It may seem like an eternity since God last blogged here at The Planet (at least to us) but I understand he was binge watching several series on Netflix (He and Satan both love Breaking Bad) so I was very pleased to see this latest blog from Him that once again shows that he does see everything…even if he does Tivo past the boring parts (I’ve heard the NSA has tried to bring him on as a paid consultant on omnipotence). So get out your Ten Commandments place mat, someone’s about to be served by The Big Guy.
GOD’S BLOG – 11-13-2013
The people who are most aggressive about my son booking a return trip to Earth should first understand the difference between The Messiah and a Meatball sub.
It has come to my attention (as of course everything does) that America’s ex-President George Bush will be lending his name and speaking to The Messianic Jewish Bible Institute. They espouse that if they can convert enough Jews to Christianity, my son will charter the next Spirit Airlines flight down to the U.S..
Some might consider these folks “Subway Club Christians” since they apparently believe that if they get their conversions card stamped ten times, they get a free Resurrection. If Jesus was to be influenced by a fast food promotion, I think it would more likely be something like, “Buy one and the poor get one free!”. I can tell you this however, Jesus is not lazing in a recliner in Heaven with a tally counter in his hand, clicking it once for each converted Christian until it reaches some special number that will make him say, “Finally! Took long enough! Where are my keys?”
No one knows kids better than their parents and I know this about my son, he is not a numbers guy. For example, when he was young, I remember a story problem he had, “If you had five loaves of bread and two fish, how would you equally divide them between five thousand people?” Well, he solved that problem without using a lick of math. And as I recall, he wasn’t too keen on those who counted money either. He’s got issues with math so it’s really silly to think he’d base a decision on it. Oh, he does believe in adding and multiplying but he’s never believed in division.
As for subtraction, that’s something he also opposes. Many Republicans in Congress who are very vocal about their dedication to my son’s teachings, have expressed pleasure at the recent cuts in food stamps for the poor. Really? And they can’t wait for my son to come knocking on their door? Do they really think he’ll be handing out to them VIP wristbands to The Rapture? I mean, if they went around setting forest fires, would they expect Smokey The Bear to invite them camping?
They seem a bit confused, maybe they accidentally mixed up the names “Romans” and “Christians” and think that each one is the other? That would certainly make more sense. In my son’s brief experience with them, the Romans oppressed the poor, opposed my son’s teachings of equality, peace and love, worshiped idols (thousands of years before Ronald Reagan) and crucified those who they didn’t conform to their beliefs (thousands of years before Barack Obama).
Whatever the case may be, I remember saying once in a best seller I had ghostwritten, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” If any of these folks remember at least that much from that book they claim to have read religiously, they might want to reconsider how anxious they should be to meet my son for coffee and judgement.
Dear God:
I have so little time these days, but have been trying to follow you on Twitter. I do think you need more than 140 characters – kinda like your sons and daughters need more than 12 characters to follow THEM – to let your true light shine on us all. Thanks for taking time from your even busier schedule and returning to THIS Planet for some wisdom.
I did note one sentence that I think might be the crux of all this misunderstanding. You noted that: “Some might consider these folks ‘Subway Club Christians’ since they apparently believe that if they get their conversions card stamped ten times, they get a free Resurrection.”
I think what is leading them astray is that they thought it meant if they get their conversion card stamped ten times, they get a free ERECTION. It’s why they are trying so “hard”. What they failed to realize is that that is a perversion card, not a conversion card. No need to “save” people who are doing your work regardless of their faith or lack thereof.
So thanks, Big Guy. Like Sue, I was hoping you would show up soon. Now tell me what I really need to know: Does Ted Cruz have hairplugs?
Your servant, AB
Hey AB, God asked me to pass along that he knows you’re busy and really appreciates that you’re doing his work (there’s a Deity-in-Training workshop at the end of the month you’re invited to attend).
God mentioned that he does Tweet a lot but mostly through birds.
You can’t blame the Baggers for pursuing Free Erections, they spend and average of $300/mo on Viagra (which seems like a lot considering the very small item they’re trying to address).
