Christie Pres

Right now there may be storms of allegations swirling around New Jersey governor and ex-Jabba The Hutt impersonator Chris Christie but the American public has proven again and again that it likes to give second chances to those who may have done the wrong thing…or at least prove that they have the long term memory of a hamster.

So, as much of a pounding that Christie is taking in the polls (and anyone who’s taken a pounding in their poll knows how painful that can be), it’s far too early to count him out as a contender for the Republican nomination for the Presidency in 2016…in fact, since it is the GOP nomination we’re talking about, it’s too early to count out any Bigfoot Truthers, circus sideshow performers, or Nazi reenactment enthusiasts.

If he did become President, after declaring that his first act in office would be ordering the National Guard to install defrosters in Hell (and insisting that Hell freezing over wasn’t caused by human activity), who would he nominate to be in his cabinet?

Thanks to PlanetPOV’s hard earned relationships with informers in organized crime, we have a direct pipeline into the Christie inner circle and have received a copy of his list of top picks for cabinet positions if he was to be elected or extorted into the White House.

MY FIRST CHOICE FOR WHITE HOUSE CABINET POSITIONS

BY

CHRIS CHRISTIE

  • Chief of Staff: Bob McDonnell
  • Secretary of State: Edward Snowden
  • Attorney General: Whitey Bulger
  • Secretary of the Treasury: Bernie Madoff
  • Secretary of Defense: George Zimmerman
  • Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dick Cheney
  • Secretary of the Interior: Freedom Industries President Gary Southern
  • Secretary of Transportation: David Wildstein
  • Secretary  of Education: Sarah Palin
  • Secretary of Homeland Security: Vinnie No-Nose

We hope to get our hands on his top picks for the Supreme Court soon but we have heard that Miley Cyrus is at the top of his list.

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NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Baa baa Gov. Christie, have you any bullion?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
One for the judge, one for the jury,
And one for the populace, all screaming in fury!

See, AdLib, what did I tell you!

funksands
Member

NoMan, you have a talent for this! Use it wisely… 😉

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Thank you very much, funksands. I try to. 🙂

pinkpantheroz
Member

Crash Hot NoMan!

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Thanks heaps, PPO — keep it up and I’ll be grinning like a shot fox! 😉

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Good morning, AdLib,
I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can stop myself!

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
Chris Christie jumped over the moon.
That’s all there is —
No one could believe he did it!

funksands
Member

Drug Czar – Trey Radel
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Paul Bremer
FAA Head – Larry Craig

pinkpantheroz
Member

Here’s my one for the road:

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Christie has run out his clock
Like bullies galore
He’s no more than a whore
And he’s in for a terrible Shock!

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Hi, pinkpantheroz,

Very, VERY well done! 🙂

Kalima
Admin

One for the road.

Not so little Chris-Peep has lost much sleep,

And doesn’t know who to bribe to find it;

Now alone, he soon won’t have a home,

As he’ll be dragging his scandals behind him.

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Spot on, Kalima,

Good to hear from you!

Kalima
Admin

Hi No Man. Good to see you here too. 🙂

pinkpantheroz
Member

Right on, Kalima! 😆

Fergie1
Member
Fergie1

😆

Fergie1
Member
Fergie1

Secretary of Science and Technology: Michelle Bachmann

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” -Rep. Michelle Bachmann

Or Secretary for Job Creation:
“If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” -Michele Bachmann,

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Great pick, Fergie — and Michele Bachmann would be a perfect choice! 😉

pinkpantheroz
Member

Great, Fergie1! How about:

Department for Praying the Gay Away: Marcus and Michelle Bachmann, Joint Secretaries.

pinkpantheroz
Member

A Tour de Force, AdLib! Nirek and KT – awesome! I’ll now have to dig deep to probably vainly match any of it.

Oh, what have you done, Dear Ol’ Chris,
You’ve given New Jersey the piss,
The Gopers can’t figure
Whose ego is bigger
And you say, ‘My Ass you can kiss”!

Kalima
Admin

Hilarious ppo. Can you hum us a few bars? 🙂

pinkpantheroz
Member

Certainly Kalima, you sing it to the tune of Dick Chaney’s No. 1 Country hit –
“Honey, I keep missing you, but my aim is getting better!”

Kalima
Admin

😆 Now I’ve got the giggles.

Kalima
Admin

Secretary of Education-Sarah Palin 😆 😆 😆

Let’s make up new positions/posts, they make everything up anyway. How about Ted Cruz as “Secretary of Protocol, Government Shutdowns, and Gaudy Paisley Dressing Gowns”?

Mitch McConnell as Minister of NO!, Turtleneck Sweaters, Pink Cheeks and Hemorrhoids.

pinkpantheroz
Member

Yes, Kalima, great idea. Lets see….. oh

Human Resources Division, Dept. of Matching Positions to the Most Inappropriate Applicants……… Sen John McCain.

pinkpantheroz
Member

Well, seeing as they’ve already bought it, why don’t we announce joint Secretaries of the Treasury – The Koch Brothers!

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

You’re welcome, AdLib, and thank you!

I like the idea of the whole new thread of Chris Christie’s Nursery Rhymes. You’ve certainly gotten it off to a good start, too. I don’t
know how many posters we can get to join us, but at the least it should be a boost to our still faltering economy as legions of entrants will empty bookstore shelves of nursery rhymes to alter and transmogrify their contents at Christie’s expense!

Don’t overanalyze this; but if you decide to start the new thread, I might be able to give the succeeding three verses more punch!:

Chris Spratt ate way too much fat,
His wife, too, abhorred the lean.
And so betwixt the ONE of them,
He vented too much spleen!

KillgoreTrout
Member

Great idea for a satirical piece Ad. Oh the possiblities for a Christie cabinet. 😉

Nirek
Member

Ad, “…or at least prove that they have the long term memory of a hamster.”
Which long term memory is longer a hamster or gold fish?

Sarah Palin as Education Sec. = TOO funny!

You should write for Stewart.

Carmen
Member
Carmen

Secretary of State Edward Snowden has a certain ring to it, but George Zimmerman as Secretary of Defense and Sarah Palin as Secretary of Education might just put him over the top in gopee circles.

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Hi, AdLib!

Very astute analysis, as one would expect from you. And your list
of possible Christie Cabinet appointees comes close to rivaling the
low-lifes and convicted felons of the Nixon and Reagan Cabinets!

Far be it for me to cast a pall on your predictions, but — if I may
say it in verse — Christie may not even be able to extort his way
into the presidency:

Humpty-Christie was having a ball,
But Humpty-Christie may be in for a fall.
All the GOP’s forces and all the GOP’s henchmen
Won’t be able to put Humpty-Christie together again!