After witnessing the Ferguson Police Force’s enthusiasm for militarized action, President Obama has ordered the Pentagon to transport the entire department to Iraq to fight in the campaign against ISIS militants.
Colonel Thomas Jackson, the chief of the Ferguson Police force expressed surprise at being suddenly recruited and flown to Iraq. “This came out of the clear blue for all of us. Sure, during the protests in Ferguson we used severe military tactics, we wore military fatigues, we aimed military rifles at unarmed civilians and employed armored military vehicles against them…I just don’t understand though why The President would see us as a military force.”
Upon arriving in Iraq (with many of the officers needing a change of underwear and many facial tissues), members of the Ferguson Police Department shared their concerns with reporters.
“These ISIS guys, they won’t be armed, right? I mean, we’re seasoned Ferguson cops, we’re used to dealing harshly with groups of unarmed enemies, we’re great at that. I just want to make sure we’re able to use our strengths here,” commented Officer Richard Head.
Officer Benjamin Dover who drove the M-RAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Proof) armored military vehicle in Ferguson and will be driving it in Iraq expressed dismay. “You mean I’m going to have to drive this in the middle of a war? What if I run over an IED or something? We need to be prepared for that! This is crazy!”
What was kept from the knowledge of reporters initially was that Officer Darren Wilson, the officer involved in the Michael Brown shooting, was back on duty and had joined them in Iraq.
In his first conversation with the press since the shooting, Wilson refused to discuss that topic but did share his thoughts about the deployment.
“I’ve seen footage of what’s been going on here in Iraq since ISIS invaded and I’m glad we’re here. I’ve seen a lot of video of these bad guys marching through towns right down the middle of street even though there’s plenty of room on the sidewalks, they have to be stopped,” Wilson stated.
When asked what the Ferguson Police’s strategy would be when it came to engaging ISIS, Wilson confidently explained, “It’s very simple and I don’t think it compromises us in anyway to say this publicly. We’ll shoot at them, they’ll run away, we’ll shoot more and when they turn around to surrender, we’ll have them right where we want them.”
The Ferguson Police will be treated as a troop under the command of General Lloyd J. Austin, Commander of CENTCOM who oversees U.S. military action in Iraq. General Austin was asked if he had any concerns about having a town’s police force transplanted into a war zone and responded, “My main concern about this, aside from having to put up with the non-stop crying and shivering in fear, is the policification of the military. I mean, if it infects our soldiers and they come to expect that the enemy will always be an unarmed group and run away when fired upon, we might as well just pack up and go back to the U.S. to become police.”