And yes, Ted Cruz has hairplugs and has sold his soul to Satan for them…which makes one realize just how bad a negotiator Satan can sometimes be.
Hey God: thanks for the update. Any chance we can fool the Baggers into voting for Free Elections instead of erections?
And yes, Viagra for the most part does seem to address a very, very, tiny problem. So these folks get covered for this in the ACA?? Do the Mrses. Baggers have a say? Just sayin that doin’ the deed with a Randy Paul or a Crazypants Cruz in need of such would make me vote AGAINST health care reform. Or get all stabby. Somethin.
AB, I believe a recent study showed that the wives of Tea Baggers aren’t bothered by their husbands’ use of Viagra, “We never noticed the difference but if there is one, it’s very little anyway.”
Just another reason for Republican women to vote Democratic, if they want to stop getting screwed by Republicans.
Ad, I like the part about the “money changers”. The “Good Book” does say many times that the ” money changers” are the problem. Greed is what starts so many problems.
The Bible is full of stories about Jesus helping the poor and disadvantaged. It even says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” or something close.
I wonder how the bankers (money changers) would like it if we all did unto them like they do unto us?
Nirek, this is why God created the act of denial, even if he says he didn’t. The greedy people who simultaneously need to believe their Christians, despite all of Jesus’ many statements against the evil of greed and wealth, must rationalize away or deny Jesus’ core beliefs…so they can claim to be a loyal follower of his.
There’s a reason these types live in a tangle of twisted logic, it’s the only “ground” they can stand on.
Oh my, God, you sure did deliver. This is just what I was hoping you would address. Every time I look at one of those goofballs, I ask myself the same question, If they read your book of stories, did they actually comprehend what you were trying to say? I think you are on the right page here, they have no effin clue what you are really all about and I can guarantee they will be shaking in their boots when you finally have that meeting with them. Good for you, I knew you understood more along my lines than any of them.
It has been a long time, God, please make another appearance sooner? I promise I will try to write something in the next few weeks about an artist from the mid century who I was lucky enough to meet his daughter in law. I promise.
Sue, I think I can speak for Him when I say that your encouragement for God to post a new Blog had a bit to do with this latest one. Thanks from both of us for your kind and inspiring words.
The dichotomy of Christians and Romans, with regards to the views expressed by RW so-called Christians provides a pretty simple and instructive illustration. Is there any question where these RW religious would be standing with back then? With Jesus who believed in peace, love and opposed materialism and wealth or with the Romans who reveled in their religious and political domination of those who were minorities and weaker in their society?
If the Monty Python movie, Life of Brian, was remade today, they could add a bit with Tea Baggers standing all chummy with the Romans and hooting at Jesus and others dragging crosses through town while wearing, “Christian and Proud!” t-shirts.
God has promised me He won’t allow so much time to pass between posts in the future and he did mention that he’s looking forward to your post on that artist whose daughter-in-law you met…hopefully he’s not saying that because he knows he’ll be thanked somewhere in it.
You can bet they would not have even recognized the Man in those times, he would be a Libtard just like all of us. I get so sick of these people and their phony religion. People like Palin who claim that religious banner but go around making fun and/or being petty about what others, who are not like them, do. I will admit it is a life long thing with me, like fjb below, I started questioning Christian teachings at a very young age. I was the “problem child” in Sunday school.
With all the research and reporting I have done, I think it is safe to say I know what I am talking about with these hypocrites. Not saying I am the ultimate in knowledge, but I have seen enough to understand that people fall for religious fervor without really knowing what is going on in the background. For crying out loud, adopt a puppy if you crave that togetherness. To fall into the heresy some of these people tout is the worst thing you could do.
Sue – Jesus was the “problem child”, too. We were not meant to be brainless or reflexive no matter WHAT you believe. Any Christian ought to encourage rebellion against the status quo. Anyone who wants conformity has utterly missed the point. Good for you for being a thorny kid!
Cl I think because my mom was a Christian, they thought she would slap some sense in to me, but she is the type of Christian who does not broadcast nor does she try to suck you in with false promises and fairytales.
