News From the Year 2020!

In the midst of a harsh thunderstorm this weekend, I heard a violent crashing sound in my backyard. My golden retriever is a nasty drunk, had she been hitting the sauce again?

As I stepped outside, I squinted at this unearthly glow hovering three feet above my lawn. It was a vortex, not the kind you usually find in your backyard but one that appeared to be, and I was just guessing, temporal in nature, generated at the other end by some kind of quantum singularity. Or my neighbor may have had their Xmas lights out early, I wasn’t completely sure.

As I gazed at the vortex, mesmerized by its swirling energy streams of every color and some new ones I’d never seen before (peppermint/mauve argyle?), something sparked as it launched out of the center of the vortex and landed on the grass.

With a crack of thunder and a burst of bright, white light, the vortex had vanished. Laying on the grass, what had emerged from the vortex, was a slightly futuristic iPad.

After a tug of war with my drunken golden retriever (and ducking a beer bottle she threw at my head), I finally took possession of this iPad from the future.

I initially noticed it had the scent of peanut butter and jelly and concluded that in the future, iPads would become children’s toys. The information age and its resulting technological evolution would increase human intellectual development exponentially, children would become smarter at earlier ages and require greater educational tools and stimuli such as iPads.

Or some stupid five year old in the future just tossed his dad’s iPad into a bright glowing thingy in their backyard.

The screen of this futuristic iPad was frozen, I couldn’t operate anything on it (the Scratch Your Ass button was intriguing) but displayed on the screen was the front page of “WalMart’s New York Times” dated “November 22, 2020” and the following stories appeared:

“Due to Terrorist with Fabric Explosives, TSA Defends Requirement for All Airline Passengers to Fly Naked.”

“President Palin Signs Executive Order Outlawing Gravity, Evolution and All Other ‘Lamestream’ Theories.”

“Ex-Senator Johanna Boehner Expresses No Regrets Over Sex Change, Claims She Cries Every Day in Joy.”

“The Wealthiest 1% in America Now Own 99% of Nation’s Wealth, Blame Tax Rate of 5% for Lack of Good Paying Jobs for Americans.”

“Justin Bieber – Where Is He Now and is he Still Dating That WWE Wrestler?”

“Glenn Beck Discusses Transition to Children’s Show Host, ‘What transition?!’, He Explains.”

“GOP’s Latest Attack on Jesus Since His Return, Claims That He is a Socialist and opposes American Values, Should Be Deported Since He Can’t Provide a Birth Certificate.”

“The FDA, Now a Subsidiary of Exxon, Declares Lead Paint As Nutritious Since it Contains Minerals.”

“Using New Laws On Marriage, Arianna Huffington Weds Herself.”

Don’t know if anyone else here has news from the future but if you do, please don’t hesitate to share it.

Got to get back to my golden retriever now, need to take her to AA (Animals Anonymous) to help her with her alcohol problem. She claims that like everything else, she can lick it.