(Subtitle: How to sit on your sofa and lose weight. A 10-Word plan.)
America is in a crisis. We are fat and getting fatter. The CDC says, “During the past 20 years, there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States. In 2009, only Colorado and the District of Columbia had a prevalence of obesity less than 20%.”
In an attempt to demonstrate this trend the graphic design department at the CDC created an animated map to show how fat we are. A “Fat Map”! You have to see the coolness of the “Fat Map” in action. Hurry…go there now!
Told you it was cool!
In an effort to help Americans lose weight, and arguably to make a buck, hundreds of millions of words have been strung together in countless books, TV shows and articles about “How to lose weight,” “What you should not eat,” “How to exercise your way to the perfect fit body” and “How much bran is needed to poop like a Swiss watch maker” (unrelated). But I’m here today to simplify those rules, cut through the malarky and set you on the true path to the perfect thinner you.
Are you ready?
If you don’t have something to write with, please go and get that now, I’ll wait right here for you. No really, it’s ok. I’ll wait…
Welcome back. Ok, my rules are pretty simple, but I want to be fair and let you know they must be STRICTLY enforced for this to work. If you cheat, it won’t work. I really don’t care if you cheat, but if you do, you should expect weight gain. So don’t then.
I can tell your getting anxious, so let’s get started. Don’t worry, just relax. This won’t be painful, and it REALLY does work.
So, here we go… All set?
————– BEGIN WEIGHT LOSS RULES ——————
Rule #1: Ingest fewer calories than you burn, each and every day.*
*(IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER). Although Rule #1 will work all the time for everyone. It’s VERY important to understand that David Jennings is NOT a doctor, a lawyer, a foreigner with a cool accent or even a marginally reliable person. You should consult a real doctor before doing something stupid like following his lame diet advice. Really. Please. Duh!
————— END WEIGHT LOSS RULES ——————
Ok, that’s it. There’s only one rule. Easy huh. Now, go forth and lose weight!
You still here? You want additional info? Ok, I know you’re accustom to the rules being really complicated, but actually Rule #1 is all you have to know. To help out I’ll try to answer a few of your specific questions below.
Question #1: (from John in Texas)
You idiot! What a moron!! You’re a dumb-ass Socialist Communist Nazi! This won’t work!
Thanks, John! I hear your frustration and understand that being over weight isn’t fun. I mean, it’s fun becoming over weight, you know…with the ice cream and all, but once you’re there, it’s pretty much you, not having fun. Right?
Well, my plan follows the basic natural laws of science. Newton’s 5th law of “Pie Hole Management” is what applies in your case, “For a body to stay at rest and lose weight, it must not be acted upon by the force of a drive-thru Bacon Double Cheeseburger with Curly Fries.”
The reality is that we all burn calories all the time. Surprisingly, even while sitting on the sofa just watching a work-out video. The trick is, however, that to lose weight you must NOT consume more calories than your body burns. If you do eat more, your body saves a little and you gain weight. If you eat less, it pulls a little from your fat-reserves causing you to lose weight. (See Rule #1 above).
Question #2: (Suzy in Atlanta)
Dear Mr. Man…this doesn’t work for women.
Thanks, Suzy. But actually dear, it does. It works for women, men, children, old people, turtles, farm animals and all semi-aquatic birds. It even works for Republicans, although they will deny it and form a committee to prove you wrong (see global warming).
Question #3: (Dwayne in the I.T. Department)
Everybody knows that the Dwarf Nubian Left-Footed Purple-Butted Spider Monkey can eat whatever it wants and still lose weight. It just “thinks” the calories away! So, you’re wrong.
Well, I’m not so sure about that…but *IF* that’s true, I’m sure someone on Oprah’s staff at the OWN Network is working on the “Dwarf Nubian Left-Footed Purple-Butted Spider Monkey Diet.” So, I guess you’re welcome to hold out for that. If you don’t want to wait, please…(see Rule #1 above).
Question #4: (Anonymous in California)
I’ve been eating only protein shakes for a year now, and doing psycho therapeutic cranial massages, but I’m still gaining weight. How many asparagus turkey-burgers can be eaten in the 24 hours prior to a psycho massage? Help!
Please review rule #1 above, I believe you’re overthinking this a bit.
Because most everything you eat these days is clearly labeled with a calorie count, your only real issue might be knowing how many calories you burn. To answer that, you should do a web search for “What’s my BMR” (Base Metabolic Rate). Your BMR will give you a starting place to know how many calories you burn while do nothing. Start by only ingesting food (AND beverages) equal to that many calories each day.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: Those silly little online BMR calculators aren’t very accurate. So after a week, if your weight is still going up, ingest less. If it goes down, you’re on the right track. If you’re suddenly as thin as Charlie Sheen and start every sentence with “Winning,” you should find a different calculator, you may have been using the CSCC (Charlie Sheen Cocaine Calculator). Also…see Rule #1 above).
Question #5: (Big Doug in Baltimore)
I daily jog 15 miles, do 1,000 push-ups, and sit in a steam bath for 45 minutes after my two-hour work-out, but I’m still gaining weight. What can I do?
Dear Big Doug,
You’re focusing too much effort on the “How much you burn” part. You should refocus your efforts toward the “How much you ingest” part. Please, see BOTH parts of Rule #1 above.
Thanks, everyone. That’s all our time for today. Thanks for playing, “Lose Weight While Doing Nothing”! Now make America great again…go get skinny!