Americans Can Lose Weight By Doing Nothing (Really!)

U.S. Obesity Trends from the CDC

U.S. Obesity Trends from the CDC

(Subtitle: How to sit on your sofa and lose weight. A 10-Word plan.)

America is in a crisis. We are fat and getting fatter. The CDC says, “During the past 20 years, there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States. In 2009, only Colorado and the District of Columbia had a prevalence of obesity less than 20%.”

In an attempt to demonstrate this trend the graphic design department at the CDC created an animated map to show how fat we are. A “Fat Map”! You have to see the coolness of the “Fat Map” in action. Hurry…go there now!

Told you it was cool!

In an effort to help Americans lose weight, and arguably to make a buck, hundreds of millions of words have been strung together in countless books, TV shows and articles about “How to lose weight,” “What you should not eat,” “How to exercise your way to the perfect fit body” and “How much bran is needed to poop like a Swiss watch maker” (unrelated). But I’m here today to simplify those rules, cut through the malarky and set you on the true path to the perfect thinner you.

Are you ready?

If you don’t have something to write with, please go and get that now, I’ll wait right here for you. No really, it’s ok. I’ll wait…

Welcome back.  Ok, my rules are pretty simple, but I want to be fair and let you know they must be STRICTLY enforced for this to work. If you cheat, it won’t work. I really don’t care if you cheat, but if you do, you should expect weight gain. So don’t then.

I can tell your getting anxious, so let’s get started. Don’t worry, just relax. This won’t be painful, and it REALLY does work.

So, here we go… All set?

OK. Ahem…

 

————– BEGIN WEIGHT LOSS RULES ——————

Rule #1: Ingest fewer calories than you burn, each and every day.*

*(IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER). Although Rule #1 will work all the time for everyone. It’s VERY important to understand that David Jennings is NOT a doctor, a lawyer, a foreigner with a cool accent or even a marginally reliable person. You should consult a real doctor before doing something stupid like following his lame diet advice. Really. Please. Duh!

————— END WEIGHT LOSS RULES ——————

 

Ok, that’s it. There’s only one rule. Easy huh. Now, go forth and lose weight!

Thanks. Bye.

 

 

 

(…)

 

 

 

You still here? You want additional info?  Ok, I know you’re accustom to the rules being really complicated, but actually Rule #1 is all you have to know. To help out I’ll try to answer a few of your specific questions below.

 

Question #1: (from John in Texas)

You idiot! What a moron!! You’re a dumb-ass Socialist Communist Nazi! This won’t work!

Answer:

Thanks, John! I hear your frustration and understand that being over weight isn’t fun. I mean, it’s fun becoming over weight, you know…with the ice cream and all, but once you’re there, it’s pretty much you, not having fun. Right?

Well, my plan follows the basic natural laws of science. Newton’s 5th law of “Pie Hole Management” is what applies in your case, “For a body to stay at rest and lose weight, it must not be acted upon by the force of a drive-thru Bacon Double Cheeseburger with Curly Fries.”

The reality is that we all burn calories all the time. Surprisingly, even while sitting on the sofa just watching a work-out video. The trick is, however, that to lose weight you must NOT consume more calories than your body burns. If you do eat more, your body saves a little and you gain weight. If you eat less, it pulls a little from your fat-reserves causing you to lose weight. (See Rule #1 above).

———–

Question #2: (Suzy in Atlanta)

Dear Mr. Man…this doesn’t work for women.

Answer:

Thanks, Suzy. But actually dear, it does. It works for women, men, children, old people, turtles, farm animals and all semi-aquatic birds. It even works for Republicans, although they will deny it and form a committee to prove you wrong (see global warming).

———–

Question #3: (Dwayne in the I.T. Department)

Everybody knows that the Dwarf Nubian Left-Footed Purple-Butted Spider Monkey can eat whatever it wants and still lose weight. It just “thinks” the calories away! So, you’re wrong.

Answer:

Dwayne,

Well, I’m not so sure about that…but *IF* that’s true, I’m sure someone on Oprah’s staff at the OWN Network is working on the “Dwarf Nubian Left-Footed Purple-Butted Spider Monkey Diet.” So, I guess you’re welcome to hold out for that. If you don’t want to wait, please…(see Rule #1 above).

———–

Question #4: (Anonymous in California)

I’ve been eating only protein shakes for a year now, and doing psycho therapeutic cranial massages, but I’m still gaining weight. How many asparagus turkey-burgers can be eaten in the 24 hours prior to a psycho massage? Help!

Answer:

Dear Anon.

Please review rule #1 above, I believe you’re overthinking this a bit.

Because most everything you eat these days is clearly labeled with a calorie count, your only real issue might be knowing how many calories you burn. To answer that, you should do a web search for “What’s my BMR” (Base Metabolic Rate). Your BMR will give you a starting place to know how many calories you burn while do nothing. Start by only ingesting food (AND beverages) equal to that many calories each day.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Those silly little online BMR calculators aren’t very accurate. So after a week, if your weight is still going up, ingest less. If it goes down, you’re on the right track. If you’re suddenly as thin as Charlie Sheen and start every sentence with “Winning,” you should find a different calculator, you may have been using the CSCC (Charlie Sheen Cocaine Calculator). Also…see Rule #1 above).

