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AdLib On April - 20 - 2012

Taking a page from the fable of Hansel and Gretel, PlanetPOV has exclusively learned that Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Presidency has been secretly designed to become as attractive as a gingerbread house would be to German children, to lure 99% of American voters into his camp and if he wins the Presidency, he intends to turn around and serve them up to the top 1% to be literally devoured.

It’s understandable that no candidate would choose to openly campaign on cannibalism, except perhaps Ron Paul, so this terrifying Romney agenda has been well hidden by his campaign until Ted Nugent’s accidental slip about it at the NRA convention:

TED NUGENT: “And after we chop their heads off, we’re gonna simmer them in a big fuckin’ pot and serve them family style to the top one percent!”

This part of Nugent’s rant was overlooked by most in the media but stuck in our craw, we devour stories about cannibalism around here. No one eats our members…no one…at least not without their permission!

As we launched our investigation, we discovered that a number of other comments and actions by Romney and his supporters betrayed their devious plot. There was Romney’s seemingly innocent gaffe this week in Cleveland:

ROMNEY: “I’m not anti-woman, I love women the women in Ohio, they’re just the right plumpness.”

And his speech to the Donner Party Re-Enactment Society which included:

“We’re hungry for change and I’m all for an extra helping of the poor.”

Our suspicions we’re unfortunately fully confirmed when at a co-hosted rally with Romney, Chris Christie confronted some Occupy Wall Street protesters and proceeded to shove two of them into his mouth. His curt excuse later for eating them was that it was actually their doing because they wanted to occupy his gastrointestinal system in protest. That may have been accepted by the mainstream media but for us it was too much to swallow.

Using our legendary influence and spreading money around with people inside the underground, secret society of cannibalism, we were allowed access into their horrible and disgusting world. We learned that the largest of American cannibal cults,  “Millionaires United Network for Compassion and Help” (MUNCH), began as a Goldman Sachs Friday night bar hopping ritual and just kind of got out of hand (as usual). Since its start up, many members of the Fortune 500 have joined and casual snacking on strangers led to illegal immigrant buffets then eventually to extravagant multi-course gourmet events featuring a variety of dishes from exotic to simple comfort food such as “Fettuccine Alfred”, “Franks and Bens”, “Veal Oscar”, “Crepes Suzette”, “and one dish that sounded very suspicious, “Coq Au Vin”.

MUNCH comprises a powerful network of some of the most wealthy and powerful people in the world…including Mitt Romney. In order to gain membership in this very exclusive club, a series of challenges must be passed over a long period of time, to establish the incredible trust that is required to protect the secrecy of the group and the reputations of its members.

The first challenge given to Romney was to prove that he is beyond caring for the lives of others. To accomplish this, Romney contrived a family outing where he insisted on bringing their beloved family dog but, claiming there was no room in the car for him, tied him to the roof and subjected him to unrelenting winds of 60 mph and more. The first challenge was passed.

Next, Romney needed to prove that he was not beholden to any principles since they could cause him to betray MUNCHers. This was a test Romney was born to pass. He first took adamant political positions that he later changed to completely opposite adamant positions, lying freely along the way with no conscience to hold him back. The second challenge was easily passed.

Lastly, Romney had to prove that he was absolutely and exclusively “one of them”. Many have attacked Romney’s campaign for his seeming to prove that he is out of touch with most of America but what he was slyly doing was proving to MUNCHers that he had absolutely no connection to people who were part of the 99% and was indeed without exception, one of them.

Word is that Romney was accepted into MUNCH in a ceremony on the morning after he won the Wisconsin primary (featuring their traditional initiation breakfast of Eggs Benedict).

This debauched and gluttonous group of the wealthy and powerful now have their own candidate running to become President and if he wins, he is sworn to institute their evil epicurean edict.

Those in MUNCH have apparently used stereotypes and unfortunately, their experience devouring Americans to classify the hunting, character and flavor of each type of person. They claim that white rural Americans are easily hunted “like shooting fish in a barrel”, that they are dense and taste like chickens.

MUNCHers say that to target whites in cities you have to spend a lot of time and money on lures and traps, they are well seasoned and can have a sharp taste. As for women, they say that the best way to capture them is to block their way, especially to their rights,  they claim that women are much tougher than they appear and that they have far better taste than men.

To avoid offending those who are African American, Latino, Asian, Middle-Eastern, etc., we won’t repeat the racist views of MUNCH about people of races other than theirs but suffice it to say that twice a year they create a replica of a mall’s food court and call it, “Flavors From Around the World”.

We know this is as nauseating as it is frightening. We were going to put a warning at the top of this article to caution readers from continuing because there was explicit material that could be found highly offensive but that would’ve hurt our “time that users spent on site” stats.

