EXCLUSIVE: Mitt Romney’s Proposal to Serve the 99%…it’s a Cookbook!

Taking a page from the fable of Hansel and Gretel, PlanetPOV has exclusively learned that Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Presidency has been secretly designed to become as attractive as a gingerbread house would be to German children, to lure 99% of American voters into his camp and if he wins the Presidency, he intends to turn around and serve them up to the top 1% to be literally devoured.

It’s understandable that no candidate would choose to openly campaign on cannibalism, except perhaps Ron Paul, so this terrifying Romney agenda has been well hidden by his campaign until Ted Nugent’s accidental slip about it at the NRA convention:

TED NUGENT: “And after we chop their heads off, we’re gonna simmer them in a big fuckin’ pot and serve them family style to the top one percent!”

This part of Nugent’s rant was overlooked by most in the media but stuck in our craw, we devour stories about cannibalism around here. No one eats our members…no one…at least not without their permission!

As we launched our investigation, we discovered that a number of other comments and actions by Romney and his supporters betrayed their devious plot. There was Romney’s seemingly innocent gaffe this week in Cleveland:

ROMNEY: “I’m not anti-woman, I love women the women in Ohio, they’re just the right plumpness.”

And his speech to the Donner Party Re-Enactment Society which included:

“We’re hungry for change and I’m all for an extra helping of the poor.”

Our suspicions we’re unfortunately fully confirmed when at a co-hosted rally with Romney, Chris Christie confronted some Occupy Wall Street protesters and proceeded to shove two of them into his mouth. His curt excuse later for eating them was that it was actually their doing because they wanted to occupy his gastrointestinal system in protest. That may have been accepted by the mainstream media but for us it was too much to swallow.

Using our legendary influence and spreading money around with people inside the underground, secret society of cannibalism, we were allowed access into their horrible and disgusting world. We learned that the largest of American cannibal cults,  “Millionaires United Network for Compassion and Help” (MUNCH), began as a Goldman Sachs Friday night bar hopping ritual and just kind of got out of hand (as usual). Since its start up, many members of the Fortune 500 have joined and casual snacking on strangers led to illegal immigrant buffets then eventually to extravagant multi-course gourmet events featuring a variety of dishes from exotic to simple comfort food such as “Fettuccine Alfred”, “Franks and Bens”, “Veal Oscar”, “Crepes Suzette”, “and one dish that sounded very suspicious, “Coq Au Vin”.

MUNCH comprises a powerful network of some of the most wealthy and powerful people in the world…including Mitt Romney. In order to gain membership in this very exclusive club, a series of challenges must be passed over a long period of time, to establish the incredible trust that is required to protect the secrecy of the group and the reputations of its members.

The first challenge given to Romney was to prove that he is beyond caring for the lives of others. To accomplish this, Romney contrived a family outing where he insisted on bringing their beloved family dog but, claiming there was no room in the car for him, tied him to the roof and subjected him to unrelenting winds of 60 mph and more. The first challenge was passed.

Next, Romney needed to prove that he was not beholden to any principles since they could cause him to betray MUNCHers. This was a test Romney was born to pass. He first took adamant political positions that he later changed to completely opposite adamant positions, lying freely along the way with no conscience to hold him back. The second challenge was easily passed.

Lastly, Romney had to prove that he was absolutely and exclusively “one of them”. Many have attacked Romney’s campaign for his seeming to prove that he is out of touch with most of America but what he was slyly doing was proving to MUNCHers that he had absolutely no connection to people who were part of the 99% and was indeed without exception, one of them.

Word is that Romney was accepted into MUNCH in a ceremony on the morning after he won the Wisconsin primary (featuring their traditional initiation breakfast of Eggs Benedict).

This debauched and gluttonous group of the wealthy and powerful now have their own candidate running to become President and if he wins, he is sworn to institute their evil epicurean edict.

Those in MUNCH have apparently used stereotypes and unfortunately, their experience devouring Americans to classify the hunting, character and flavor of each type of person. They claim that white rural Americans are easily hunted “like shooting fish in a barrel”, that they are dense and taste like chickens.

MUNCHers say that to target whites in cities you have to spend a lot of time and money on lures and traps, they are well seasoned and can have a sharp taste. As for women, they say that the best way to capture them is to block their way, especially to their rights,  they claim that women are much tougher than they appear and that they have far better taste than men.

To avoid offending those who are African American, Latino, Asian, Middle-Eastern, etc., we won’t repeat the racist views of MUNCH about people of races other than theirs but suffice it to say that twice a year they create a replica of a mall’s food court and call it, “Flavors From Around the World”.

We know this is as nauseating as it is frightening. We were going to put a warning at the top of this article to caution readers from continuing because there was explicit material that could be found highly offensive but that would’ve hurt our “time that users spent on site” stats.

Armed with the knowledge that Mitt Romney is the leader of an insidious cannibal movement which intends to consume 99% of Americans if he wins, we hope that people will become less inclined to sit on their couches, fattening themselves up for MUNCH’s 2012 holiday meals and will be more inclined to be active, energized and vocal about the necessity to re-elect President Obama.

We also highly recommend avoiding the impulse to roll around in piles of tenderizer or breadcrumbs.

That’s all for now. Chow!