———–

Question #5: (Big Doug in Baltimore)

I daily jog 15 miles, do 1,000 push-ups, and sit in a steam bath for 45 minutes after my two-hour work-out, but I’m still gaining weight. What can I do?

Answer:

Dear Big Doug,

You’re focusing too much effort on the “How much you burn” part. You should refocus your efforts toward the “How much you ingest” part. Please, see BOTH parts of Rule #1 above.

———–

 

Thanks, everyone. That’s all our time for today. Thanks for playing, “Lose Weight While Doing Nothing”!  Now make America great again…go get skinny!

 

  1. Well, well, well……….

    The “laws of physics” you say? You KNOW all that’s just ‘theories’ from those pointy-headed elitist so-called scientists and know-nothing doctors!!!!! And we all know what ‘theories’ are, don’t we? Just a bunch of nonsense from panty-wasted do-gooder tree-hugger Socialists, that’s what… The Bible says NOTHING about this crap!

    ——

    Actually, I had a doctor tell me this a couple decades ago. I’m a big boy, and always have been… 6″ and about 240, but I don’t show it. Runs in the family.

    Interestingly, and not surprisingly, I did a little math once about this. It turns out that a guy my size burns about 70 calories an hour just by existing, breathing in and out. That’s 1,680 calories a day. It’s called “baseline metabolism.” So, to lose weight and be a couch potato (my preferred method of existence), I have to consume less than that.

    I also asked about different types of food…. protein, carbs, fat, and all that. The doc said “Your body has no idea where a calorie came from.”

    Now I know that sugar does different stuff than fat, and from proteins, but mainly, if you eat a balance of that stuff over a weeks’ time or so, and keep it under your basal metabolic rate, you WILL lose weight. Simple.

    I know this to be true because when I was laid up last year with recovering from cancer surgery for a couple months, and had no appetite (a bowl of soup was all I ate, maybe a bowl of cereal) I lost 30 pounds. I wasn’t doing anything other than struggling to get up and empty the catheter bag every day.

    So, where can we market this miracle cure????

  2. Dear Mr. Bauart,

    You were right that Fat Map was really cool, I do so love visuals, specially ones with pretty colors that change constantly, kinda like a kaleidoscope!

    Does this diet work for menopausal women? Can it control hot flashes, night sweats and sudden outburst of rage towards your stupid husband when he doesn’t close dresser drawers, pick up his clothes off the floor or look at you the wrong way?

    I really have never had a weight problem since I hate to eat, cook or clean up the kitchen, I don’t do bathrooms either. Which makes it really hard on my marriage to someone who insists on a full meat and potatoes kinda meal every night. He also has the nerve to ask for clean clothes too, can you believe it!

    Your advice would be greatly appreciated a.s.a.p., for I fear that soon I may harm him or any other idiot that happens to be within striking distance when these bouts occur.

    Hubby says that he won’t bail me out of jail if I do something that I might regret, like driving my car into the back end of the next bitch who cuts me off while talking on the cell phone or strangling the old fart who clips my heels with their grocery cart.

    HELP!

    Faithfully yours,

    Crazy Raging Hormones Woman

  3. First off: Nicely written, sir.

    Secondly: WOW!! I’ve never heard of anything so AMAZING… Except for back in high school, when they explained that whole calorie thing in detail. You and I must be among the tiny minority who were actually paying attention. I’m living, breathing proof that it works, too. A few years ago, after deciding that being overweight was very inconvenient, I lost about 80 pounds in four months by doing just what you have explained. People would say, “Wow! How did you lose that much weight?” and I would say, “I quit eating.” This didn’t seem to compute with most of them, so they would invariably ask, “What do you mean ‘you quit eating’?” and I would answer, “I mean I quit eating. I cut my calorie intake down to 1200 a day, and, as you can see, I lost a shit load of weight.” They would then ask what I ate 1200 calories of, and I would say, “Whatever I want, as long as it doesn’t add up to more than 1200 calories. I’m partial to frozen pizzas and canned chili, with the occasional cheeseburger thrown in for variety.” This seemed to blow their minds, because they just don’t understand that it’s a simple numbers game — it doesn’t matter if it’s wheat germ or tubs of ice cream, as long as the count matches the goal. In fact, eating smaller amounts of higher calorie food seemed to be less difficult than eating larger portions of low calorie stuff. I didn’t experience as many cravings that way — other than just being constantly hungry, which you actually do get used to. I did take the recommended daily dose of a quality multi-vitamin, but that’s usually a good idea anyway.

