Sometimes the best way to address multiple problems is to take a step back and see how one solution could address them all. Like the development of recyclable American cheese and Republicans nominating themselves for President.
We have a serious budget deficit in this nation. We also have an obesity epidemic, especially in the poorer communities. Two seemingly unconnected problems, right? Not necessarily.
Consider how one impacts the other and vice versa (and the other way around, while you’re at it). Billions of dollars are spent on providing for the poor as well as on all of the health ailments they incur such as heart disease and diabetes that result from obesity. Trillions of dollars over decades and googles over the next several millennia. I could go on but for brevity’s sake, I won’t.
Meanwhile, consider the ongoing suffering of the poor and obese that will only be intensified as aid to them is cut to serve the budget deficit. If only there was a way to reduce the budget deficit AND end the suffering of the poorest among us…hmm…maybe there is…could I possibly interest you in a tasty Po’ Boy sandwich made from real poor boys? Or perhaps Sloppy Joe’s made from real sloppy Joes? Consuming got us into this mess, consuming can get us out of it!
Eat the poor.
That’s the solution that’s staring us in the face (and begging for change). By turning those on food stamps into our food supply, we would be creating a massive new industry that will generate a fortune in tax revenue and reduce the deficit. Meanwhile, a fair price per pound price could be set and poor families could pull themselves out of poverty simply by selling their choicest family members, benefiting by a reduction in their monthly expenses and starting up their own home-based business. Soon, even the poorest of families could be opening their own FatBurger franchises with just a little sweat equity.
No longer would the poor and obese be looked at as a drain on society, they would be looked at like the saviors of society (instead of a wafer and wine, a Chick-Ann McNugget and Manberry Juice might be the best tribute). The poor will be seen as noble, making the sacrifice for this country to survive that our Netflix subscriptions and internet porn make it impossible for us to find the time for.
Think of all the benefits that will flow from this. First, we will win the war on poverty. Then as the population shrinks, rush hour traffic will be reduced and lines at amusement parks will shrink, there will be a huge boom in the garage sale industry, less money for the poor and obese means more tax breaks for the wealthy and obese, no more worries about Mad Cow disease, “Eat Me” will no longer be an offensive insult and on and on.
Now some may object on moral grounds, whatever those are. To them I say, “It takes all kinds to make a Rainbow Coalition Meatloaf.” Or, “You’re eating with us or by us.” Now, that may come off a bit tough, some may have a bone to pick with me on this but considering that we all have a steak in this crisis, this approach is something that can be a prime way of cutting the fat from the deficit and meating our financial obligations. We all know this is a dog eat dog world, so you shouldn’t be surprised to see that on a menu too.
I am pleased to say that this policy has already been endorsed by the Republican Party, The Koch Brothers and the A-1 Steak Sauce company. Won’t you join our campaign? We will be having a meet and greet barbecue soon in a neighborhood near you and don’t forget to bring your family and neighbors who can’t afford to come on their own, they’ll be warmly welcomed!
(With apologies to Jonathan Swift)
The poor in this country are the symptom of our problems, not the cause of our problems. Our problems are being caused by the wealthy and powerful, those who sent our jobs overseas (resulting in millions of poor and unemployed Americans), and who designed bogus regulations that allowed the creation of the housing bubble complete with bogus home loans to the poor which eventually led to a market crash that spanned across nations leading to millions more poor and unemployed. Don’t eat the poor. Eat the wealthy, take their money and use it to pay off the government debt. Welcome to the new Doublemeat Palace.
This is a great plan!
And you will never have to leave your car.
Wendy’s – Juicy!
Carl’s Junior – stay away from Carl’s Senior (too tough)
and of course
Jack in the Box
Is that a Jack Welch in the box? I’ll take it!
We have to open it up to be sure
It might be Dairy Queen
or Burger King
or maybe Papa John
The puns are making me groan – at least, I think it’s the puns – maybe it’s just the curry I made for supper!
I made curry tonight for supper too, Woof! Shrimp. Or at least I think those were shrimp. Maybe they were just very tiny poor people.
When my daughter was about nine and my son was six, we went to one of the “Big Boy” franchise chain restaurants for dinner. The kids menu was printed — along with a maze and games — on a paper place mat. The kids were given crayons to color with on their place mats.
One of the items kids could order was a smaller version of the “Big Boy” sandwich called the “Little Boy” burger. As we finished and were ready to leave I burst out laughing when I saw that my daughter had written in crayon, next to the “Little Boy” burger description: “Made from genuine little boys.”
