Once upon a time in New Jersey…hmm…I can’t think of a single fairy tale that begins that way but if it did it would probably be a Grimm’s Fairy Tale with an ogre getting indicted at the end.
As Governor-for-the-time-being Chris Christie of New Jersey has been treating the outraged public like they are children who can be lulled to sleep with the fantasies he weaves about Bridgegate , it seems appropriate to return the favor and offer to Gov. Christie, a very special collection of nursery rhymes about him and intended to help put his political future fast asleep.
A big hat tip to NoManIsAnIsland for originating this concept with an inspired comment on another Christie thread. We now submit for your reading pleasure, The PlanetPOV Collection of Chris Christie Fairy Tales.
The PlanetPOV Collection of Chris Christie Nursery Rhymes
Humpty Christie by NoManIsAnIsland
Humpty Christie was having a ball,
But Humpty Christie may be in for a fall.
All the GOP’s forces and all the GOP’s henchmen
Won’t be able to put Humpty Christie together again!
Jacked and Shilled by Adlib
Chris Christie went up the hill
To find a path to White House
Chris fell down and broke his crown
And Feds came tumbling after.
Little Chris-Peep by Kalima
Not so little Chris-Peep has lost much sleep,
And doesn’t know who to bribe to find it;
Now alone, he soon won’t have a home,
As he’ll be dragging his scandals behind him.
Hush a Bye Christie by NoManIsAnIsland
Hush a bye Christie, on the tree top.
When the facts flow, his cred will rock;
When the case blows, his cred will fall,
And down will come Christie — all of Him,
all!
Hickory Dickory Shock by pinkpantheroz
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Christie has run out his clock
Like bullies galore
He’s no more than a whore
And he’s in for a terrible Shock!
Chris Spratt by NoManIsAnIsland
Chris Spratt ate way too much fat,
His wife, too, abhorred the lean.
And so betwixt the ONE of them,
He vented too much spleen!
Christie Had a Little Scam by Adlib
Christie had a little scam
Little scam
Little scam
Christie had a little scam
His sleaze was wide and low
Oh, What Have You Done by pinkpantheroz
Oh, what have you done, Dear Ol’ Chris,
You’ve given New Jersey the piss,
The Gopers can’t figure
Whose ego is bigger
And you say, ‘My Ass you can kiss”!
Christie Porgie by NoManIsAnIsland
Christie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Obstructed a bridge making Ft. Lee cry.
When all hell broke lose and people yelled “Nay,”
Christie Porgie turned tail and ran away!
Chris Be Nimble by Adlib
Chris, be nimble,
Chris, be quick,
Chris, jump over
The Bridgegate stick.
Chris jumped slow
Chris jumped fast
Chris fell down
and broke his ass.
Baa Baa Gov. Black Sheep by NoManIsAnIsland
Baa baa Gov. Christie, have you any bullion?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
One for the judge, one for the jury,
And one for the populace, all screaming in fury!
There was a Very Crooked Man – by Adlib
There was a crooked man, and he blocked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked fallguy within a crooked pile;
He bought a crooked guise which hid a crooked louse,
And he lied like a carpet in his little crooked house.
The Chris and the Fiddle by NoManIsAnIsland
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
Chris Christie jumped over the moon.
That’s all there is –
No one could believe he did it!
Your turn! Please feel free to add your own in comments below!
A lesson, unparodied, Chris Christie never learned:
THE CLOCK
There’s a neat little clock,
In the schoolroom it stands,
And it points to the time
With its two little hands.
And may we, like the clock,
Keep a face clean and bright,
With hands ever ready
To do what is right.
AWAY, CHRISTIE, AWAY
Away, Christie, away!
Take a lot and leave very little,
And do not come again;
For if you do,
It will be your rue,
And there will be an end of you!
All of you familiar with a certain Gilbert and Sullivan song, please warble along with me on this!
Christie’s the very model of a corrupt politician,
Who bullies lesser minions till they acceed to his derisions,
He’s as subtle in his actions as an old Panzer Division,
And he’ll screw you till your eyes pop out
To go with his decisions.
He’ll hold back funds, blockade good runs,
And other things contemptible
But justice now is on the way,
In Orange quite presentable.
New Jersey is aquiver with the chance he’ll be indicted
And it couldn’t happen better to this cretin unrequited.
BRAVA, PPO!!!!
Great one PPO.
A triumph, PPO! Loved it!!!!
Here’s another version of Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Trickery, Slickery, Mocked
The bridge four days was blocked
The Gov was caught
His scheme for naught
Trickery, Slickery, Mocked.
Grand, KT! Brilliant!
Here’s a familiar one…at least it used to be:
All around the Washington bridge,
The lawyers chased the weasel.
The public gasped at all Chris had done.
Pop! Goes the weasel!
Yes, I know I don’t have enough to do! But:
Ding, dong, bell,
Christie’s goin’ to hell.
Who’ll put him there?
Peeps no longer Scared.
Who might get him out out?
