth have a sense of humor! Just look at the Platypus.


  7. I am of the same sentiment as Henry Thoreau who once said, on his deathbed, when asked by a visitor, “Henry, have you made your peace with God?”Henry answered, “”Why, we have never quarreled.

    • Emerald1943 says:

      Borowitz is hilarious! He nailed this one! :-)

    • choicelady says:

      See? It’s NEVER about him! The hurricane has landed squarely on his Virginia Beach, VA headquarters -- and does he think it’s a sign from God of God’s displeasure with him or Cantor or any of the extremists there? Nope. Can’t see the writing on the wall, Pat can’t.

      All the hardships of drought, hurricane, earthquake are in Red strongholds. They’re pretty much only boils and frogs away from the Seven Plagues. But is it about their own actions and statements? Never!

      Of course, I don’t believe God sends either wrath or signs, but since the RW does, it never ceases to amaze me that they ignore their OWN prophecies when it comes to themselves.

      Even God can’t fix stupid.

    • AdLib says:

      Did Pat Robertson say this in his butch voice?

    • Emerald1943 says:

      Khirad, thanks! I needed a good laugh! Love Borowitz!

      “All across the Eastern seaboard, there are men who get manicures, wear designer eyewear and know about thread counts,” Rev. Robertson. “God finds this somewhat gay-like behavior confusing, and He responded by getting mildly peeved.”

      Thread counts!! Hilarious! :-)

  8. PatsyT says:

    Oh boy God, I sure am glad you check in from time to time.
    I am so totally pissed off at these *%*holes that say they follow you.
    They are so full of Sh*t!
    Sorry for the rude language but these But*wipes make me very mad.
    I read you book.
    I liked it a lot!
    You have great Ideas!
    Why don’t they listen to them.
    Who is controlling them?
    Please Advise

    • AdLib says:

      God asked me to pass his reply on to you and being that he paid for the nachos last time, I couldn’t refuse.

      Believe me, I fully understand your frustration. Imagine if someone walked around with signs saying you hated gay people (using a more hurtful term for them). Hey, I’m a big deity, I can take it but if they really believe in me and that I see everything…don’t they know I can see what they’re claiming about me on their signs?

      Not like I would sue for defamation or anything but don’t they think it might be a bit awkward when they buzz for me to open the gates?

      Ah, for the good old days when Rainbow Afro Wig Guy would attend football games holding a “John 3:16” sign up to the network cameras. Now that was my kind of fanaticism.

      Why is it that sometimes, people who claim to hear from me seem to have never listened to me or read my book fully?

      Well…you know the kinds of kids who eat cake icing for breakfast then when Dad asks what they’re doing, they say, “Mom said it was okay.”?

      They grow up.

      • choicelady says:

        Dear God -- where did the bozos who claim to believe in you come from? Now they say that the Beatitudes -- your son’s most revolutionary words -- no longer are “operative” because there is a “code” in the Bible that says once Armageddon is on the way, all that is suspended. Loving your neighbor is no longer a goal? Blessed are the peacemakers is also now suspended? That was the best part of the Bible, IMHO -- why would you stop all that?

        God -- if there is a code, why did you not send us all decoder rings? Little Orphan Annie did back in the Depression for the secret codes on her radio show. Seems the least you could do. IF that’s true, of course. Should I be wary of people who claim they have an inside track with you? It’s never very clear.

        Hope you are well, that the hurricane isn’t messing with your day, and that you, too, have frozen Oreos to munch.

        Love from all your friends --

      • PatsyT says:

        Ah Yes, I love those rainbow wig guys!
        Some of them can really dance.
        They have commitment.
        Keep up the great work and thanks for checking in.
        As always
        Love hearing from you.

    • Chernynkaya says:

      Since God seems to be on coffee break, Patsy, if I may let Woody Allen answer:

  9. kesmarn says:

    Dear God,

    Thank you so much for giving us a sign.

    You know, we humans are always a little hesitant about making decisions without those all-important signs.

    This latest one was really genius.

    You gave us an infallible sheep-goat sorting tool! We know we’re not supposed to vote for the goats, and now, thanks to you, we can spot ’em even when they try to wear sheep suits and claim that you’re giving them their marching orders.

    All we have to do is look for the Crazy Eyes!

    It’s easy. Watch:






  10. Caru says:

    Great post!

    BTW, nice work on the Milky Way!

  11. Kalima says:

    Dear God,

    Thank you for each new morning, afternoon and night. I know that you would never get involved in politics, that’s just not your style. What these people don’t realise is that you can’t live their lives for them, you and your son have always supported the poor, and that your whole message through your son was to follow your example, not make up a whole new Bible to suit their needs. Won’t they be surprised when they are turned away from heaven’s gates because of the suffering they have caused so many on earth. You promised them nothing except the chance to be good and follow your lead, they have abused it every step of the way. You didn’t promise them wealth, you only promised them guidance if they truly believed in the goodness of your son. Do onto others as you would have others to do onto you. They didn’t. Their loss.

    Btw, did you invent Karma, if you did, it was a brilliant idea. I’ve seen in in progress many times throughout my lifetimes. Kudos.

    • One thing I love about Karma, is that it may be slow, but it is sure!

    • Emerald1943 says:

      Kalima, I believe he told the Buddha about that (karma) and the Buddha did a great job of getting the word out! Anybody who doubts it should just wait a while…it’ll come!

    • AdLib says:

      You hit on it perfectly. For the greedy and selfish, religion is justification. For those who try to do good in their lives, religion is inspiration.

      People can feel inspired to emulate the values of one’s faith while others cloak themselves in religion to camouflage their ill will.

      I have a feeling that the latter will not be turned away at heaven’s gates because they’ll be booked on a journey a bit more south of the border.

      As for Karma, God explained to me that he created Karma and Irony on the same day and thought he kept calling them each others’ name by accident until he realized Irony was just being sarcastic.

      • Emerald1943 says:


        “For the greedy and selfish, religion is justification. For those who try to do good in their lives, religion is inspiration.”

        Your words….beautiful! Well done!

      • Kalima says:

        Thanks for the info but you know that for some, irony would fly right over their pointy little heads, and “karma” just rolls off the tongue like butter, so I’ll stick with that if you don’t mind.

        Yes, their surprise for bad deeds on earth will come, their final “Judgement Day” is not up for negotiation. I know there is a special place for those who profit from, and use your name in vain.

        • AdLib says:

          Yes, some of those folks would think that “irony” is what one says to describe the taste of iron.

          Even Lee Atwater, on his deathbed, repented. I have a feeling those who are so destructive and dishonest in their lives might also come to the same terrified state as the end draws near.

      • bito says:

        Speaking of Irony, did you let Pat Robertson win that Iowa straw poll just to see him go down in flames latter? Irony or just a good belly laugh?

        He seems to be still at though:

        “It seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power. It has been the symbol of our great nation. We look at the symbol and we say ‘this is one nation under God.’ Now there’s a crack in it… Is that sign from the Lord? … You judge. It seems to me symbolic.”

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