Armed with the knowledge that Mitt Romney is the leader of an insidious cannibal movement which intends to consume 99% of Americans if he wins, we hope that people will become less inclined to sit on their couches, fattening themselves up for MUNCH’s 2012 holiday meals and will be more inclined to be active, energized and vocal about the necessity to re-elect President Obama.

We also highly recommend avoiding the impulse to roll around in piles of tenderizer or breadcrumbs.

That’s all for now. Chow!

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

28 Responses so far.

Click here to leave a comment
  1. SueInCa says:

    Great satire Murph but I am getting ready to post a new piece and when you read it you will find your are not far from the truth. But this cabal wants to eat the rest of the world as well.

  2. I knew Fat Bastard was a republican!

  3. SallyT says:

    Oh gosh AdLib this reminded me of one of my favorite Little Rascals movies,
    Yum Yum EEEAAAAT Em Up! Uncle George the Cannibal chasing them and saying, “Yum yum eeeaaaat em up! Yum yum eeeaaaat em up!” 🙂


  4. foodchain says:

    Murph, terrific!! Dammit but I have to start cooking dinner so I can’t stay but this is great. First quick thoughts:

    So is this the new Cate Blanche or Diner’s Club?

    And Mitt is the dishwasher who they hope excels at the “wash and spin” cycle getting all those dirty plates clean again!


  5. Kalima says:

    How about if we arrange an “All You Can Eat” buffet and turn the tables so to speak?

    The menu could include:

    “Mobster Thermimitt”

    “Koch’s au vin”

    “Crispy Fried Gingrich Tips”

    “Christie Kremes”

    “Crock-Crackpot Palin Stew”

    “Santorum’s hot cross buns”

    “Paul Strugglenuff”

    The list is endless, your turn.

    Great article AdLib, and so true.

    • AlphaBitch says:

      Shame on you, Kalima! I spewed coke of cola out my nose at Christie Kremes -- the man has obviously had a few too many. As to the Crispy Fried Gingrich Tips -- tips of WHAT, might I ask? Now let me work on some….

      • Kalima says:

        😆 AB, sorry! 😳

        Crispy Fried Gingrich Tips? Well I figured he’s the kind of mean spirited punk who never tips when he dines out, then again, it should have been “Tits” for a better effect, he has loads of man-boobs to go around. Or “tips” on how not to run for POTUS?

        I’ll be back to look at yours later, have to move to a more comfy position now. Thanks for the musik btw, I’ll write later

        • AlphaBitch says:

          Not to mention a personal fave; the Allen Western Omelette!

        • AlphaBitch says:

          OK, when you return, this is all I gots:

          For Christie -- Jumboliar, a Cajun dish

          For McConnell -- Kentucky Fried McTurtle

          For Michelle -- Filet Bachmann

          and one I have used many times -- John Corndog for dear old John Cornyn. Christie Kremes -- still laughing…..

    • foodchain says:

      Kalima, Inspirational. Cut, copy and save!

  6. choicelady says:

    AdLib -- you can carry satire throughout a post better than anyone! What’s fascinating about your essay is, beyond the disgusting (NOT alleviated by KT’s photo!), is that it really does make sense!

    Labor is the entree, and we all serve various culinary needs of the idle rich.

    Oh that even ONE of the GOP would follow the old Flanders and Swann song, “The Reluctant Cannibal” about a young man who disdained his heritage saying “Eating people is wrong!” But these folks will never see the light. We are not people at all -- we’re merely lunch.

    • AdLib says:

      CL, thanks so much! 😳

      The more you think about it, the ultimate role of the wealthy is as the most prolific consumers and greed makes them insatiable…so they covet and devour everything they can…including the lives, wealth and futures of the majority of Americans. So I do think cannibalism is indeed what they represent.

      We need to turn the tables and as the old saying goes, “Eat the Rich”.

      Or at least carve up their fat wallets a bit.

      • foodchain says:

        Ad, we’ve long been their fodder; this just elevates the 99% to gourmet treats. Now, if they would just sit still long enough to be frogs in a pot--Mmmmmmmm

  7. MurphTheSurf3 says:

    Hats off to

    Twilight Zone “Don’t go! ‘To Serve Man’- it’s a cookbook.”

    Soylent Green IS people…..aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

    and Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”


    So, the GOP are monstrous aliens, willing to grind up the everyday person into the food they deserve and sell what they don’t need for their tables?


    YEAH….makes sense.

  8. AlphaBitch says:

    You made me throw up my lunch Steak Diane Feinstein!!

  9. Jenuwin says:

    Making me hungry for democracy…very funny!

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