Expressing frustration that he is unable to meet with and build a “respectful” relationship with Osama Bin Laden, who was killed in a Seal Team strike in May of 2011 that was ordered by President Barack Obama, Donald Trump announced today that he will be participating in a seance in The Oval Office on the anniversary of 9/11, to “reach out” to Bin Laden to negotiate an American withdrawal from Afghanistan.

“Obama was afraid to negotiate with Bin Laden, you know that’s why he killed him,” Trump insisted at an impromptu press briefing that he held on the White House lawn. “Okay, some people say that Mr. Bin Laden may have been a hateful madman who was followed as a cult leader and didn’t care about the lives of anyone else..but somehow, I feel a real connection with him. I think we would have gotten along very, very well…despite that 7/11 thing ,” Trump noted before playfully miming the 9/11 attack with one hand flying into two fingers on his other hand.

“When Obama killed Mr. Bin Laden, it was a real attack on peace, there was no other reason to do that than racism. However you feel about Mr. Bin Laden, you have to agree that he was a strong leader and you have to respect that,” Trump pleaded to the assembled media.

“So I have decided that since my meeting with the Taliban at Camp David this week had to be canceled because I didn’t know they had ever hurt an American until last week, I’ve decided to negotiate a withdrawal in Afghanistan with Mr. Bin Laden at the White House, using a seance,” Trump declared, before snickering as he spelled out “MAGA” with the Oujia board.

Trump took a moment to recognize the loss of life eighteen years ago on 9/11. “It really was a tragedy, I feel sorry for all those hijackers whose lives were lost at such a young age. I really could have negotiated with them…such a terrible waste,” Trump said, accidentally looking constipated while attempting to emulate a human expression of sorrow.

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kesmarnAdLibNonpartayNoManIsAnIsland Recent comment authors
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Donald is such a true empath. (We here in Toledo, Ohio particularly appreciate the way he expressed his sympathy with the losses we suffered due to Hurricane Dorian.) It’s no wonder he’s able to tap in to the spirit of bin Laden — a kindred soul if ever there were one. Rumor has it that Joseph Mugabe (a new arrival to the afterlife) was seeking entry to that same seance, but The Donald rejected him on the grounds that he had come from a shithole country and told him that he would have to seek asylum in purgatory before he’d be allowed into the Oval office (which I believe was the stop scheduled right after the one labeled “Hell”).

P.S. Many thanks for a brilliant piece of satire — as always.


Snickering madly…


O.K., AdLib. I don’t know, and don’t want to know, how you’ve managed to channel trump even though you’re far too coherent to actually be mistaken for him. But please get a grip on yourself, or we might have to isolate you for your own — and our sake!