Good Mom! My kinda woman!
CL yes, I think you and she would get along just fine.
I am reasonably sure that the Religious Right are all the people preparing to stone the woman to death. I rather think they took “let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” as an INSTRUCTION since they believe they ARE without sin. Never good when your directives are misunderstood.
Frankly, God, I’m surprised all it takes is 10 stamps to get into Heaven. I figured it would be a LOT harder than that. Kind of a low bar, IMHO. Not criticizing or anything, but maybe you and your son should have made clear it’s a way of life, not a set of gold stars on your ticket? Or I guess actually you and he did – they just weren’t reading it right. Or WERE reading it Right, but not holistically.
I”m not into smiting or anything, but sometimes I wish you’d send them a REAL sign they are not following your teachings? They can’t see the hurricanes, fires, extreme poverty, losses at the polls, and failure to win Powerball – anything that shows they’re wrong – as something to make them question their interpretation of your words.
That’s why I’m sure evolution is the way we developed because I can sense quite clearly you would not have set Louis Gohmert, Michelle Bachmann, and Ted Cruz or his father as the evidence of Intelligent Divine. Even YOU aren’t that funny!
Love and hugs. Looking forward to your next post. Off to try to live a good and compassionate life. I think that’s what you want from and for us – to keep on trying to make the world a better place? Thanks for the opportunity.
Heh! CL, very funny about casting stones taken as training instructions by Baggers!
Each of the ten stamps could represent thousands of conversions, I’m not an expert in Conversion Club Cards but I do have a Bagger Slapdown Club Card and if I can only take 7 more Baggers down, I get a giant sucker.
God asked me to pass this reply along:
Yeah I can see the problem. You bring on the big signs, and they SILL think it’s all about the other guy, not them. Must be hard, being Omni powerful and all, to be so misunderstood by your followers.
I have to tell you, God, I feel kinda left out – I have never once seen your face or Jesus’ in waffles, grilled cheese, or on a wall.
I think I will join AdLib and get a Bagger Slapdown Card. It’s a diversion in that pursuit of social justice. And no Bagger has been harmed in the making of this joke.
See you!
CL, you’d have to have the patience of Job to be God (or vice versa) when it comes to trying to enlighten these Tea Baggers. They have a mind like a sealed trap.
God asked me to pass along that he’s glad that you don’t see his son’s face in grilled cheese sandwiches because he’s supposed to be laying off on the cholesterol. He added that He doesn’t use product placement to promote any religion so if people are seeing a holy figure in their Wheatina, they probably need to get a bit more sleep.
I was raised in a Christian family and began reading the bible at a very young age. As I read it questions kept arising that could not be explained in the book. I will not list them as there were so many, and that caused me to research many things about the bible later on in life.
The one thing that struck me was that there were various versions of the bible millennia before Christianity’s arrival in various languages and lands all with their gods and devils. It brought to me that the books were written by man, some sensible, some outlandish.
My final decision was that I was trying to adhere to the words of men and not some god. The gods they developed were to instill fear in those around them to keep control.
Since I am of independent mind I find it impossible to accept any mans interpretation of what a religion should be or accept. Thus, I am an atheist.
I can’t even name all of the various forms of Christianity there are today; which I find odd. Evidently some believe that their form of Christianity is the best because it fits their desire to practice as they wish. Sounds like all of the versions of Islam.
As I watch the various religions being practiced today I am dismayed at their lack of care for each other, as each one has its own rules that man should live by and yet they are unable to understand one another but they all seem to practice peace as long as they rule their perspective areas; as if some defined area denotes ones religion Somehow they never reach the point that man is allowed to choose their religion and be at peace with all; which makes religion a farce.
There is only one rule to live by: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Hi FJB you sound like me although I do believe there is a higher power and I guess I could call him God, I know he is not the same person portrayed in the story book that man has interpreted over and over. Like you, I had questions from an early age and I never accepted all the trappings of Christianity. If I am a good person and treat others the way I want to be treated, then I know I am doing the right thing. I was watching a show that I watch pretty regularly and one guy said:
“God did not even speak directly to the mother of his son and these people want us to believe he talks to them?”
