God’s Blog – 8-25-2011

As the Republican Presidential Primary heats up, so do God’s ears. It seems that many folks who want to be President in the GOP believe and announce that they have been chosen, urged or noogied by God to do so.

Also, such religiously-related issues as creationism, praying the gay away and solving America’s problems through prayer have come to the forefront through these candidates.

This has put God back in the political spotlight and being that He typically likes to keep a low profile (you can’t find any pictures of Him coming out of clubs on TMZ.com), He has responded to this by writing and passing along to us the following blog:

Let me begin by saying that I never tell anyone to run for political office, I never favor one sports team over another and if you win the lottery, I appreciate the thanks but it just makes 41 million other people tell me to “damn it”.

From where I sit (and when I sit around creation, I sit around creation), it’s a pretty good deal. When good things happen, I get a lot of props. When things don’t work out, it’s just because I’m working in mysterious ways. If this was baseball, I’d have a 1000 batting average whether I hit or struck out (though I never strike out…except in vengeance! Heh, just kidding!).

The truth is that I am not political, at least in the sense that I don’t support any parties or candidates (though I did fight a zoning law once to be able to create the Earth in a non-residential area). Politics are your universe to control,  it wouldn’t be a democracy if God was invisibly controlling it (or corporations for that matter).

What I find fascinating is that the people who often claim that I am the one they’re listening to when they choose to run for office…usually support issues that show they haven’t listened before to what I or my son have to say. You know, how hard it is for a rich man to get into heaven, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, turn the other cheek, blessed are the meek,  I could go on and on…but all they would hear is “You’re so attractive, if I was corporeal I would so hit that! And you’d make such an awesome President, the greatest ever! You simply HAVE to run! You have to!”.

So, just for the fun of it, allow me to indulge in a little game of logic:

a. If God told someone to run for office
b. And he/she only supports the wealthy instead of what’s best for most people
c. Then God does not support what’s best for most people.

Which leads me to this next one:

a. God is all good.
b. An entity that opposes what’s best for most people is not all good.
c. Whoever opposes what’s best for most people is not God.

Hmm…then if it’s not me who’s telling these people to run…who is it?

Now, I’m also aware that there are those who actually think, despite my and my son’s repeated explanations that money is the root of all evil and money changers create a den of thieves (not to mention derivatives), that wealth is a divine right of those chosen by me and all that they do in the pursuit of it is endorsed by Major League Deity.

The wealthy may be investing in manufacturing needles with camel-sized eyes but their trying to portray me as a proponent of greed is absurd. First of all, I have no pockets and I can’t get a bank account because I don’t have two forms of ID so what would I do with money?

Also, and please keep this just between us, but except for Earth, the rest of the universe is socialist. You need some matter or energy, you’re welcome to just go ahead and take it, free of charge. That would drive Wall Street crazy, can you imagine if we switched places and they were God? The universe would have stopped expanding a long time ago, a minority of the universe would have most of the gravity while 99% of the universe would have a fraction of its matter, helplessly trapped in a death spiral around that minority until it finally collapsed in on them and destroyed the whole system.

And then who’s everyone going to look to for a bail out, am I right?

Lastly, I’d like to set the record straight on one other thing. I don’t get mad at people for using the free will they were given so I don’t cause hurricanes or earthquakes to express my displeasure at state ballot propositions or people having sex. I mean, why don’t people see good things as a sign from me, how come it’s always awful things?

“Look, lots of people died in a natural disaster, that’s a sign from God!” It’s never, “Hey, it’s a beautiful day, that’s a sign from God!”. Hey, I’d settle for ice cream tasting good as a sign from me, dogs and cats being so cuddly, even McRibs coming back (…then again…).

Truth is, I would have to be pretty egotistical and selfish just to use all the people on Earth to play Rockem Sockem Robots with myself. What’s the point of people having free will if it’s merely for choosing not to use it?

There is an overall pattern to the story of humanity, I can’t give you any spoilers, it would ruin the surprises (like the cheeseburger meteor shower…oops, I’ve said too much). As much as it may seem like a dichotomy, it is the free will of people and the way they deal with the events that confront them that locks in their fate.

So to recap, I’m not picking Presidential candidates, approving of the greed of the wealthy or sending natural disasters as political messages (“I’m God and I approved this tsunami.”). Those that think any of the above know very little about me. They should read my book sometime, when they can tear themselves away from religiously watching Fox News.