When Mitt Romney joked today that, “No one ever asked to see my birth certificate,” many responded with displeasure when they should have just chuckled because the biggest secret about the Romney campaign is that it’s a big joke. Literally. As those close to him know, Mitt Romney is a brilliant comedian and satirist and he continues to be amused at how so many people still don’t “get” his act.

Inspired by Spinal Tap, The Office, Borat and Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mitt Romney is using the spotlight of the Presidential election to play the realistic-seeming role of a clueless wealthy goofball who’s always saying the wrong thing and humiliating himself. It’s just performance art on the biggest stage imaginable. Imagine a right wing version of Larry David running for President and you’ve got it. The Mitt Romney campaign is actually a comedy act being presented to an unappreciative audience.

How do I know this? Because, thanks to PlanetPOV’s investigative unit, we’ve obtained partial transcripts of their brainstorming sessions from yesterday which are offered below for your review:

TRANSCRIPT OF A MITT ROMNEY COMEDY WRITING SESSION

MATT RHODES (Romney Campaign Manager): Come on Mitt, take the pencils out of your nose, we’ve got to get serious about writing bits for today!

MITT ROMNEY: Doofussayswhat?

RHODES: What?

MITT: Heh! Gotcha!

RHODES: Mitt! Now, since you’ll be in Michigan tomorrow, I was thinking of a few absurd gags like maybe revisiting “The trees are just the right height” bit with a line like, “The people in Michigan are just the right width.” What do you think?

MITT: You know me, I hate to go back to the same well too many times…even though it’s just the right depth. Heh-heh! No, if we’re going to come up with a really good gag that makes my character come off even more as a total idiot, it’s got to be a bit bigger at this point. Remember the naked fight in Borat?

RHODES: That was edgy but if you go that far, we could blow our cover and people would realize this is just a spoof.

MITT: You’re probably right…too bad…imagine me and Chris Christie in a naked slap fight like that, it would be hilarious! We’d need a bigger room than they used though, Christie has an ass the size of a cement mixer.

RHODES: If we’re going to keep the Mormon thing going, we should steer clear of sex jokes but…you know what would work?

MITT: A race gag?

RHODES: You’re reading my mind!

MITT: I already have one! How about this, I visit a black-owned restaurant and order a side of “colored greens”? You see them fuming while I do my signature chuckle, totally clueless! That would just dominate the news cycle! It would be hilarious!

RHODES: We could go that way but we’ve already got you scheduled for a rally, why not use that instead?

MITT: Well…hmm…what gag could I do about race in the middle of my straight lines about “creating jobs” and “fixing the economy” without it coming off too forced?

RHODES: You could riff about people on welfare not having to work…maybe something like, “As President, I will only provide welfare to those who are working and don’t need it!”

MITT: Or…wait a minute…how about I hit the birther crap? Two comedy birds with one stone! Hey, is Trump available? We could do a “Who’s On First?” type comedy team bit on it!

RHODES: Sorry, Trump’s having his neck hair stretched today, you’ll have to do a single.

MITT: Damn…would have been classic! Okay…so how about this, I do a real dry windup, going on about how I was born in Michigan, went to school there, got married there, yadda-yadda, then I say, “No one ever asked to see my birth certificate!”, totally clueless, chuckling away! The media should pick up that ball and run with it all day!

RHODES: I think we have a winner!

MITT: Excellent! So Matt, how long do you think it will take for people to finally catch on that my running for President is just a joke?

RHODES: Maybe somewhere in the middle of your second term?

MITT: If it takes them that long, we’re all screwed! Heh-heh!

RHODES: Just think of the goldmine of gags though if you did become President!

MITT: No kidding! If we do get there, I’ll make them forget all about Bush. He was like the Carrot Top of Presidents, if I get the gig, I’d like to be the Gallagher of Presidents…in fact, at our next campaign stop…what if I offered watermelon to the crowd then pulled out a wooden mallet and smashed it, splattering all of them! That would go viral on YouTube!

RHODES: You sir, are a comic genius!

MITT: And you sir, are correct. Alright, let’s light this fuse and watch the fireworks!

Don’t miss the comic stylings of Mitt Romney which will be continuing on news shows and websites through the first week of November. After that, you can catch him at The Comedy Shelter in The Cayman Islands or The Laugh Vault in Switzerland.

