holygrail049

It may seem like an eternity since God last blogged here at The Planet (at least to us) but I understand he was binge watching several series on Netflix (He and Satan both love Breaking Bad) so I was very pleased to see this latest blog from Him that once again shows that he does see everything…even if he does Tivo past the boring parts (I’ve heard the NSA has tried to bring him on as a paid consultant on omnipotence). So get out your Ten Commandments place mat, someone’s about to be served by The Big Guy.

GOD’S BLOG – 11-13-2013

The people who are most aggressive about my son booking a return trip to Earth should first understand the difference between The Messiah and a Meatball sub.

It has come to my attention (as of course everything does) that America’s ex-President George Bush will be lending his name and speaking to The Messianic Jewish Bible Institute. They espouse that if they can convert enough Jews to Christianity, my son will charter the next Spirit Airlines flight down to the U.S..

Some might consider these folks “Subway Club Christians” since they apparently believe that if they get their conversions card stamped ten times, they get a free Resurrection. If Jesus was to be influenced by a fast food promotion, I think it would more likely be something like, “Buy one and the poor get one free!”. I can tell you this however, Jesus is not lazing in a recliner in Heaven with a tally counter in his hand, clicking it once for each converted Christian until it reaches some special number that will make him say, “Finally! Took long enough! Where are my keys?”

No one knows kids better than their parents and I know this about my son, he is not a numbers guy. For example, when he was young, I remember a story problem he had, “If you had five loaves of bread and two fish, how would you equally divide them between five thousand people?” Well, he solved that problem without using a lick of math. And as I recall, he wasn’t too keen on those who counted money either. He’s got issues with math so it’s really silly to think he’d base a decision on it. Oh, he does believe in adding and multiplying but he’s never believed in division.

As for subtraction, that’s something he also opposes. Many Republicans in Congress who are very vocal about their dedication to my son’s teachings, have expressed pleasure at the recent cuts in food stamps for the poor. Really? And they can’t wait for my son to come knocking on their door? Do they really think he’ll be handing out to them VIP wristbands to The Rapture? I mean, if they went around setting forest fires, would they expect Smokey The Bear to invite them camping?

They seem a bit confused, maybe they accidentally mixed up the names “Romans” and “Christians” and think that each one is the other? That would certainly make more sense. In my son’s brief experience with them, the Romans oppressed the poor, opposed my son’s teachings of equality, peace and love, worshiped idols (thousands of years before Ronald Reagan) and crucified those who they didn’t conform to their beliefs (thousands of years before Barack Obama).

Whatever the case may be, I remember saying once in a best seller I had ghostwritten, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”  If any of these folks remember at least that much from that book they claim to have read religiously, they might want to reconsider how anxious they should be to meet my son for coffee and judgement.

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AlphaBitch
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AlphaBitch

Dear God:

I have so little time these days, but have been trying to follow you on Twitter. I do think you need more than 140 characters – kinda like your sons and daughters need more than 12 characters to follow THEM – to let your true light shine on us all. Thanks for taking time from your even busier schedule and returning to THIS Planet for some wisdom.

I did note one sentence that I think might be the crux of all this misunderstanding. You noted that: “Some might consider these folks ‘Subway Club Christians’ since they apparently believe that if they get their conversions card stamped ten times, they get a free Resurrection.”

I think what is leading them astray is that they thought it meant if they get their conversion card stamped ten times, they get a free ERECTION. It’s why they are trying so “hard”. What they failed to realize is that that is a perversion card, not a conversion card. No need to “save” people who are doing your work regardless of their faith or lack thereof.

So thanks, Big Guy. Like Sue, I was hoping you would show up soon. Now tell me what I really need to know: Does Ted Cruz have hairplugs?

Your servant, AB

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Nirek
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Ad, I like the part about the “money changers”. The “Good Book” does say many times that the ” money changers” are the problem. Greed is what starts so many problems.
The Bible is full of stories about Jesus helping the poor and disadvantaged. It even says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” or something close.
I wonder how the bankers (money changers) would like it if we all did unto them like they do unto us?

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SueInCa
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Oh my, God, you sure did deliver. This is just what I was hoping you would address. Every time I look at one of those goofballs, I ask myself the same question, If they read your book of stories, did they actually comprehend what you were trying to say? I think you are on the right page here, they have no effin clue what you are really all about and I can guarantee they will be shaking in their boots when you finally have that meeting with them. Good for you, I knew you understood more along my lines than any of them.

It has been a long time, God, please make another appearance sooner? I promise I will try to write something in the next few weeks about an artist from the mid century who I was lucky enough to meet his daughter in law. I promise.

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fjb
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fjb

I was raised in a Christian family and began reading the bible at a very young age. As I read it questions kept arising that could not be explained in the book. I will not list them as there were so many, and that caused me to research many things about the bible later on in life.

The one thing that struck me was that there were various versions of the bible millennia before Christianity’s arrival in various languages and lands all with their gods and devils. It brought to me that the books were written by man, some sensible, some outlandish.

