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AdLib On April - 19 - 2011

Sometimes the best way to address multiple problems is to take a step back and see how one solution could address them all. Like the development of recyclable American cheese and Republicans nominating themselves for President.

We have a serious budget deficit in this nation. We also have an obesity epidemic, especially in the poorer communities. Two seemingly unconnected problems, right? Not necessarily.

Consider how one impacts the other and vice versa (and the other way around, while you’re at it). Billions of dollars are spent on providing for the poor as well as on all of the health ailments they incur such as heart disease and diabetes that result from obesity.  Trillions of dollars over decades and googles over the next several millennia. I could go on but for brevity’s sake, I won’t.

Meanwhile, consider the ongoing suffering of the poor and obese that will only be intensified as aid to them is cut to serve the budget deficit. If only there was a way to reduce the budget deficit AND end the suffering of the poorest among us…hmm…maybe there is…could I possibly interest you in a tasty Po’ Boy sandwich made from real poor boys? Or perhaps Sloppy Joe’s made from real sloppy Joes? Consuming got us into this mess, consuming can get us out of it!

Eat the poor.

That’s the solution that’s staring us in the face (and begging for change). By turning those on food stamps into our food supply, we would be creating a massive new industry that will generate a fortune in tax revenue and reduce the deficit. Meanwhile, a fair price per pound price could be set and poor families could pull themselves out of poverty simply by selling their choicest family members, benefiting by a reduction in their monthly expenses and starting up their own home-based business. Soon, even the poorest of families could be opening their own FatBurger franchises with just a little sweat equity.

No longer would the poor and obese be looked at as a drain on society, they would be looked at like the saviors of society (instead of a wafer and wine, a Chick-Ann McNugget and Manberry Juice might be the best tribute). The poor will be seen as noble, making the sacrifice for this country to survive that our Netflix subscriptions and internet porn make it impossible for us to find the time for.

Think of all the benefits that will flow from this. First, we will win the war on poverty. Then as the population shrinks, rush hour traffic will be reduced and lines at amusement parks will shrink, there will be a huge boom in the garage sale industry, less money for the poor and obese means more tax breaks for the wealthy and obese, no more worries about Mad Cow disease, “Eat Me” will no longer be an offensive insult and on and on.

Now some may object on moral grounds, whatever those are. To them I say, “It takes all kinds to make a Rainbow Coalition Meatloaf.” Or, “You’re eating with us or by us.” Now, that may come off a bit tough, some may have a bone to pick with me on this but considering that we all have a steak in this crisis,  this approach is something that can be a prime way of cutting the fat from the deficit and meating our financial obligations.  We all know this is a dog eat dog world, so you shouldn’t be surprised to see that on a menu too.

I am pleased to say that this policy has already been endorsed by the Republican Party, The Koch Brothers and the A-1 Steak Sauce company. Won’t you join our campaign? We will be having a meet and greet barbecue soon in a neighborhood near you and don’t forget to bring your family and neighbors who can’t afford to come on their own, they’ll be warmly welcomed!

(With apologies to Jonathan Swift)

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

73 Responses so far.

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  1. jjgravitas says:

    The poor in this country are the symptom of our problems, not the cause of our problems. Our problems are being caused by the wealthy and powerful, those who sent our jobs overseas (resulting in millions of poor and unemployed Americans), and who designed bogus regulations that allowed the creation of the housing bubble complete with bogus home loans to the poor which eventually led to a market crash that spanned across nations leading to millions more poor and unemployed. Don’t eat the poor. Eat the wealthy, take their money and use it to pay off the government debt. Welcome to the new Doublemeat Palace.

  2. PatsyT says:

    This is a great plan!

    And you will never have to leave your car.
    Wendy’s -- Juicy!
    Carl’s Junior -- stay away from Carl’s Senior (too tough)
    and of course
    Jack in the Box


  3. Mightywoof says:

    The puns are making me groan -- at least, I think it’s the puns -- maybe it’s just the curry I made for supper!

  4. whatsthatsound says:

    I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener……

    • AdLib says:

      …that is what I truly wish to be.

      And if I was an Oscar Meyer wiener,

      Everyone would be in love with me!

      Before covering me with condiments and eating me. Ta-da!

  5. Khirad says:

    How about just Koch au Vin?

  6. AlphaBitch says:

    SUEshi, anyone? It goes well with a MIKEalobe light.

  7. chasethis says:

    AdLib--I’ll be watching for your release of the updated “To Serve Man.” Autographed copy, please.