That one short sentence pretty much says what I have always felt but did not know how to explain.
Sue, but George Bush said God or Jesus told him to become President! And Michele Bachmann said God told her to run for President last year.
People can say what they will about God but has he got a wicked sense of humor or what?
Adlib
I think the actor was talking about those specific people, or should I say the writer, when he wrote the script. I really try not to be down on organized religion but these people make it real hard.
And Rick Perry was anointed King, then when that fizzled out, they anointed Rand and Ted. Going to be interesting to see them duke it out – who’s the King and who is not. Now for THIS we could have popcorn if not Subway sandwiches!
Really appreciate your post, fjb.
It does seem like a vicious circle many people get caught up in, the righteousness of one religion or segment of a religion over others or the insistence on what people should believe in a religion.
Religion is like most powerful things in our civilization, it can be used constructively or destructively, depending on who is wielding it.
Pope Francis appears to be using religion to promote tolerance and compassion while RW religious folks here are using their religious convictions to attack and take rights away from others and seek to oppress those who have different views and beliefs. There are the millions of peaceful Muslims who are admirable citizens of the U.S. and there are Muslims who’ve joined Al Qaeda and have killed innocent people in the name of Islam.
Being buried too deep in the details of a religion’s dogma does seem to be what divides people and keeps too many closed-minded to the reality and sea of fellow humans around them.
In the old days, they didn’t want people using reason when it came to religion, there was punishment for free thinkers and a promotion of the concept of blind faith being a noble thing because in truth, it made followers ripe for exploitation. There are still those types of people around today but there are also those who can balance their beliefs in their religion with their sense of reason and their awareness of the world.
Those who take away from their religion the principles of seeing other human beings (especially the most vulnerable) as their brothers and sisters deserving of compassion and respect…even if they have different beliefs, are wonderful ambassadors for their religion. Those who justify the domination of others as the will of their religion (or lack of religion), present their beliefs as downright evil.
As you recounted, many people who simply accepted all the aspects of their religion as children, grow up to develop critical thinking and reassess those beliefs. That’s a healthy thing. Sometimes they remain a believer in their religion as a more enlightened person and sometimes they strike out on their own independent path of beliefs.
There is no question that human hands wrote every religious document in the world. What inspired them to write exactly what they did can be up for debate. The King James Version of The Bible was of course commissioned by King James who had a number of things on his political agenda that explains some of the changes in that rewriting. Other people who wrote versions of The Bible could have had agendas along the way as well. Meanwhile, the creative process is a genuine mystery, where does does that combo of inspiration and creative expression come from?
In any case, your boiling it all down to The Golden Rule sure is hard to argue with…especially if one doesn’t want others to argue against them.
Biblical scholar and fundamentalist turned reflective theologian Brad Ehrman discovered over 400,000 different VERSIONS of the Bible. Most vary by punctuation or single word differences, but overall there were human alterations that changed some of the meaning. No wonder we have splinter groups! We’re no better than Jonathan Swift’s Lilliputians who warred over which end of the egg should be opened.
I would like to say that within the mainline Protestant denominations and from them to all other faiths and non believers there is an amazing dialogue about what we share, how we differ, and how to respect the latter when it occurs. We have a poster in our office – a large organization supporting mainline, progressive social justice advocacy – that shows you are spot on: EVERY faith tradition has the rule of ‘do unto others…’. That is the absolute core of each faith.
Now – the problem is living UP to that common value!
The only time I reject others’ views is when that is not present or has been reserved for “members only” of any specific religion or faith tradition. Fundamentalism is the “sheep v goats” litmus testing of rules adhered to that separate us one from the other. Holistic faith is inclusive. As people we may not be, but that IS its goal. Anything that is rigidly separatist is not faith but a club. It does not meet its own test of “do unto others.”
Your quest is shared by hundreds of millions, and it is breaking barriers, tearing down walls, ending ancient enmities. Some day we will look back on this historic period as one of powerful re-formation equal to the Great Schism, the Protestant Reformation, all large changes in who we are, what we believe. I hope it will move your direction and mine. That is rather up to us. But move it will. It always does.