My final decision was that I was trying to adhere to the words of men and not some god. The gods they developed were to instill fear in those around them to keep control.

Since I am of independent mind I find it impossible to accept any mans interpretation of what a religion should be or accept. Thus, I am an atheist.

I can’t even name all of the various forms of Christianity there are today; which I find odd. Evidently some believe that their form of Christianity is the best because it fits their desire to practice as they wish. Sounds like all of the versions of Islam.

As I watch the various religions being practiced today I am dismayed at their lack of care for each other, as each one has its own rules that man should live by and yet they are unable to understand one another but they all seem to practice peace as long as they rule their perspective areas; as if some defined area denotes ones religion Somehow they never reach the point that man is allowed to choose their religion and be at peace with all; which makes religion a farce.

There is only one rule to live by: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

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choicelady
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Biblical scholar and fundamentalist turned reflective theologian Brad Ehrman discovered over 400,000 different VERSIONS of the Bible. Most vary by punctuation or single word differences, but overall there were human alterations that changed some of the meaning. No wonder we have splinter groups! We’re no better than Jonathan Swift’s Lilliputians who warred over which end of the egg should be opened.

I would like to say that within the mainline Protestant denominations and from them to all other faiths and non believers there is an amazing dialogue about what we share, how we differ, and how to respect the latter when it occurs. We have a poster in our office – a large organization supporting mainline, progressive social justice advocacy – that shows you are spot on: EVERY faith tradition has the rule of ‘do unto others…’. That is the absolute core of each faith.

Now – the problem is living UP to that common value!

The only time I reject others’ views is when that is not present or has been reserved for “members only” of any specific religion or faith tradition. Fundamentalism is the “sheep v goats” litmus testing of rules adhered to that separate us one from the other. Holistic faith is inclusive. As people we may not be, but that IS its goal. Anything that is rigidly separatist is not faith but a club. It does not meet its own test of “do unto others.”

Your quest is shared by hundreds of millions, and it is breaking barriers, tearing down walls, ending ancient enmities. Some day we will look back on this historic period as one of powerful re-formation equal to the Great Schism, the Protestant Reformation, all large changes in who we are, what we believe. I hope it will move your direction and mine. That is rather up to us. But move it will. It always does.

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SueInCa
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Hi FJB you sound like me although I do believe there is a higher power and I guess I could call him God, I know he is not the same person portrayed in the story book that man has interpreted over and over. Like you, I had questions from an early age and I never accepted all the trappings of Christianity. If I am a good person and treat others the way I want to be treated, then I know I am doing the right thing. I was watching a show that I watch pretty regularly and one guy said:

“God did not even speak directly to the mother of his son and these people want us to believe he talks to them?”

That one short sentence pretty much says what I have always felt but did not know how to explain.

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kesmarn
Admin

My Lord, it’s good to see you.

What is it with these GOPTP guys? They seem to be obsessed with turning Jews into Christians. And turning gay folks into straight people. Can’t they just settle for your Son’s trick of turning water into wine? Isn’t that magical enough for them?

Small question. Off topic, but I’m curious. If your Son travels Spirit airlines, I’m guessing His mom would be booking with Virgin?

May I take a moment to congratulate you on your boy Frank. You really did a great job on that fella. The world knows him as Pope Francis, but I hear your Son refers to him as “Bro.”

Frank just got the highest praise any genuine Christian can ever receive in the 21st century. Sarah Palin said he had a “liberal agenda.” She really doesn’t like him — nor does her pal Beelzebub Mephistopheles.

It doesn’t get any better than that when it comes to establishing your Christian cred.

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funksands
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Dear God, thanks so much for your words of infallibility. Why do so many people yearn for the Big Apocalada? Is it just too much effort to be nice? Too hard to avoid temptation? Too easy to vote for people like Sarah Palin? Is it so exhausting that rapture sounds like a relief? Is it so much effort for people to rise to your son’s standards that they compromise by lowering the standards? I wonder about these things sometime.

By the way any reason why your son spends so much time helping football players score touchdowns? It seems a little odd.

Respectfully yours,

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Kalima
Admin

Hi God, long time no see.

Nicely put God and you can only get into Heaven if you “repent”. Some bright spark unfortunately misspelled it as “resent”, and now the Republicans have this weird idea that there is no limit to how many times you can commit the same sin, but as they are about everything else, they are wrong. God keeps lists stuck to his fridge and all those who harm others during their time on earth will have to answer to him on Judgement Day. The big surprise waiting for them is that their reservations are not for a place in Heaven, that will be fully booked by those who suffered. Their reservations are for an eternal chain gang in Hell.

They really should learn how to read and stop with the proof reading and editing of your book. Happy Rapture everyone, we tried to warn you.

As for George Brush, did he get payed for that gig, and hasn’t he done enough damage?

Subway Samitches eh? I think that I had one here once, nobody stamped my card, and there was so much of it, I could have eaten for a week or gone into the desert to hand out a few pieces too.

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