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AdLib On January - 15 - 2010

Once again, God has been motivated to blog and has been kind enough to share it with us.

Makes me feel appreciated for being a Deity Virgin when we met and not having any Gods before him…though I was always concerned that he might prefer someone with more experience and that I wasn’t worshiping him right despite his constant reassurances.

In any case, here is God’s latest blog entry:

Hey all! God here…and everywhere of course, which really reduces my need to have to pay a Carbon Offset, like ever, which is so worth the hassle of omnipresence.

Don’t know what your Thursday was like but mine was totally wack. So, it’s just a lazy afternoon for me and my son, fixing a few things around the place and telling more Republicans to run for office and announce that we told them to (they’re so gullible!) when I hear Pat Robertson blaming the devastating earthquake in Haiti on me being PO’d at the Hatians for not wanting to remain slaves!

WTF?

I may have created human beings in my image but if you think I look anything like Pat Robertson, you’re totally high.

The truth is, he and Rush look more like a relative of mine, they have his round face, even his creepy smile, not to mention that both of them think they can beat anyone in a fiddle contest.

So many nutty things to address and only an eternity to address them which just never seems like enough time.

Let me begin by saying straight up, I do not talk to Pat Robertson and neither does my son, we don’t even send him Christmas cards. It really pisses me off that he lies about this, I’d strike him down with a bolt of lightning but since he is one enormous negatively charged particle, I don’t want to blow up a whole city block.

Our falling out with Pat goes back to a nasty argument my son got into with him. My son got fed up with all the BS Pat was saying about us down there and wanted to sue him for Defamation of Character, I told him it would be impossible finding an impartial jury when you’re an infallible deity so my son decided to instead pay Pat a visit to see what’s what.

He explained to Pat that this was his first and last conversation with him, that he needs to stop lying and blaming us every time something bad happens on Earth. Meanwhile Pat stole my son’s Milano cookie from beside his coffee cup and ate it in one bite. What a dick.

My son went on to explain that when natural or man-made disasters occur on the planet (not The Planet, of course), it’s not us being vindictive weenies, its the result of the dynamics of existence in the physical plane and/or human nature.

“Pat, there are many forces in play in the physical world, many of which are in constant interaction with each other, such as plate tectonics which is what causes earthquakes. Earthquakes are not cause by belligerent, vengeful, grudge-holding all-powerful gods with the emotional maturity of a televangelist.”

That’s when Pat let one go, at first pretending he didn’t notice anything then blaming my son for the foul odor. My son replied, “You know what the 11th Commandment would have been? ‘He who smelt it, dealt it’.”

In retrospect, I think that really does describe Pat fully and succinctly.

Pat keeps smelling the scent of sulfur all around him. The scent of evil (and nachos). And he keeps pointing at everyone else, especially the meek, the suffering  and those who have the least power, he points at them as the cause of what evil and noxious scent he smells.

However, in his off-handed remark, my son so wisely summed up that human ball of gas.

He who smelt it, dealt it.

And not only does he deal it, he stands Pat.

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

74 Responses so far.

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  1. Khirad says:

    Edit. Quick, I need something profound to say!

  2. javaz says:

    Satan has replied to Pat Robertson.
    Funny thing, is that the uber-fallen-one has replied from Minnesota.
    This might explain Michelle Bachman.

    Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

    Courtesy of Lily Coyle, Minneapolis

    Star Tribune Link

    • bitohistory says:

      That’s good j’avaz!

      But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

      😆

    • KQuark says:

      😆 that is hilarious.

    • Khirad says:

      That’s what I said earlier! It sort of defeats the purpose of a Faustian deal, no? And yes, it reduces God to a petty bully. At one time he had his lieutenant Satan to torment people, like Job, to test their faith. But; His right-hand man had a “falling out” -- and in any case, the birth of His son made Him a changed Omnipotent Being. I thought he was all about love now.

      If this Pat’s idea of God, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to worship such a being. Does his God want my love? or just my fear and submission and constant praise to salve His insecure Ego? Who was it that said, both God and Satan want your soul, but only the latter will pay you for it?

      And hey, the guy Downstairs is a little offended by this too. It makes him look like he doesn’t honor his deals. And you know, Satan has feelings too.


  3. UncleB says:

    Nice Blog GOD. I’ve really enjoyed your various billboards over the years, as well..!

