ADONAI: Congressman Boehner, I’m so happy you decided to agree to this interview! I have so many questions I want to ask you.
Congressman Boehner: Wha ….. where am I? Who…. Oh no! No, no, no!
ADONAI: So, where to begin. Do you mind if we go back to the 2008 elections for a moment?
Congressman Boehner: HELP!!!! HELP!!!! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!!!! I’M A U.S. CONGRESSMAN! I THINK I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!!! PLEASE!!!! HELP!!!!!
ADONAI: Fantastic. So, after the election, you and your Party are faced with a Democrat controlled Congress and a Democratic President. What were some of the early discussions among party leaders as to how you would approach minority opposition? And I mean your opposition as the minority Party, not that you are opposed to minorities. ….. Are you?
Congressman Boehner: Where am I?! Who the Hell are you?! What is… is this sewage? Jesus Christ! Am I chained to a fucking septic tank?!
ADONAI: It was the most secure thing in the room, but never mind that, we’re here for an interview. Now, back to the 2008 elect-…
Congressman Boehner: There’s a huge fucking pipe running up the side of the wall, RIGHT THERE! Haven’t you seen Saw? You don’t chain someone to a goddamn septic tank!!
ADONAI: Well, la-de-da Mr. “I Know Everything About Abducting People And Holding Them In A Secure Location.” Maybe I’ll bring you along on my next interview. On that note, hold on a second. I gotta write something down, “Note to Self: Enjoy the wedding William. I’m coming for you.”
Congressman Boehner: You’re insane! This is madness!!
ADONAI: THIS IS SPARTA!!! ….. Nah, I;m just kidding. I know that movie is 5 years old but you kinda teed that one up. I had to swing. Anyways, we are wasting valuable time here. So, how abut that interview?
Congressman Boehner: An interview? AN INTERVIEW?!!! You couldn’t have called my office?!
ADONAI: I did! Like, 100 times or something. They kept saying you would get back to me but you never did.
Congressman Boehner: So you kidnap me?! How the Hell did you even pull this off?!
ADONAI: That’s not important. You gonna give me the interview or not?
Congressman Boehner: FINE! If it will get me away from this shit. This literal shit you decided to place me in.
ADONAI: I apologized for that, o.k.? No need to keep being a dick about it.
Congressman Boehner: You did not apologize! You glossed over it and made some sort of note concerning your apparent plan to abduct Prince William after his wedding.
ADONAI: Yeah, that’s gonna be an awesome road trip……. O.K., I guess the question my readers really want answered is, Why do republicans hate poor people?
Congressman Boehner: That’s a silly, unfair question! The Republican Party does not hate poor people. More welfare and aid programs have been enacted under Republican leadership since 1980 than any period of a Democrat controlled congress or White House. We want to help people but not waste billions of dollars doing it.
ADONAI: Yeah but, to be fair, wasn’t most of that just shit Clinton got past you, and things Reagan passed when he had a conscience in his first term? It seems as though the Republicans have spent the last decade trying to dismantle everything that came in the previous 2 decades.
Congressman Boehner: I’m sorry but it is really difficult to have a serious discussion about anything while I’m chained to a tub of human feces. The smell is making me sick.
ADONAI: Suck it up Johnny. One more question. Give me a satisfactory answer and you walk. You never see me again. Are you ready?
Congressman Boehner: What….. What happens if I, you know, don’t give a satisfactory answer?
ADONAI: I’ll probably just ask you another question. What? Oh, you thought…. No Johnny. I don’t hurt people. I just thought tying you to a septic tank would be hilarious. I totally knew that pipe would do it. I did see Saw. So, you ready?
Congressman Boehner: If I ever find you, I’m going to kick your fucking ass.
ADONAI: Can’t blame you for that. O.K. final question. In issue 652 of Amazing Spiderman, Volume 2, Peter Parker is shown in one panel wearing sunglasses then, in the very next panel, is depicted wearing normal glasses. Given such an obvious break in continuity, exactly why do fools fall in love?
Congressman Boehner: Are you seri-…. I don’t….*sigh*…. She blinded him with science?
ADONAI: Well done Congressman, well done. I would have also accepted “They wrote the book on love” and “let me go you insane asshole.” That concludes the interview. I need to go write this down.
Congressman Boehner: Wait! What about me?! Let me go!
ADONAI: Before I do, let me stand on these stairs that lead straight to my escape vehicle. …. O.K. Truth is, I never “chained you up”. There is no lock on it. The chains are just wrapped a little tight. With a little effort you could have gotten free at any time.
Congressman Boehner: You son of a bitch! I’m gonna …..
ADONAI: And that is my cue to exit.
Congressman Boehner discovers he has been held in the basement of a downtown D.C. Hooters. Determined to call the authorities he is quickly distracted by Happy Hour and low cut shirts. After a couple of blackouts, Boehner attributes the memory of the interview to the alcohol.