15
Leave a Comment

Please Login to comment
4 Comment threads
11 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
5 Comment authors
KalimaAdLibNirekKillgoreTroutSueInCa Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Kalima
Admin

`Sorry, Trump’s having his neck hair stretched today, you’ll have to do a single`. Ok, that almost cost me a brand new computer. 😆

Personally I thought that no one running for POTUS could ever be this stupid; I was wrong. Most of the candidates were, but Mitt The Twit’s stupidity comes from living on another planet for most of his life, and coming down to earth just for this election with cotton wool where his brains should normally be. On his planet he searched for years for a brain, a heart and some courage to bring with him. Too bad he never found them.

America, you don’t deserve this embarrassment, or the realization that some are prepared to vote for the misfit just to topple a decent, caring and intelligent man, who may well turn out to be one of the best presidents your country has ever had. Some people really are too dumb to be allowed to vote. 😯

Oh before I forget, very clever piece AdLib, and I just loved the upside down phone. It seems so apropos for someone with so little of any interest to say.

Report this comment

SueInCa
Member

Kalima

the one thing they cannot abide? There is a black man in a white house. IMHO Obama is the bigger man, bigger than all of them. Despite their vitriol he has remained silent because I think he knows if he responds then he will be the angry black man in that white house. The bigger reason is he is a good honest decent man unlike many of them. This country deserves better than the current crop of republicans or should I say people who call themselves republican. I do not recognize many true republicans in the bunch.

Bill Maher put out a good piece on HP today. If you can stomach going there to read it,here it is.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/todd-akin-republicans_b_1826617.html

I especially like this part:

“Or as it’s known on Capitol Hill, supply-side economics. Remember that magic beans theory? That you actually bring in more revenue by bringing in less? Ronald Reagan believed it. But at least back in the ’80s it was new. The thing is, we tried it, and it doesn’t work. Yet, Paul Ryan, who every shit-for-brains pundit in America keeps telling us is a “serious” guy, still believes in the supply-side theory. All the Republicans do. They all believe in something that both science and history have shown to be pure fantasy. The symbol for their party shouldn’t be an elephant — it should be a unicorn.”

Report this comment

Kalima
Admin

Hi Sue, I’ve said since the 08′ primaries that it was because he is black, the white guys don’t like it no matter how much they deny it in public, or when confronted, and most of the Repugs in Congress privately feel the same. They would have done well in South Africa, but not in 2012 in America as I don’t believe for one second that the majority of Americans share their `apartheid` views. The Repugs dominate the media because they are outrageous, that and the fact that network bosses are nothing but GOP pimps, is what sells with people watching who think politics is a sport, a reality show, or those who are just too lazy to think past their next TV show.

Unfortunately, you can’t cure stupid, but I expect the Dems to really fight back much harder, not leave everything to the President and the WH. They have a job to do, so do it.

Thanks for the link, I’ll look later although I have no time for Maher, and even less for HP.

Report this comment

SueInCa
Member

Nor do I Kalima except for Republicans and Evangelicals then Maher and I think almost identical. But I despise HP even more than I do Maher.

Report this comment

Kalima
Admin

I can’t even bring myself to go there to read Bob Cesca, and that’s saying something, so I listen to his show, `The Bubble Genius Bob and Chez Show` on iTunes, I think you can download it for free from somewhere else too. HP hasn’t been in my bookmark menu for quite some time, and hell would have to freeze over before I ever set foot in that cesspool of lies and deceit ever again.

Report this comment

Nirek
Member

Mittens is a joke…

Report this comment

KillgoreTrout
Member

AdLib, you DO know that Romney and Joyce Kilmer once had a gay love affair? They adopted a poetic son, Ogden Nash, who penned the following;

I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.

Report this comment

SueInCa
Member

Adlib

When I started reading this I thought “WTH has Adlib changed teams?” But I knew I had to read further because no way would that happen. Mittnocchio is a joke. He is not fit to lick President Obama’s boots.

Have you ever seen a person who has been so persecuted and kept his cool? Been told he is UnAmerican, Born in Kenya, Is a Muslim, Doesn’t understand America…well you get the jist. I don’t know any other man who could take all of that and remained positive. But Obama has and that is the job of a Leader – to be above the fray.

Personally I think the right is trying to incite a race riot. But that is just me.

Report this comment