Coming on the heels of White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter being forced to resign due to evidence of his assaulting both of his ex-wives, Donald Trump announced that he alone can and will solve the issue of women being criminally abused by men.
“All these women having to come out about how they’ve been assaulted, it’s shocking to me, really, really shocking,” Trump expressed to reporters on the White House lawn after shoving Melania onto the Marine One helicopter. “This is totally unacceptable and it’s got to stop. So, tomorrow I will be signing an Executive Order that will put an end to crimes against women so no woman will ever again go through the humiliation of publicly revealing how they were criminally abused. My Executive Order will officially and legally, re-classify women as recreational equipment,” Trump smiled proudly, motioning with his exceptionally small extremities.
“You don’t get in trouble for kicking a soccer ball, that’s not a criminal act, right? Or if you wanted to grab it by the pump hole, that’s not a crime,” Trump insisted. “So whatever a man does to a woman, she won’t ever be a victim of crime. From now on, men will just be messing with recreational equipment and how bad does that sound?” Trump shrugged while trying to dribble a female reporter covering his announcement.
The only issue that came up, according to Trump, was concern by sporting goods companies that it could negatively affect the way their businesses if anyone could legally say that they sold recreational equipment. Trump noted that he had at first taken a hard line against making that statement illegal but when one company mentioned that they had named their business after him, Trump was flattered and included that in his Executive Order.
“I never knew that I was the inspiration for the name of their company. Isn’t that fantastic? I want to thank Dick’s Sporting Goods but you know, you got my name wrong,” Trump smiled obliviously.