Bernie Madoff: Defending Mitt Romney and Free Enterprise

Bernie Madoff knows a thing or two about Free Enterprise. Once a top Wall Street investment manager, he now oversees one of the largest porn and cigarette brokerage markets in the Otisville Federal Correctional Institution.

Upon seeing the Bain-related attacks being made on Mitt Romney, Mr. Madoff felt compelled to speak out against this travesty and sent the following piece to PlanetPOV…written on several rolls of toilet paper.

A Moral Defense of Mitt Romney and Free Enterprise
by Bernie Madoff
 

The first rule of Free Enterprise Club is, you don’t talk negatively about Free Enterprise Club.

The second rule of Free Enterprise Club is, YOU DON’T TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT FREE ENTERPRISE CLUB.

The third rule of Free Enterprise Club is don’t leave your dead hookers where others might trip over them.

In the movie “Wall Street”, Michael Douglas’ character Gordon Gekko said, “Greed is good.” In case you didn’t see that movie, it’s the tragic story of an idealistic believer in Free Enterprise who mentors a young man only to be cruelly betrayed by him.

In movies, tv and the news, there seems to be one type of bigotry that is still acceptable in society, anti-semi-billionaire-ism. This tragic and hateful prejudice causes hedge fund managers, bankers and corporate executives to suffer deep depressions and sometimes double dip recessions.

It is a taxing burden. Many can’t help that they’re wealthy, they were just born that way, it’s not a choice. And yet, there are those who hate them for who they are…and occasionally for who they fire, outsource and bankrupt.

Now we see the opportunistic Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry trying to win the GOP primary in South Carolina by pandering to the worst in people and its high time that those of us who have lived, worked and been indicted in the world of Free Enterprise, stand up to defend it.

Let me begin by explaining one basic truth about Free Enterprise, if you attack anyone who participates in it, you are attacking everyone who does, America, capitalism, Santa Claus, Jesus, puppies and kitties, the laughter of children and you hate our troops.

You can’t say Mitt Romney acted as a destructive, job killing, business bankrupting, pillager in his years at Bain Capital without saying you hate all businesses and all of your friends and family who get a paycheck, you just can’t.

That’s because Free Enterprise IS you and everyone you know. Each of us, even millionaires and billionaires, is simply an equal, identical part of a greater whole that is in itself infallible and should never be questioned…and that’s why we prefer it to communism.

I think I can state with some authority, each person who operates in the Free Enterprise system is necessarily a good person and should be beyond criticism or at least criminal prosecution. They are merely well intentioned and loyal soldiers for capitalism, attack one soldier and you’re attacking the entire army, their homeland and their rightful ownership of other people’s money.

Everything Mitt Romney did while he was at Bain is beyond reproach. And this can be proven if he ever chooses to let us know the details of what he did there.

Small minded people attack hedge funds, Free Enterprise and the wealthy purely because of their envy of them. When the wealthy fire them and double the workload on remaining workers, instead of cheering the wealthy for cleverly figuring out how to become wealthier, they howl, “I’m unemployed!”, “I can’t afford my mortgage!”, “I have no health insurance!”, it’s all about them, “I”, “I”, “I”.

And while they’re luxuriating on their mountains of unemployment insurance and lighting their cigars with their food stamps, they look down their noses at the wealthy and condemn them for keeping their noses to the grindstone in their private jets and working till dawn in their pool-size jacuzzis in their 15 bedroom mansions.

In America, we put a high value on our democracy. If only we could specify that value, thanks to Free Enterprise, we could sell it at a profit and re-invest in a new public offering. In fact, I think our loyal protectors of Free Enterprise are already doing that.

As citizens, our duty is to ask the important questions…of Democrats only. The best way to criticize Republicans and those in the investment world is to compliment everything they do. Unjustified compliments call attention to themselves and often cause Republicans and the wealthy to question the morality and ethics of their behavior. Criticisms instead reveal one’s envy of them and instantly disprove themselves simply by being expressed.

So, if you have an issue with Mitt Romney over his performance at Bain Capital and want him to know it, say, “Your experience at Bain will make you a great President!” and you’ll not only avoid attacking the pillars of America and Democracy but you’ll indirectly yet successfully make your point and get him to rethink his entire philosophy about life and the ethical responsibility of business in a society.

Free Enterprise is like a valuable truffle, to grow, it needs to be kept out of the sunlight and can only be sought out by pigs.

I have to go now, I made a back end deal with another inmate and though it’s not a good fit for me, it could lead to a longer life cycle for my overall operation.

  1. Excellent! I literally LOLd.

    “Free Enterprise is like a valuable truffle, to grow, it needs to be kept out of the sunlight and can only be sought out by pigs.”

    Stephen Colbert will be so jealous that he didn’t come up with that one.

  2. And while they’re luxuriating on their mountains of unemployment insurance and lighting their cigars with their food stamps, they look down their noses at the wealthy and condemn them for keeping their noses to the grindstone in their private jets and working till dawn in their pool-size jacuzzis in their 15 bedroom mansions.