    But, I would like to make one suggestion to help round out your hypothesis: Pain Management. Counting calories is easy, not eating as much as you used to is hard — in fact, it’s literally painful. The concept of hunger pains in not something to laugh at, and no one will be able to maintain a lower calorie diet without coming to terms with it, and eventually mastering it. Chronic pain is a common topic out in the inter-tubes, so there’s lots of online articles and such to help the self-imposing novice to know what to expect, and maybe learn a few tricks to help ease the discomfort. I did it by being an obstinate son-of-a-bitch to myself, but others may not be lucky enough to have that as a personality trait.

    Otherwise, you win the “Your A Genius Just By Pointing Out The Obvious To The Morons” award. As Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character “Velvet Jones” would have once said: “It’s as simple as that!”

    • Dear Paradise

      You have clarified even further what I was attempting to say. I started my diet plan with a fancy online company, paid for their “special” food every month and lost weight. But what I ultimately realized was, their food didn’t matter. It REALLY TRULY is about just eating less. For me the number is about 1100 calories a day, (but then I sit on my ass all day and only exercise by lifting the remote).

      Yeah I was attempting a bit of humor… BUT I get so tired of hearing about the fancy expensive overly complicated diet plans, that I wanted to bring it down a notch and explain the basics of what I learned.

      I’m now down 40 lbs. from my previous unenlightened top weight, and finally in the lower third of my healthy BMI.

      Congrats on your weight loss! Keep it up!

  4. Dear Mr. Bauart -- while I happen to agree with you: less taken in, more burned up, I suspect that somehow, some way, your advice will translate into a Republican tax gimmick. To wit: If we lower tax rates on the wealthy we will get MORE revenue.

    You understand that I believe this is a perversion of your thesis, but I fear you will be co-opted, appropriated, wantonly used, and made to look like a damned fool, all in the service of naked greed.

    Speaking of naked greed, that part has clearly been taken over by Newt, though I’d not dwell on it if I were you. It’s bad visuals and TMI.

    From a purely health standpoint, I think you have reached the state of perfect knowledge. I do warn you, however, that it makes for a VERY short diet book and therefore you have probably undermined your marketability. Sure you don’t want to throw in that Dwarf Nubian Purple-butted monkey thingy? Or some exotic fruit or berry?

    Also -- recipes. Recipes would be good. Things we can spend lots of time hunting out -- exotic ingredients -- and then cooking. It doesn’t have to be good (have you ever MADE anything from the South Beach Diet book -- eeeeuuuuwww) but it should be elaborate.

    The art of turning one-sentence good judgement into a crusade seems to be lacking here, just proving again that you’re too smart for your own good.

    On the other hand -- I probably can remember your advice. And I won’t go broke following it. So while you’re clearly a dupe, not at all linked to the American Way of Exploitation, we do thank you.

    Thank you.

      • Escribacat,

        The Nubian Spider-Monkey Diet is still in its trial phase. It may continue as a trial for a considerable amount of time.

        Also, once it reaches market you should expect it to be quite pricey. (You know… Spider-Monkeys and all).

        Please watch Oprah’s OWN Network for full details as they emerge. (Channel 279 on DirecTV).

    • c’lady- there is a series on Current called ‘Kill, Cook, Eat’ (really!!)
      If you watch it every week, one of two things will happen:
      A. you will get a lot of exercise capturing, and preparing, your meal.
      B. It will cause you to view eating with a totally different perspective!!
      Good luck :)

    • Yes I think you make a valid point. I struggled at length with what to say that would not, could not, be perverted. Alas… the Repubs are too snarky and devious for me. I finally decided that nothing could remain un-bashed by their dislogical logication machine “The Newt”.

      I surrendered greed for this in lieu of simplicity. I will leave it to others to push-the-envelope and make a buck off of those unwilling, or unable, to follow a simple 10-word plan to become and remain thin.

      Viva la Dupes!

  5. Dear Mr. Bauart,
    Will this self-help series also work for obese felines?
    I have one sleek, trim feline- and another I nicknamed Miss Piggy with just cause. I restrict her intake, I try to entice her to play, but all I get for my effort is: a cat who sleeps till 11AM, has lunch, and sleeps until 4 or 5 PM waking just in time for dinner- then a midnight ‘snack’.
    Thank You,
    FelineFrustration

    • jkk -- I have two cats, one slim and self regulating, the other a porker.

      I’m “feline your frustration.” Nuttin’ to be done other than taking up the bowls and dealing with the yowls. Or giving up and just letting the roly poly one be. There is no middle ground.

      • ::sigh::
        you both are right, however this is the issue, Miss (Persia) ‘Piggy” eats dry food; Sam, sleek and social, eats canned.
        Miss Piggy turns up her arrogant nose at canned, and wouldn’t eat a morsel!
        She eats dry- which Sam won’t touch!
        Piggy gets 1c per day, and licks the bowl clean. (She is probably the reason FL is orange!)
        Mr. Buart, c’lady, any chance one of you would establish a fat camp for cats? :)
        Thanks!

    • It works most excellently…. If you’re willing to put up with the constant begging for food from Miss Piggy. Our feline friends do not voluntarily participate in ANY weight loss programs. Sounds like her activity level is first rate (bravo) but you will have to focus on reducing what she ingest. So… best of luck with that.