World

Ivanka Trump will be heading up the #JustMe movement which will be dedicated to people having a safe space to unite and share their stories about the abuse that Donald Trump has suffered.

If Trump can't be removed from office through impeachment, can't or won't be indicted and won't voluntarily leave the White House even after he's proven to have committed federal crimes...can he be leveraged to resign? The answer to that may be yes.

"You have to know all the right words to get around telling them what they're trying to get you to admit so for those, I color the truth," Trump stated.

Scientists explain that from now on, whenever Trump experiences such fears as Proof of Russian Collusion, Mueller Knocking on His Door or Seeing a Black Man in Real Life, a personalized algorithm will automatically create and post a defensive or deflecting tweet on his account that responds to that fear.

Confronted by reporters that this didn't make any sense in the rest of his Putin-supporting/America bashing statement, Trump replied, "It's not surprising that people in the fake news have so much hate in them, even for pudding. Pudding doesn't make sense? It's not supposed to make sense, it's just supposed to taste good and that's why I be loving pudding,"

Relying on tv for his decision-making on personnel has gone so well, Trump will now use it to select military leaders. Trump stated, "I need a new general and I've watched this Gomer Pyle guy all of my life, I like the cut of his jib!"

When Trump campaigned on "bringing back" law and order, he meant authorities should have more power to dominate and abuse minorities. He didn't intend for them to be more empowered to pursue crimes that rich, white men commit.

When a party with bad intentions, like Cambridge Analytica or Vladimir Putin, uses Facebook's highly manipulative machinery for their own malicious purposes, they're just using it as it's designed to be used...turning people's personal information against them.

Trump presented a longer list of "bad guys" which oddly included "Jesus". When asked about this, Trump noted, "All these people think Jesus is a good guy, well he's not, trust me. He creates zombies by bringing dead guys back to life, how evil is that?"

"The best way to fight fire is with fire," NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre explained. "So we are also advocating that fire departments around the country replace the water hoses on their firetrucks with flamethrowers."