    Adlib I think you may be a psychic. I was watching either Boom or Bust on the History channel and they described WS in the 20’a in a similar way.

    I don’t usually watch History channel but the America -- The story of Us was fairly good. I was comparing the info to the version of Peoples’ History that I read and it was not off on the stories it covered much. I was disappointed it did not delve into the correction taken by FDR to save the plains though. Missed opportunity in explaining the Dust Storms, IMHO

  3. Thanks so much for the laughs tonight, AdLib. I was feeling a bit blue and you perked me right up. Tragedy and comedy have become so much a part of politics that, what can you do but laugh because it hurts too much to cry.

    • My pleasure Carmen and nice to see you at The Planet!

      It is challenging to parody what’s already ridiculous! I just think of future generations looking back at this era and thinking it was all just a long SNL sketch.

  4. Sadly AdLib you just described the GOP establishment response to attacks on crony capitalism better than they can themselves. But I am seeing real push back against what Romney did even with staunch conservatives (maybe just because they hate Romney more than they love capitalism). A few right wingers are rationalizing attacking capitalism by dissociation capitalism to what Romney did aka vulture capitalism. Actually that was a term created by a now Romney aid who worked for Dems against Meg Whitman. The biggest hypocrisy is policy wise the likes of Perry, Romney and Newt all would prescribe solutions that would make vulture capitalism more profitable.

  5. And with all this BS about “Free Enterprise”, let us not forget that this is all a market researched propaganda term and campaign conceived by Frank Luntz a month ago. Here’s how he followed it up yesterday:

    LUNTZ: “Conservatives should not be defending capitalism. They should be defending economic freedom. And there is a difference. The word capitalism was created by Karl Marx to demonize those people who make a profit. We’ve always talked about the free enterprise system or economic freedom. Suddenly, they’re trying to defend something that has only 18 percent support.?”

    We should be attacking this “Free Enterprise” BS as the phony manipulation from the GOP’s top BS provider, as it truly is.

    • Obviously this is another reason Romney is just a bad candidate. His “envy” defense of his time at Bain is just dropping flat dead and he does not know how to stay on message. He keeps on calling it capitalism. I’m with Rev Al on this one. Away from the teleprompter the right thinks Obama can’t compete but like Al says Romney wants to please everyone he’s talking too so badly and is so bad off script that again a perceived Obama weakness will be Romney’s bigger weakness. It was like when Obama was suppose to be worse than McCain in town halls and then Obama smoked him.

    • “Free enterprise” is free only because taxpayers subsidize it. Free to the rich, burden to the rest of us. Let’s have some personal responsibility from fictitious persons, not just human beings.

      • Indeed, “Free Enterprise” can only exist in a democracy and a stable society, both of which depend on economic justice, the wealthy paying their taxes, fair elections, etc.

        A nation’s economy doesn’t exist in a vacuum as Romney and the GOP Elite would like people to believe.

  6. I seriously believe you smuggled Bernie’s essay out of prison, cleverly disguised as TP, AdLib.

    I can see him writing away with his Montblanc pen, huddled in his cell, wrapped in his meager down comforter (with a paltry 600 thread count Egyptian cotton cover), with only the light of his small 1885 Tiffany lamp, making this heartfelt call to stand for and with the last of America’s oppressed.

    He’s so right (anyway you mean that) to appeal to the nation’s self sacrifice! He nailed it when he said the poor, the unemployed, the don’t-haves are just selfish and that it’s all “I-I-I!” Where is the national compassion for those in greed -- uh -- need of being able to sustain their way of life, keeping profits rolling in, so they can hire -- sometime in 2018 or beyond?

    We must thank you for your selfless risk in smuggling out this document. It makes “Letters from a Birmingham Jail” look like child’s play by comparison. Who can ignore the clarion call to righteousness on behalf of this remaining minority of oppressed people???

    We thank you for making this public. It should provide all the fodder we need for our NEW Civil Rights Act protecting the Wealthy.

    I imagine Bernie and his ilk are always wondering why the selfish downtrodden don’t rise against them if they are so indifferent to the weight of massive responsibility the rich have for our economy. It must mean that secretly each unemployed or impoverished person really admires the wealthy and aspires to BE one of them soon. Don’t you think that’s really what’s behind all this griping? Envy!

    That has to be the answer, and if that’s the real story, why then the wealthy will have nothing to fear!

    Yet…

    • Thanks so much, Choicelady. You wouldn’t believe all the palms that had to be greased, all the bribes that had to be made and all the laws that had to be broken to get this article…and that was what Madoff was doing before we even contacted him.

      Bernie does share Romney’s confusion about the little people wanting to drive the car, they’re little people, they can’t even see over the steering wheel!

      If the Job Creators are forced to sacrifice, how can they create jobs? If 99% of Americans sacrifice, who even notices?