In the midst of a harsh thunderstorm this weekend, I heard a violent crashing sound in my backyard. My golden retriever is a nasty drunk, had she been hitting the sauce again?

As I stepped outside, I squinted at this unearthly glow hovering three feet above my lawn. It was a vortex, not the kind you usually find in your backyard but one that appeared to be, and I was just guessing, temporal in nature, generated at the other end by some kind of quantum singularity. Or my neighbor may have had their Xmas lights out early, I wasn’t completely sure.

As I gazed at the vortex, mesmerized by its swirling energy streams of every color and some new ones I’d never seen before (peppermint/mauve argyle?), something sparked as it launched out of the center of the vortex and landed on the grass.

With a crack of thunder and a burst of bright, white light, the vortex had vanished. Laying on the grass, what had emerged from the vortex, was a slightly futuristic iPad.

After a tug of war with my drunken golden retriever (and ducking a beer bottle she threw at my head), I finally took possession of this iPad from the future.

I initially noticed it had the scent of peanut butter and jelly and concluded that in the future, iPads would become children’s toys. The information age and its resulting technological evolution would increase human intellectual development exponentially, children would become smarter at earlier ages and require greater educational tools and stimuli such as iPads.

Or some stupid five year old in the future just tossed his dad’s iPad into a bright glowing thingy in their backyard.

The screen of this futuristic iPad was frozen, I couldn’t operate anything on it (the Scratch Your Ass button was intriguing) but displayed on the screen was the front page of “WalMart’s New York Times” dated “November 22, 2020” and the following stories appeared:

“Due to Terrorist with Fabric Explosives, TSA Defends Requirement for All Airline Passengers to Fly Naked.”

“President Palin Signs Executive Order Outlawing Gravity, Evolution and All Other ‘Lamestream’ Theories.”

“Ex-Senator Johanna Boehner Expresses No Regrets Over Sex Change, Claims She Cries Every Day in Joy.”

“The Wealthiest 1% in America Now Own 99% of Nation’s Wealth, Blame Tax Rate of 5% for Lack of Good Paying Jobs for Americans.”

“Justin Bieber – Where Is He Now and is he Still Dating That WWE Wrestler?”

“Glenn Beck Discusses Transition to Children’s Show Host, ‘What transition?!’, He Explains.”

“GOP’s Latest Attack on Jesus Since His Return, Claims That He is a Socialist and opposes American Values, Should Be Deported Since He Can’t Provide a Birth Certificate.”

“The FDA, Now a Subsidiary of Exxon, Declares Lead Paint As Nutritious Since it Contains Minerals.”

“Using New Laws On Marriage, Arianna Huffington Weds Herself.”

Don’t know if anyone else here has news from the future but if you do, please don’t hesitate to share it.

Got to get back to my golden retriever now, need to take her to AA (Animals Anonymous) to help her with her alcohol problem. She claims that like everything else, she can lick it.

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Khirad
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The worst part? Watching FOX!

[img]http://www.guzer.com/pictures/puppy_beer_remote.jpg[/img]

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PatsyT
Member

That reminds me of a tail about a group of Rottweilers drinking beer from Prairie Home Companion.

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kesmarn
Admin

If you have to watch FOX, though, this is the condition in which to do it.

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PatsyT
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bito
Member

“‘Last Union Members Captured in Cleveland’ Announced by Secretary of Labor, Steve Forbes VI”

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kesmarn
Admin

“Put on display at Cleveland Zoo’s ‘Last of Endangered Species’ Exhibit”?

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bito
Member

“Manhunt now on for the remnants of middle-class”

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kesmarn
Admin

“Middle class being defined as still having that jar of dimes on the shelf in the pantry.”

(“Hand over the dimes, ma’am, and nobody gets hurt. You know it’s illegal for the bottom 99.999% to possess money in TeaBagLand.”)

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kesmarn
Admin

2020 Ohio Retirees No Longer Need to Move to Florida. Thanks to Global Warming, Florida Has Moved to Them

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PatsyT
Member

“Great Lakes now GREATER!”

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kesmarn
Admin

Just call us the Rustbelt Riviera, Patsy.

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choicelady
Member

Global Warming Has Tourists Flocking to Buffalo and Cleveland! Balmy weather is sought by millions. Film at 11:00…

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kesmarn
Admin

Suddenly those “farmer tans” (you know, the ones that involve white foreheads –(John Deere hat line, of course)– and upper arms?) are chic.

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boomer1949
Member

kes,

There is nor ever has been Global Warming or Climate Change.

Heck, I get in my car the Saturday before every Thanksgiving and drive. However, I haven’t quite figured out why the wife and me reach Florida in less time than year before. 😀

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kesmarn
Admin

With warmer weather, out comes the Kool-Aide…and the Kool-Aide drinkers. Right, boomer? 🙂

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whatsthatsound
Member

My reception wasn’t as good as yours, but I did catch something about Lebron James.

“Having played in the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL, all without being on a championship team in any sport, Lebron announces to a record (low) audience on national television that he will be “taking my remaining talents” to the NASCAR circuit.”

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Kalima
Admin

Is my hair standing on end, do I need to brush it?

President “Palin” made me feel quite ill. 😯 The rest just made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

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Questinia
Member

Hilarious! President Palin and Vice-President O’Donnell will… oh never mind!

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choicelady
Member

…declare their undying love and fly off into the sunset together?

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PatsyT
Member

Mighty Scary Stuff AdLib ……
Can we set this to music? Yoo hooo Roy Zimmerman….
httpsh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQB2-Kmiic&feature=related

I feel for your doggy problem
Isn’t there a support group for families with this issue?
We have a Basset Hound that can’t live with out Four Loco

[img]http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/four%20loko02.jpg[/img]

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choicelady
Member

Patsy – does that make you and BassetDad related? Is there something we need to know about the persistance of Basset Hounds on the Planet?

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PatsyT
Member

No, not related but judging by his name I think he may have a Basset.
So maybe his basset is related to our basset.

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