Eschewing any attempt at presenting facts that defend Trump from the charges against him in the Articles of Impeachment, the cadre of lawyers representing Donald Trump in The Senate impeachment hearing have wrapped their arguments with a novel approach, borrowing the most absurd defenses from high profile murder cases.
Pat Cipollone began by using the Dan White “Twinkie Defense”, saying, “My. Trump had the equivalent of 137 Big Gulps of Diet Coke during the week when all of this allegedly began. He was so intoxicated by the excess of caffeine and aspartame, he is not responsible for his actions. If anyone is guilty of extorting Ukraine to receive false and damaging charges against Joe Biden in order to win re-election, it is The Coca Cola Company!”
Jay Sekulow followed by using the Ethan Couch “affluenza” defense, claiming that Donald Trump, through no fault of his own, doesn’t know right from wrong because he was raised in a household that was too wealthy, where denying black people the right to live in housing was explained to him as being good…”if you’re a Nazi”. Sekulow argued, “Mr. Trump sees himself as being a good Nazi, not a bad person so he can’t be held responsible for his actions or his brown shirt.”
Ken Starr was an exception, apparently confused by the proceedings and his inability to cover it all up like a sexual assault at a college, began wagging his finger at himself and attacked his own the credibility and judgment, “You’ve got it all wrong, you can’t impeach a president for abuse of power…are you talking back to me? From 1998? Really? Don’t tell me what to do. Frankly, I know you are but what am I?”
Pam Bondi, noted hobbyist at bribery and generous supporter of phony universities, did her part by using the Sandie Craddock defense that PMS had caused Trump to not be in control of his faculties when he committed the alleged act. “Some people may ask how Mr. Trump could suffer from PMS even though he doesn’t menstruate…but that’s why there’s a ‘p’ in it, it stands for ‘pre’ which means ‘prior to menstruating’ and since Mr. Trump never menstruates, he is always in a PMS state.”
Of course, the lawyer who always keeps his underpants on when a 13-year-old girl massages him, Alan Dershowitz, reached around to his glory days of helping criminals get off, and used the O.J. Simpson case strategy, offering Johnny Cochran’s famous, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit” defense. Dershowitz, adjusting his underwear, updated it to, “If the bribery doesn’t work, you can’t convict the jerk.” Dershowitz went on to suggest that it may have been Columbia drug dealers who actually tried to bribe Ukraine to smear Biden and that Mr. Trump suspects that the real perpetrator was a lying con man with a lot of money so he has been spending a great deal of time at golf courses to “find the real extorter”.
Upon Trump’s defense team wrapping their “clips episode” strategy, Republican Senators burst out in applause and cheered their performance, waving Diet Cokes, wads of cash and bloody gloves as they held their Bic lighters aloft. Calls for “Encore” echoed through the Senate chamber and Senator Lindsey Graham pulled up his shirt and asked for their autographs on his chest.
After the celebratory display ended and Trump’s legal team was carried out on the shoulders of Republican Senators, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts removed his blindfold and earplugs before shrugging and shuffling out of the chamber.