    1. “Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game” -- God
    2. “C’mon Over And Bring The Kids” -- God
    3. “What Part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand?” -- God

    4. “We Need To Talk” -- God
    5. “Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer” -- God
    6. “Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place?” -- God

    7. “Follow Me.” -- God
    8. “Big Bang Theory, You’ve Got To Be Kidding.” -- God
    9. “Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test.” -- God

    10. “Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage” -- God
    11. “That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It.” -- God
    12. “I Love You…I Love You…I Love You…” -- God

    13. “My Way Is The Highway.” -- God
    14. “You Think It’s Hot Here?” -- God
    15. “Tell The Kids I Love Them.” -- God

    16. “Need a Marriage Counselor? I’m Available.” -- God
    17. “Need Directions?” -- God

    “You think it’s hot here? --God

    THERE IS A ME!!! PASS IT ON -- GOD

    I TOLD NOAH TO SWAT ONE OF THOSE TWO MOSQUITOES -- GOD

    BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED?…. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL -- GOD

    YOU’RE ALL EQUAL IN MY EYES… WHY AREN’T YOU ALL EQUAL IN YOURS? -- GOD

  4. choicelady says:

    Hi all -- just got online to find the wonderful message from God. I totally believe that would be he/she/its point of view. I love it! Thank you for sharing God’s message, AdLib -- I laughed til I cried!

    I would SERIOUSLY like to recommend that if you loved what AdLib passed on from God (ahem) you will like reading the ‘missing gospels’ of Jesus’ youth written by his best childhood friend, Biff. The book is “Lamb” by Christopher Moore, and it’s one of the most hilarious, bawdy, racy, irreverant and truthful books EVER about Christianity and Jesus’ life, albeit total fiction. It’s supposedly the story of the ‘missing years’ of Jesus’ life, and it makes sense of how Christ matured and grew and changed his entire view of life, faith, God, humans -- why his teachings are so radical. It’s at points deeply moving and sometimes heartbreaking, but it’s also one of the funniest books you’ll ever read, and I recommend it heartily. This is an audience that would truly appreciate it! Enjoy!

  5. bitohistory says:

    Looks like God is stiring up the folks in France. Or maybe it’s the Satan!

    Pat Robertson Haiti comments: French view theory with disbelief

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20100114/wl_csm/273911

    • KQuark says:

      Considering the deal the Haitian slaves made was actually with the French, I can see why they hate the implication.

      • bitohistory says:

        From the article:

        It was bad enough that he said the successful slave revolt came during the reign of “Napoleon III, or whatever” (the Haitian Revolution led by Francois-Dominique Toussaint L’ouverture was in fact completed in 1804 when Napoleon Bonaparte ruled France, 44 years before his nephew Napoleon III came to power). But here in Haiti

        • KQuark says:

          I was thinking about the crappy terms especially the “reparations” for wealthy French land owners that the French extorted from the Haitian people to grant them their independence which was the first thing that crippled the Haitian economy. To pay all the gold the French wanted the Haitian people had to do draconian things like shut down their school system in order to pay the French.

          • bitohistory says:

            KQ, I read that when you posted it yesterday. The part of them having to close the schools in order to pay the ransom had me shaking my head! No wonder they have had a hard time progressing!

            • KQuark says:

              What Robertson said is absolutely unforgivable. I probably should have been more direct instead of being sarcastic and say the French need to recognize their terrible history with Haiti. They are as just responsible as anyone for the situation in Haiti.

  6. Questinia says:

    Yes, but Pat says God can’t leg press 2,000 lbs like he can. I’ve heard Pat always tries to hold that over God’s head.

    But, apparently God told Pat everybody knows gay men are particularly good at leg presses.

    Then God called Pat by his real name: Marion.

  7. KQuark says:

    Adlib my wife received an email today from a friend that is hilarious and definitely fits the topic.

    HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with his colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle ‘s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time…
    So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

    Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change\of the volume in Hell because Boyle ‘s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This leaves us two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

    Leave it to a chemist to describe hell.

  8. KQuark says:

    😆 another great one. Trying to secure the humor category in 2010 I see already.

    My wife actually use to hang around with one of Pat Robinson’s granddaughters when they were young. Her father is a preacher and he was trying to get Robinson to support an African American religious TV station he was trying to start. Of course she and his granddaughter had to keep their friendship on the DL because you know Pat don’t believe in that race mixin’ stuff. Actually my wife’s nickname for him is Mighty Mouse.