No one now, No Clout!.
What a naughty boy was he,
To try to bully New Jersey,
Who got sucked in by all his charm,
But now can’t stand his blubbery smarm!.
Crash hot, PPO — and fair dinkum, too!
Whoa, excellent, PPO! Here’s another…
Old Gov’ner Christie went to the Port’s board,
To throw his pal Dave a bone.
But when he got there, his ethics were bare;
And so the poor Dave had none.
OK, I’ll give this a shot.
BIGGEST GOV CHRISTIE
Biggest Gov Christie
Sat on a secret,
Hiding his words and prayed.
Along came a scandal
That sat down beside him
And slightened Gov Christies’s sway.
A big Thumbs Up for that one, KT!
Nice one KT!
Spot on, KT, and full disclosure: I wanted to do “Little
Miss Muffet,” too, but couldn’t pull it off!
Heh! Well done, KT! Here’s one back to you:
I’m a little despot short and stout,
Here is my blackmail, here is my clout.
When I get all steamed up hear me shout,
Tip me over and perp-walk me out.
Huzzah! All sterling entries and contributions to the wild world of political satire! Although these are words, Thomas Nast would be SO proud.
Coming as I do from a city that honed corruption to its finest – Buffalo, NY – without actually attracting much notice (it IS Buffalo) these bits of political doggerel are right up there with those about our Native Son Grover Cleveland who apparently spawned a child out of wedlock while he was IN wedlock with someone else. The chant that often greeted him was
“Ma! Ma! Where’s my Pa?
“Went to the White House, hah, hah, hah!”
I think we have been long overdue for such bits of folk humor, and kudos to all who contributed. You are keeping a fine and (ig)noble populist tradition alive! Thank you!
Thanks so much for all the kind words, CL!
I remember reading about that campaign against Grover, he’s just lucky there wasn’t a Fox Newspaper back then!
Will Rogers proved your point in spades, his humor even stands up today, just taking the simple and whimsical approach to political humor can be what works best.
Very proud to be included in this august gathering, Adlib. Well, there may not be a ‘once upon a time in New Jersey’ fable, but let’s give it a go:
There was a fat guy from NJ
Whose girth caused a big bridge to sway
He jammed it up tight
And try as they might,
They just couldn’t tow him away
Well done, PPO!!!
Wickedly wonderful, ppo. 😆
ppo, great fun to be trading Christie Rhymes with you!
Ah, limerick time?
There once was a scandal Chris ducked
He spun and he jived and he shucked
But despite all he tried
We all know he lied
And now he is royally fucked.
You win, AdLib! Multiple Thumbs up!
I’m honoured, Mr. AdLib. 😳
As Sophocles says:
“A lie never lives to be old”.
Well done NoMan!!
Kalima, so pleased to share your witty work!
Christie will indeed be singing a different tune very soon, maybe as part of a prison choir for that matter.
With his skin tone, orange will be a “fashion police” disaster. They should bring back the striped ones, then he can pretend he’s a zebra crossing instead of looking like a gigantic M&M’s.
OMG – just occurred to me that if Boehner ever got sent to prison, he’d disappear. Orange on orange! Wow.
He could wear a sign on his chest saying “The Unbearable Lightness of Being Orange and Dumb”.
Perfect sign for a perfect twit.
Kalima, he better just hope that they don’t use gray jumpsuits or he might be harpooned…in every way that can be interpreted!
O-M-G….THANK YOU, AdLib AND Kalima!
To say I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement; and for once I’m rendered rhymeless!
I can’t wait to see to see the rhymes your clever posters will add to our collection. If you receive enough of them, perhaps you can publish them; and with the money raised…
After Humpty-Christie’s indicted,
We can make his bail —
We should do so without fail!
😉
NoMan, thanks back to you for a brilliant idea!
As for a parting rhyme…
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Chris Christie’s en route
To a cell at Club Fed
Cheers!
AdLib, you’re very welcome, and you
would have no idea how much I
appreciate your running with my idea
had I not just told you!
Your additional rhymes — and the
limerick — are as inspired as were your
initial ones; and “There was a Very
Crooked Man” with its howler of a closer,
“And he lied like a carpet in his little crooked house”, is pure gold!
I know all good things must come to an
end, but is this thread running its course
already? It seems it’s just picking up
steam now, but your words “as for a
parting rhyme…” have an ominous ring to
them.
Just in case that’s so, I’d better submit
my own parting, or at least penultimate
parting rhyme:
Ginormous Chris Christie hid in the corner,
Eating a most humble pie:
He put in his thumb, but fell on his bum.
And said, “What a big jerk am I!”
Cheers to you, too, and it’s not ballyhoo!
NoMan, not at all, that was just my parting comment before popping off for a bit. The thread is alive and well! BTW, liked your newest rhyme above, I was eyeing the same one to parody, good choice!
That’s good to hear —
I’m brimming with good cheer!
And I’m glad you like my
newest rhyme.
You know, you compliment me each time! 🙂