Donald Trump Accidentally Beats Himself Up At Rally

In a startling display of irrational hostility, Donald Trump accidentally beat himself up in front of a raucous crowd during a rally in Phoenix, Arizona today.

While most of his speech was a repetition of familiar statements about his strong poll numbers, building a wall and making Mexico pay for it and claiming China, Japan and all other U.S. trading partners were “killing us”, he started espousing conflicting views on the occurrence of violence at his rallies.

Trump began addressing the mounting violence at his rallies by claiming that there was none and his supporters were peaceful. “We have a great time at my rallies, don’t we?! The people who come to my rallies are good people, believe me, great people who are as peaceful as they are uneducated,” Trump insisted to loud and oblivious applause. “It’s the protesters who come here looking for violence, not us.”

Trump then turned on himself, “Come on, we’ve had enough of political correctness! What I miss is the old days, when you could just punch a protester in the face if you didn’t like what he said. We need more people put in comas by politics, not less!”

Trump then shook his head at himself. “Now you’re lying, I’ve never said that, I’ve never promoted violence at my rallies, there is no violence at a Trump rally, believe me.”

His disagreement with himself became more heated and escalated into his roughly pushing himself around the stage before sucker punching himself. After knocking himself to the floor,  Trump yelled at himself, “You’re  horrible! Really horrible! You’re the biggest liar I have ever seen and I’ve seen plenty!”

The packed crowd looked on silently in bewilderment as Trump continued berating and slapping himself. Then, like a domino effect, it spread among the Trump supporters in the audience who began mimicking his behavior and enthusiastically beating themselves up and hurling vicious and bigoted insults at themselves while protesting that they were non-violent.

Secret Service officers eventually snapped out of their disbelief and wrestled with each other as some of them tried to restrain Trump from beating himself up while the others tried to hustle him out of the arena.

Hours after the chaotic rally ended and the crowd finally dispersed, Trump tweeted on his Twitter account, “Great rally today in Phoenix! Confident now, no one can beat me…except me!”