  9. nicole473 says:

    Oh God, thanks for taking the time to set everyone straight, especially that dickhead, Pat, who wouldn’t say anything good about anyone who doesn’t have the same color of skin, and the same religion, unless someone threatened him with a weapon.
    The man is a complete fool.

    So thanks, God. We need all the help we can get with the Repub fundies.

  10. boomer1949 says:

    Dear God,

    I pray you win the Debate :-)

    boomer

  11. kesmarn says:

    God, you and your son rule.

    I mean, really.

    Thanks for setting Pat straight. Now, in the on-deck circle: Dubya.

    • AdLib says:

      I can’t tell you how pissed off God was when Bush named himself “The Decider”.

      All I’ll say is that He happily used the phrase, “Decide this!” before Obama was elected.

  12. javaz says:

    Hello God!

    Here’s one of your good people telling Rush the way to make amends for his idiotic, hateful remarks.
    (Of course, You’ve already seen it and inspired it, but maybe others haven’t seen a real man taking on a sulfur-scented-cretin-


    • Khirad says:

      I suppose it would be turning this into the same partisanship I was appalled by in the first place, but I particularly like the idea of shaming him into donating that much money to amend his comments.

      • javaz says:

        We love Ferguson and tape his show every night and watch it the next day.
        We just saw last night’s show this morning, so I went to youtube and VOILA!

        • Tiger99 says:

          I am a big Craig Ferguson fan too!!! He was great on Drew Carey and the movie he co-wrote
          ” Saving Grace” is one of my all time favorites…



        • AlphaBitch says:

          Me too! (the taping I mean, unless I stay up to sing the theme song and then feel obligated to actually stay up and sleep at work the next day).

          Hey God -- can you make Craig like me more than Javaz? He’s MY boyfriend (watch out, Blov). I used to love Raul Malo, but I’ve always been such a twit for a Scotsman’s brogue.

          And while you are at it, Big Guy -- can you get rid of this totally NASTY tummy virus? I’m pretty sure it was not the nachos -- I’ve always thought they are in and of themselves quite heavenly -- but it’s the stomach bile of those that digest them that makes that scent. But You already know that, right? I’ve been under the weather (and near a trashcan) since Monday, and I’m tired of it.

          In Pat’s name I curse, your humble servant AB.

          • AdLib says:

            Sorry to hear you’re ill! I just texted God to ask if he would help you feel better and he replied:

            tel ab im sorry, will get right on it. been stuck on skype all day with satan. he’s really po’d about me getting all the credit for haiti.

            and pat robertson for that matter.

          • escribacat says:

            AB, Hope you feel better! Sounds nasty.

          • boomer1949 says:

            AB,

            I love, love, love Craig’s accent.

            Sorry you’re under the weather. Feel better soon!

            boomer

            • AlphaBitch says:

              Thanks, Boomer. I’ll compete with you as well for Craig. We’re a bunch of brogue-hos, I think!

            • Khirad says:

              I definitely have a thing for the lassies. They can say “manila envelope stapled on a beige wall” and make it sound sexy.

            • Khirad says:

              Bito, that would have fit my video down below -- oh my -- down I’m doing it!

            • Khirad says:

              I myself need to find the stand up he did talking about growing up in Scotland, it was hilarious.

              As to adorableness, two Scots together for everyone:


              Laughter is really sometimes the best medicine -- endorphins or sumfin’…

            • bitohistory says:

              AlphaB, “this to shall pass” Pun intended? :-)

            • AlphaBitch says:

              Did you see my boyfriend Craig’s riff on “My, that’s a lovely banana!” and how -- with that brogue -- it just SOUNDED dirty????? I can’t look at bananas the same anymore. (Sorry, God.) and with the tummy virus….I’ve been swamped with bananas……

              Thanks everyone for the kindness. It’s just a stupid virus. This, too, shall pass, right?

  13. Khirad says:

    I do find it odd. That ball of gas says they made a pact with the Morning Star, the Fallen One, and so You are to blame for such OT gangstaness? Yea, wouldst it not be the Dark One that caused such inhuman destruction? Seems not to be the most Righteous testimonial for Thy mercy and love. I though Ye had been reformed and softened by your Son.

    That


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