Fired-but-continuing Trump Campaign lawyer Sidney Powell appeared in a Pennsylvania courthouse today along with colleagues Rudy Giuliani and Jenna Ellis and faced a confused Judge Matthew W. Brann who questioned why they filed a petition accusing themselves of fraud.
The petition filed by self-described “Biblical Kraken”, Powell, states the following, “The Plaintiffs can prove rampant misrepresentation, fraud and other crimes which have been committed by US, to steal an election. This cannot be permitted to stand and we request both criminal and financial sanctions against the perpetrators of these acts.”
Judge Brann asked Powell if it was a mistake that they were suing themselves for election tampering.
JUDGE BRANN: “I don’t understand, did you mean to say ‘US’ in the petition?”
POWELL: “Your honor, I mean everything I say, just ask Hugo Chavez, the Chinese or any satanic pedophilic cannibal.”
JUDGE BRANN: “I’d rather ask you and your colleagues since you are apparently suing yourselves for election fraud.”
POWELL: “That’s what we’re paid for, to sue ourselves.”
JUDGE BRANN: “No, I mean you’re accusing yourselves of committing crimes.”
GIULIANI: (audibly passing gas) “Whaaaaaa?”
ELLIS: “I’m a lawyer!”
POWELL: “That’s fake news, your honor.”
JUDGE BRANN: “I’m reading your own petition verbatim, it’s not news and it’s not fake. You’re suing yourselves.”
POWELL: “It’s news to me. And you have to admit, it’s hard to believe that we would sue ourselves.
JUDGE BRANN: “It is but it’s in black and white.”
POWELL: “Those are fake colors.”
GIULIANI: “You’re out of order! You’re all out of order! Have you ever seen that? Pacino in And Justice for All? Oh, did you see Dumb and Dumber? When the other one, not Jim Carrey, gets his tongue stuck to the pole of the ski lift chair? He was all…(sticks his tongue out and howls, his dentures tumble out and burst apart on the floor, he puts the pieces back in his mouth).
ELLIS: “I’m a lawyer!”
JUDGE BRANN: “What I’m trying to do is offer you the opportunity to amend your petition.”
POWELL: “You and your Deep State cabal would just love that, wouldn’t you?”
GIULIANI: (mouth full of denture pieces) “Say hello to my little friend!” That was Pacino too. ‘Hoo-wah! Hoo-wah!’ Pacino too!
ELLIS: “I’m…a…law person!”
POWELL: “I would like to amend our petition.”
JUDGE BRANN: (sighs) “That’s what I assumed.”
POWELL: “I forgot to include a restraining order against the reptile people.”
JUDGE BRANN: “Of course. This court stands in recess!”
Judge Brann attempted to schedule the next session but Powell argued that it needed to be at the scene of the crime in the basement of Comet Ping Pong Pizza.
You know what is sad? When satire and a news story can be confused with one looking like the other, interchangeable and to be taken either as a shocking accounting of real life events, or an edgy bit of hard biting humor.
I feel exactly the same and it’s been a bit of an obstacle to writing as much satire as I have before Trump was in the WH. In a normal time, the president wearing a diaper, lifts and a girdle would be a joke. As would having an illiterate, racist, moron as the president. That’s how one might ridicule a president.
But today, it’s called reporting the news.
Rudy Giuliani is a parody of Rudy Giuliani. If someone on SNL was playing him tomorrow night as an unhinged, babbling, lunatic dripping hair dye down his sweaty face and mugging in bizarre ways while fondling himself in a faux documentary…to someone who came out of a coma today, they would think I was satirizing someone.
But the sunlight is peaking through the clouds, just 47 days to go until both I and satire can rest easy again. Poor satire but as it says, “You think I’m in bad shape? Have a look at irony!”