My Lord, it’s good to see you.
What is it with these GOPTP guys? They seem to be obsessed with turning Jews into Christians. And turning gay folks into straight people. Can’t they just settle for your Son’s trick of turning water into wine? Isn’t that magical enough for them?
Small question. Off topic, but I’m curious. If your Son travels Spirit airlines, I’m guessing His mom would be booking with Virgin?
May I take a moment to congratulate you on your boy Frank. You really did a great job on that fella. The world knows him as Pope Francis, but I hear your Son refers to him as “Bro.”
Frank just got the highest praise any genuine Christian can ever receive in the 21st century. Sarah Palin said he had a “liberal agenda.” She really doesn’t like him — nor does her pal Beelzebub Mephistopheles.
It doesn’t get any better than that when it comes to establishing your Christian cred.
Kes, it is kind of ridiculous that conservatives who resist any type of change themselves want the whole world around them to change to be just like them. As for Jesus, God mentioned to me that he wishes he had copyrighted his original motto for his teachings, “Hope and Change”.
Good one on Virgin Airways! God flies on all airlines though and is often asked to be the co-pilot. He does apologize though for being at every TSA checkpoint at the same time does unfortunately slow down other travelers.
Wow, if Sarah Palin has been reduced to attacking The Pope, she hasn’t just jumped the shark, she’s riding on its back into the mouth of a killer whale.
I did ask God why he made Sarah Palin and he said it would be easier to explain the meaning of life.
Dear God, thanks so much for your words of infallibility. Why do so many people yearn for the Big Apocalada? Is it just too much effort to be nice? Too hard to avoid temptation? Too easy to vote for people like Sarah Palin? Is it so exhausting that rapture sounds like a relief? Is it so much effort for people to rise to your son’s standards that they compromise by lowering the standards? I wonder about these things sometime.
By the way any reason why your son spends so much time helping football players score touchdowns? It seems a little odd.
Respectfully yours,
Funk, I wonder if the yearning for the end of existence is the result of an irresistible marketing campaign by End Of Timers or if it comes more from the type of people who have to skip to the end of a book to see what happens.
God asked me to pass this response along to you:
Hi God, long time no see.
Nicely put God and you can only get into Heaven if you “repent”. Some bright spark unfortunately misspelled it as “resent”, and now the Republicans have this weird idea that there is no limit to how many times you can commit the same sin, but as they are about everything else, they are wrong. God keeps lists stuck to his fridge and all those who harm others during their time on earth will have to answer to him on Judgement Day. The big surprise waiting for them is that their reservations are not for a place in Heaven, that will be fully booked by those who suffered. Their reservations are for an eternal chain gang in Hell.
They really should learn how to read and stop with the proof reading and editing of your book. Happy Rapture everyone, we tried to warn you.
As for George Brush, did he get payed for that gig, and hasn’t he done enough damage?
Subway Samitches eh? I think that I had one here once, nobody stamped my card, and there was so much of it, I could have eaten for a week or gone into the desert to hand out a few pieces too.
Kalima, yep, you really put your finger on that one. They can’t repent because they are blind to their transgressions. How anyone can’t see that attacking the poor goes against the core beliefs of Christianity completely escapes me.
These types who are actually in positions of power to hurt the poor will have a lot to answer for and like God, it is kind of ironic that they are among the most enthusiastic people wanting Judgement Day to come.
It would be amusing to see their faces when they find out they should have packed for warmer weather.
Bush has to be the most disgusting ex-President in modern times but he does have a lot of competition from other GOP Presidents. Look at all the Dem Presidents, each pursued some constructive effort. meanwhile, Bush paints pictures of himself in the bathroom and represents at a gathering of Jew-hating extremists. That’s George Bush for ya!
I don’t know if Repubs are frequent customers of Subway. They seem more like the Burger King type because they feel entitled to being royalty even if it’s ruling over artificial, polluted, inauthentic “subjects”.