Americans Can Lose Weight By Doing Nothing (Really!)

Well, well, well……….

The “laws of physics” you say? You KNOW all that’s just ‘theories’ from those pointy-headed elitist so-called scientists and know-nothing doctors!!!!! And we all know what ‘theories’ are, don’t we? Just a bunch of nonsense from panty-wasted do-gooder tree-hugger Socialists, that’s what… The Bible says NOTHING about this crap!

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Actually, I had a doctor tell me this a couple decades ago. I’m a big boy, and always have been… 6″ and about 240, but I don’t show it. Runs in the family.

Interestingly, and not surprisingly, I did a little math once about this. It turns out that a guy my size burns about 70 calories an hour just by existing, breathing in and out. That’s 1,680 calories a day. It’s called “baseline metabolism.” So, to lose weight and be a couch potato (my preferred method of existence), I have to consume less than that.

I also asked about different types of food…. protein, carbs, fat, and all that. The doc said “Your body has no idea where a calorie came from.”

Now I know that sugar does different stuff than fat, and from proteins, but mainly, if you eat a balance of that stuff over a weeks’ time or so, and keep it under your basal metabolic rate, you WILL lose weight. Simple.

I know this to be true because when I was laid up last year with recovering from cancer surgery for a couple months, and had no appetite (a bowl of soup was all I ate, maybe a bowl of cereal) I lost 30 pounds. I wasn’t doing anything other than struggling to get up and empty the catheter bag every day.

So, where can we market this miracle cure????

Dear Mr. Bauart,

You were right that Fat Map was really cool, I do so love visuals, specially ones with pretty colors that change constantly, kinda like a kaleidoscope!

Does this diet work for menopausal women? Can it control hot flashes, night sweats and sudden outburst of rage towards your stupid husband when he doesn’t close dresser drawers, pick up his clothes off the floor or look at you the wrong way?

I really have never had a weight problem since I hate to eat, cook or clean up the kitchen, I don’t do bathrooms either. Which makes it really hard on my marriage to someone who insists on a full meat and potatoes kinda meal every night. He also has the nerve to ask for clean clothes too, can you believe it!

Your advice would be greatly appreciated a.s.a.p., for I fear that soon I may harm him or any other idiot that happens to be within striking distance when these bouts occur.

Hubby says that he won’t bail me out of jail if I do something that I might regret, like driving my car into the back end of the next bitch who cuts me off while talking on the cell phone or strangling the old fart who clips my heels with their grocery cart.

HELP!

Faithfully yours,

Crazy Raging Hormones Woman

First off: Nicely written, sir.

Secondly: WOW!! I’ve never heard of anything so AMAZING… Except for back in high school, when they explained that whole calorie thing in detail. You and I must be among the tiny minority who were actually paying attention. I’m living, breathing proof that it works, too. A few years ago, after deciding that being overweight was very inconvenient, I lost about 80 pounds in four months by doing just what you have explained. People would say, “Wow! How did you lose that much weight?” and I would say, “I quit eating.” This didn’t seem to compute with most of them, so they would invariably ask, “What do you mean ‘you quit eating’?” and I would answer, “I mean I quit eating. I cut my calorie intake down to 1200 a day, and, as you can see, I lost a shit load of weight.” They would then ask what I ate 1200 calories of, and I would say, “Whatever I want, as long as it doesn’t add up to more than 1200 calories. I’m partial to frozen pizzas and canned chili, with the occasional cheeseburger thrown in for variety.” This seemed to blow their minds, because they just don’t understand that it’s a simple numbers game — it doesn’t matter if it’s wheat germ or tubs of ice cream, as long as the count matches the goal. In fact, eating smaller amounts of higher calorie food seemed to be less difficult than eating larger portions of low calorie stuff. I didn’t experience as many cravings that way — other than just being constantly hungry, which you actually do get used to. I did take the recommended daily dose of a quality multi-vitamin, but that’s usually a good idea anyway.

But, I would like to make one suggestion to help round out your hypothesis: Pain Management. Counting calories is easy, not eating as much as you used to is hard — in fact, it’s literally painful. The concept of hunger pains in not something to laugh at, and no one will be able to maintain a lower calorie diet without coming to terms with it, and eventually mastering it. Chronic pain is a common topic out in the inter-tubes, so there’s lots of online articles and such to help the self-imposing novice to know what to expect, and maybe learn a few tricks to help ease the discomfort. I did it by being an obstinate son-of-a-bitch to myself, but others may not be lucky enough to have that as a personality trait.

Otherwise, you win the “Your A Genius Just By Pointing Out The Obvious To The Morons” award. As Eddie Murphy’s old SNL character “Velvet Jones” would have once said: “It’s as simple as that!”

Dear Mr. Bauart – while I happen to agree with you: less taken in, more burned up, I suspect that somehow, some way, your advice will translate into a Republican tax gimmick. To wit: If we lower tax rates on the wealthy we will get MORE revenue.

You understand that I believe this is a perversion of your thesis, but I fear you will be co-opted, appropriated, wantonly used, and made to look like a damned fool, all in the service of naked greed.

Speaking of naked greed, that part has clearly been taken over by Newt, though I’d not dwell on it if I were you. It’s bad visuals and TMI.

From a purely health standpoint, I think you have reached the state of perfect knowledge. I do warn you, however, that it makes for a VERY short diet book and therefore you have probably undermined your marketability. Sure you don’t want to throw in that Dwarf Nubian Purple-butted monkey thingy? Or some exotic fruit or berry?

Also – recipes. Recipes would be good. Things we can spend lots of time hunting out – exotic ingredients – and then cooking. It doesn’t have to be good (have you ever MADE anything from the South Beach Diet book – eeeeuuuuwww) but it should be elaborate.

The art of turning one-sentence good judgement into a crusade seems to be lacking here, just proving again that you’re too smart for your own good.

On the other hand – I probably can remember your advice. And I won’t go broke following it. So while you’re clearly a dupe, not at all linked to the American Way of Exploitation, we do thank you.

Thank you.