Alabama residents may have to reset their pocket watches and grandfather clocks if Roy Moore wins the Senate election tomorrow in their state. Republicans in the state legislature have announced that they will celebrate his victory by proposing a bill that would create a new time zone in the Alabama counties that vote heavily for Moore.
The entire state currently follows Central Standard Time (CST), this new selective time zone for parts of the state would be CST minus 200 years and would be called Central Yesteryear Standard Time (CYST). This will mean that when it is 8:00 pm CST in the rest of the state, it will be 1817 in the most conservative parts of the state.
Alabama’s Speaker of the House, Mac McCutcheon, praised this legislation as being in tune with his constituents. “It’s just accepting the reality of where our core voters are. 200 years ago, a man was a man and he was white, heterosexual and could marry whoever he picked out from the little red schoolhouse. Today folks may brag about all the great things of the modern age, computers, health care, whatever but there’s something much more comforting about a time when you were free to own anything or anyone you wanted,” McCutcheon beamed while polishing his Confederate flag pin.
McCutcheon explained that this bill would not only revise the time and date for the affected counties, it would also enforce legal requirements on behavior, speech, clothing and appearance to fit the new time zone.
“We are fundamentalists so our law will be true to the times of the 1800’s, cars and cell phones are prohibited, measles and polio will be spread around a bit, elected officials must be racists or pedophiles or both, and non-whites will receive an exclusive 2/5ths discount on citizenship. For some folks, it may be like pulling teeth, which we will actually have to do so residents resemble the way dental care was in the 1800’s,” McCutcheon said bitingly.
Many Roy Moore supporters are anxiously looking forward to his election and officially turning back the clock 200 years. Town celebrations are planned where residents will pour lead and coal sludge into their drinking water, contaminate their fresh food with trichinosis and botulism and take their young children out of school so they can do menial labor and marry.
McCutcheon nodded, “You know, Make Alabama Great Again!”