My son looked at her funny for a long time after that. 😯
That is hilarious, Kes! That’s one clever daughter you have!
Now did she ever ask how many Girl Scouts they use to make a box of Girl Scout cookies?
Good one, AdLib! I wish I’d thought of that at the time! 😆
Was it Tim Curry?
“Eddie? That’s rather a tender subject.”
Sorry that’s so humungous – I have no idea how to resize stuff for the Planet
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener……
…that is what I truly wish to be.
And if I was an Oscar Meyer wiener,
Everyone would be in love with me!
Before covering me with condiments and eating me. Ta-da!
How about just Koch au Vin?
Ooooohhhhh-uhhhhhh. GROAN of the WEEK, Khirad!
Sounds good, with an ice cold glass of Koch and for dessert, a slice of Koch-a-nut Cake.
I’d rather have a Rump and Koch.
What about a nice warm cup of warm Koch-Co?
Only with Marshall Mallows.
And with that you could have an Apple Frieda.
SUEshi, anyone? It goes well with a MIKEalobe light.
I’ll have some SAMmon and a Sam Adams then for dessert, SAM-Mores.
AdLib–I’ll be watching for your release of the updated “To Serve Man.” Autographed copy, please.
You’re a mind reader, this was my runner up image:
Mmmmmmm, Steak Diane. A pan-seared Lorne chop. Meat Loaf (after he’s fired off The Donald’s show, of course)!
Don’t forget broiled John Dory, steamed mussels or shredded Carrot Top.
That was a really good and humorous article……….but please
Do not show it to any GOPTPers or Corpotations or the billionaire nontax payers or CEO’s.
It sounds so much more wonderful than Soylent Green..:-)
I imagine Kraft may begin labeling its American Cheese as made from real Americans.
We may as well, Adlib.
The American people have been farmed for just about a century now already.
We’re just about butcher weight by now.
Very nice piece of satire, there!
Well, one bright spot is at least Taco Bell won’t have to use sand as filler in their tacos anymore.
Another health benefit from eating the poor is they have not treated with any antibiotics, as have the declasse livestock and chickens, thus allowing the rich to be less resistant to the medical treatment only they will receive.
Further, the humans are by far the easiest meal; no shells, no exoskeleton, no fur or feathers. The fat will render down nicely.
As far as those bourgeois morals, well, the poor want to be sacrificed, at least those of the Republic persuasion. They understand that they are less deserving and adhere to the doctrine of the Divine Right of Kings. They have been following televangelists who preach that God wants them to be rich and if they are not, it’s God’s will, so no prob there.
And AdLib– how great that you posted this TODAY! It’s McDonald’s Hiring Day–April 19th!
April 19 is National Hiring Day.
They are hiring to WIN!
LOL– the winners get to be the new Happy Meal!
As you say, one of the benefits to the poor who are Republicans is that they will actually walk right into the Soylent Green factory as they have become accustomed to acting against their best interests.
I didn’t realize today was also McDonald’s hiring day. Well, for those out of work, out of the fire and into the frying pan!
First AdLib, may I commend you on a writing style that audaciously is repetitiously redundant over and over again. Not everyone can pull that off with such elan.
Second – in addition to Swift, there is a bit of Groucho in here that is tantalizing to read. More tantalizing than the subject which, sad to say, is disgusting.
Eat the poor? Well, no. You have to consider the health consequences, AdLib! If the poor are obese, then we will be as well. The artery-clogging cheeseburger diet they have consumed will be passed on to those becoming poorivores. Not good.
There is also the risk that being poor might be contagious and transmitted to us who unthinkingly consume the poor believing they have been adequately vetted as deserving of consumption even as they were declared undeserving of compassion. We at least need some kind of agency standard – USDHHS Choice Poor or something like that – to let us know what cuts of poor will be healthy for us and not contaminate us and our children.
Somewhere along the line you mention an odd thing – moral grounds? What IS that? Some kind of place to find a mushroom side delicacy? We could use helpful shopping tips on finding tasty morality.
So I beg of you – as you promulgate this creative idea, please uphold basic America values that will protect us as consumers. It would be a terrible thing to embark on this new industry without reflecting on the long-term health consequences of this new diet. At least for us, the people of affluence. The health of the poor matters ONLY as it impacts ME, of course. We already know THEY don’t matter at all.
