Trump Reveals Secret Plan to Destroy ISIS…Militarize Citizens’ Birthday Wishes

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump held a major foreign policy speech today on combating terrorism and finally revealed his secret plan to quickly destroy ISIS.

“What’s going on with all these terrorist attacks in America and the rest of the world because of radical Islamic extremist terrorism is horrible, just horrible. And it’s got to stop! Hillary Clinton, as a co-founder with Barack Obama of ISIS, can’t or maybe doesn’t even want to stop this,” exclaimed Trump.

“I’m the only one who wants to stop ISIS and I’m the only one who has a plan that will put an end to ISIS quickly and I mean quickly! Do you want to know what it is? Now I can’t tell you everything because I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m gonna do,  I’ll just tell you what the weapon is that I’ll use without saying how I’ll use it, okay? Birthday wishes. You know, when you blow out the candles and make a wish? Well, I’m going to ask all Americans to make a sacrifice for one year and give all their birthday wishes to me and as President, I will use them to end ISIS,” Trump stated, taking a moment to nod and pose with a jutting lower lip reminiscent of Mussolini.

“Just think of it! There are like 300 million people in America! That’s 300 million wishes I’ll have to stop ISIS overnight, slash everyone’s taxes while spending billions more on the military and infrastructure, send 11 million illegal immigrants out of the country in a blink and at no cost, get rid of all pollution and banking regulations while making the country safer and its economy more stable and make all Americans millionaires by making the wealthy wealthier!” Trump seemed to be holding up a fist to the crowd after that statement but by greatly magnifying the image, it was possible to see his tiny thumb sticking up.

“Look, we all know that Barack Hussein Obama and Hillary Clinton are guilty for all the evil in the world today…after all, she is The Devil. Thanks to them we have ISIS, an unfair economy, irritable bowel syndrome and me as the Republican nominee, pretty terrible stuff, right? Because this is what they want! If they wanted to use wishes to solve all our problems, they could’ve done so just like I’m going to do! They didn’t want to because they’re part of the problem along with their political correctness and insistence on ‘reality’, it won’t let them promise the things I can,” insisted Trump.

“And let me tell you, I’m all about unifying this country, “Trump declared, “…and anyone who isn’t with me on that, we’re gonna kick out of this country…in a unified way! Look, you know why I’m the only one who can do all this? You know what it takes? Confidence! And who’s more confident than me? Forget the polls, forget what Crooked Hillary says, when you think about who to vote for, think of who has the most confidence to lead this country to places that are only imaginable. Only Trump. Remember that, if you don’t think of anything else when you think of me, think of this, I am a confidence man!”