  8. chasethis says:

    Mmmmmmm, Steak Diane. A pan-seared Lorne chop. Meat Loaf (after he’s fired off The Donald’s show, of course)!

  9. coveark says:

    That was a really good and humorous article……….but please

    Do not show it to any GOPTPers or Corpotations or the billionaire nontax payers or CEO’s.

    It sounds so much more wonderful than Soylent Green..:-)

  10. foxisms says:

    We may as well, Adlib.
    The American people have been farmed for just about a century now already.
    We’re just about butcher weight by now.

    Very nice piece of satire, there!

  11. Chernynkaya says:

    Another health benefit from eating the poor is they have not treated with any antibiotics, as have the declasse livestock and chickens, thus allowing the rich to be less resistant to the medical treatment only they will receive.

    Further, the humans are by far the easiest meal; no shells, no exoskeleton, no fur or feathers. The fat will render down nicely.

    As far as those bourgeois morals, well, the poor want to be sacrificed, at least those of the Republic persuasion. They understand that they are less deserving and adhere to the doctrine of the Divine Right of Kings. They have been following televangelists who preach that God wants them to be rich and if they are not, it’s God’s will, so no prob there.

    And AdLib-- how great that you posted this TODAY! It’s McDonald’s Hiring Day--April 19th!

    April 19 is National Hiring Day.

    McDonald’s and its franchisees are looking to hire up to 50,000 new employees. Do you have what it takes? Apply at your local McDonald’s today, or through the Restaurant Opportunities link below.


    They are hiring to WIN!

    LOL-- the winners get to be the new Happy Meal!

    • AdLib says:

      As you say, one of the benefits to the poor who are Republicans is that they will actually walk right into the Soylent Green factory as they have become accustomed to acting against their best interests.

      I didn’t realize today was also McDonald’s hiring day. Well, for those out of work, out of the fire and into the frying pan!

  12. choicelady says:

    First AdLib, may I commend you on a writing style that audaciously is repetitiously redundant over and over again. Not everyone can pull that off with such elan.

    Second -- in addition to Swift, there is a bit of Groucho in here that is tantalizing to read. More tantalizing than the subject which, sad to say, is disgusting.

    Eat the poor? Well, no. You have to consider the health consequences, AdLib! If the poor are obese, then we will be as well. The artery-clogging cheeseburger diet they have consumed will be passed on to those becoming poorivores. Not good.

    There is also the risk that being poor might be contagious and transmitted to us who unthinkingly consume the poor believing they have been adequately vetted as deserving of consumption even as they were declared undeserving of compassion. We at least need some kind of agency standard -- USDHHS Choice Poor or something like that -- to let us know what cuts of poor will be healthy for us and not contaminate us and our children.

    Somewhere along the line you mention an odd thing -- moral grounds? What IS that? Some kind of place to find a mushroom side delicacy? We could use helpful shopping tips on finding tasty morality.

    So I beg of you -- as you promulgate this creative idea, please uphold basic America values that will protect us as consumers. It would be a terrible thing to embark on this new industry without reflecting on the long-term health consequences of this new diet. At least for us, the people of affluence. The health of the poor matters ONLY as it impacts ME, of course. We already know THEY don’t matter at all.

    That’s sort of the point, isn’t it?

    • AdLib says:

      If the poor are obese, then we will be as well. The artery-clogging cheeseburger diet they have consumed will be passed on to those becoming poorivores.

      Exactly! A self sustaining yuckosystem! Supply becomes demand which become supply! The perfect capitalist model!

      There could indeed be different categories of the poor, some premium types such as “Cage Free”.

      I believe that “moral grounds” are what’s left after drinking ethically farmed coffee. But I could be wrong.

      As you suggest, I have thought long and hard about this and though the GOP’s support of cannibalism may seem hard to swallow, it’s gotten a lot of bites from the media.

    • Artist50 says:

      CL -- what a great response and love the term poorivore. I don’t think I will become one however!

  13. ADONAI says:

    Good idea AdLib! It would be a definite upgrade from the shit McDonald’s serves now.

    Heard a funny joke kinda on this topic the other day

    Q: When is the worst time to encounter a homeless person?

    A: On the way to a Coinstar

    “Sure, I have change but I was gonna take it in here and exchange it for real money. If I have some change left from that….”

  14. Abbyrose86 says:

    Oh Adlib…please don’t give them any more ideas! I’m sure THEY, the ‘powers’ that be, have already thought of this, but just haven’t quite figured out the right marketing angle on it!

  15. Buddy McCue says:

    I don’t think the Republicans would really agree with this modest proposal.

    The poor are much too useful as scapegoats for our nation’s ills.

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