That’s sort of the point, isn’t it?
CL – what a great response and love the term poorivore. I don’t think I will become one however!
I once gave my husband a T-shirt that said “Eat the Rich”. I’m far more in favor of that!
Nah – they’d taste like dung.
My doctor told me to lay off Rich foods.
Exactly! A self sustaining yuckosystem! Supply becomes demand which become supply! The perfect capitalist model!
There could indeed be different categories of the poor, some premium types such as “Cage Free”.
I believe that “moral grounds” are what’s left after drinking ethically farmed coffee. But I could be wrong.
As you suggest, I have thought long and hard about this and though the GOP’s support of cannibalism may seem hard to swallow, it’s gotten a lot of bites from the media.
Good idea AdLib! It would be a definite upgrade from the shit McDonald’s serves now.
Heard a funny joke kinda on this topic the other day
Q: When is the worst time to encounter a homeless person?
A: On the way to a Coinstar
“Sure, I have change but I was gonna take it in here and exchange it for real money. If I have some change left from that….”
They don’t call it a Big Mac for nothing.
Oh Adlib…please don’t give them any more ideas! I’m sure THEY, the ‘powers’ that be, have already thought of this, but just haven’t quite figured out the right marketing angle on it!
Then again…if we shared this idea with the poor, they might come up with some recipes themselves for Rib Eye Steak with the Boehner left in, an Eric De-Cantor of wine, Michele Bachmayonnaise and Donald Trump Roast.
MarcoRubio sour grape Tea is good this year, also.
I hear the Baby Beck Ribs are not very popular, there are a number of conspiracy theories about why that is.
I tried them once; water squirted out every time I bit into them! Also, they were a tad fatty and greasy for my taste. I wondered if they were infected with Mad Now disease?
Should have ordered RibsO’Reilly- they’re dry and stringy, but they come with a loofah to wash up with 🙂
I don’t think the Republicans would really agree with this modest proposal.
The poor are much too useful as scapegoats for our nation’s ills.
Buddy, I think you make a good point, but consider this– they now have new scapegoats: teachers and cops and fire fighters. (You know, those folks who caused the financial meltdown!)
You mean those nasty people who leech off our society and drag it down – why do we put up with them? It’s like up is down and black is white – what world are we living in? Remember when all little boys wanted to be a hero firefighters and girls wanted to be teachers? God please don’t tell me they want to grow up to be Paul Ryan? I’ll just shoot myself now!!!
All of the teenage nerds who were bullied in High School, who felt humiliated by the girls who wouldn’t go out with them and intimidated by the guys of different ethnicities who had the confidence and skills they could only dream of, they are the ones who dream of being Paul Ryan when they grow up…if they grow up.
Hey, I thought ACORN caused the financial meltdown!
They were squashed, didn’t you hear?
True Buddy, but they would only have the strongest and best of the poor to bring them their Buddyburgers and choicefries!
The rest of us would drag in staggering amounts of Cher-ries Adonai, and bitojuice.
Abbyrose, fox, chase and Khirad will do a little after dinner show with AB on play-by-play and cove on color.
*edit- damn- forgot AdLib as Master of Ceremonies, and awards presenter.
Kalima, wts and Rosie would join us on Skype.
Don’t forget Bito Honeys, Kalima-ta Olives, KQuark and KQuisp Cereals and AdLibber and Onions.
Oh come on, I thought you knew me better than that, I love pastry, look absolutely divine wearing it too. I want to be Kalima Pot Pie. 🙄
Not Kalimari? 😀
Food for thought..
I’ll mullet over.
Sure, chew on it for a while.
jkkFL–Our after dinner show could include some cooking demonstrations. The Peach Melba Moore is divine. And, Bananas Foster Brooks–intoxicating!
(Again showing my age.)
I’ve always been partial to Oysters Rockefeller myself, maybe you could include that?
You could serve them with Breitbart Dark, and Palin Lieme Pie. (although the liemes might be out of season now)
jkkFL–I love Oysters Rockefeller, preferably the Oysters Jay Rockefeller. I find the Oysters Nelson Rockefeller a bit too gritty.
For Repubs, there are always more scapegoats in the ocean.
If you plan to do any scapegoat fishing this year, better hurry!
FL Fish & Wildlife is thinking of closing the season early. 😉
My favorite bait to use for catching scapegoat is weasel.
BYOW- which means a detour thru DC..