Coming on the heels of their insistence that The Earth is 5,000 years old, evolution is a lie straight from the pit of Hell and Climate Change is a myth, the latest Republican meme is that arithmetic is a hoax.
In disputing the latest, positive numbers on falling unemployment and Obamacare enrollment, Republican politicians and pundits insisted that the numbers, since they now no longer supported Republican arguments, had to be dishonest and manufactured.
Texas Senator and re-used grease salesman Ted Cruz was rumored to go as far as to say that math is a left wing invention that’s used to deceive the public.
I sat down with Senator Cruz to explore these allegations.
ADLIB: Senator Cruz, you said last week that you believed the numbers presented by the Obama Administration that proved unemployment had dropped to 6.3% were false. You’ve seen all the numbers behind this estimate, what leads you to conclude that this number isn’t accurate?
CRUZ: Anyone can add any numbers together and come up with whatever answer they want.
ADLIB: But that wouldn’t mean it’s correct.
CRUZ: That’s my point!
ADLIB: If I said 2 plus 2 equals 4, isn’t that the only correct answer?
CRUZ: I can list the names of a number of Republican economists who would disagree with you. The jury is still out on whether adding 2 and 2 equals 4 but that’s exactly what the liberal elitists want us to think, that there’s only one answer to a problem and it’s theirs.
ADLIB: So there is another answer to that problem?
CRUZ: Many patriotic Republicans who work hard and play by the rules but think 2 plus 2 equals 5 and they are attacked by people on the Left for their beliefs. Is this a free country or isn’t it?
ADLIB: So do you see belief as valid as counting when it comes to math?
CRUZ: Absolutely. This nation was founded on faith. We would be disrespecting the Founders and the 14 original colonies they brought together to start this country if we abandoned our faith in any situation.
ADLIB: You mean 13 colonies.
CRUZ: Don’t force your opinions on me.
ADLIB: Isn’t it provable though, that if you held 2 apples in one hand and 2 apples in the other, you would be holding 4 apples?
CRUZ: Not necessarily. Maybe I’m allergic to apples so I wouldn’t be holding them in the first place. Maybe one apple was really just a picture of an apple. Maybe I also was holding an apple in my mouth. Then I might be holding 3 apples or 5 apples. How do you like them apples?
ADLIB: If we don’t have common understandings about certain absolutes such as math and science, wouldn’t that cause serious problems for us as a functioning society?
CRUZ: Just as we don’t believe that the science is in on science and that math doesn’t add up correctly, many Republicans such as myself believe the definition of words like “functioning society” can’t be defined. To you, a “functioning society” might be something that helps people. But in our minds, if a society is functioning like an anti-colonial, pro-Muslim terrorists, non-birth-certificated tyranny, a functioning society would be the enemy of all Americans. We want to be the party of the non-functioning society and I think we’ve positioned ourselves that way.
ADLIB: Then what are your plans if you win the majorities in both houses of Congress and maybe even win the White House in 2016?
CRUZ: The first bill I would propose in that scenario is an Amendment to the Constitution that changes the 3rd Amendment and limits free speech so that it is illegal to call something a fact unless 100% of people agree that it is.
ADLIB: It’s the 1st Amendment that establishes Free Speech.
CRUZ: Is that a fact? Not once my Amendment passes!
ADLIB: So even though 97% of all scientists agree that we’re going through man made global climate change…
CRUZ: It’s not 100% so it’s not a fact.
ADLIB: So if there’s at least a fraction of a percent of people who don’t believe the Earth is round…
CRUZ: Then it’s not a fact.
ADLIB: But our society would fall apart if we could never agree on any facts.
CRUZ: I don’t agree, that’s not a fact. Think how empowered Americans will be when they can stand up and say whatever they believe and no one can say that something else is a fact! At spelling bees, everyone will be a winner! All companies can declare profits each quarter! Republicans and Fox News will look honest! It will be an American Renaissance!
ADLIB: How would teachers be able to teach children if anything they say could be treated as not being a fact?
CRUZ: Not true. In fact, this is a real job creator! Anyone will be able to take a job as a teacher! You don’t have to pass tests, you don’t have to know what history books say or worry that you don’t know the periodic table. If you want to teach, all you need is a pulse and a mouth!
ADLIB: It seems self-apparent that such an environment would lead to children being poorly educated and less able to function in the real world when they grow up. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this.
CRUZ: I don’t agree.