Doctors, hospitals, insurance companies and the entire medical community in the United States have all come together to oppose the Graham-Cassidy bill that would repeal Obamacare and slash Medicare funding through the use of block grants to states (instead of each individual American being entitled to coverage).

Senators Lindsay (“Let Them Eat Band-Aids”) Graham and Bill (“I’m Lyin’ As Fast As I Can!”) Cassidy have kept struggling to find someone other than their fellow Death Panel Republicans to endorse their bill and lend credence to their dubious claims that it won’t end coverage for pre-existing conditions and doom tens of millions of Americans to no or degraded and far more expensive health care.

Jimmy Kimmel’s strong response to Cassidy’s betrayal of the “Jimmy Kimmel Test” that he swore to, pledging he wouldn’t support any health care bill that took insurance away from children with pre-existing conditions, left Graham fanning his fevered brow and Cassidy with hands too sweaty to pull the plug on post-op patients. They discussed the urgent need to counter Kimmel with some star power of their own to come out and support their bill.

Their lobbying efforts bore fruit today as Satan, Father of Lies and Ruler of Darkness appeared with them on Fox News today to declare his undying support for Graham-Cassidy.

“Let me tell you, this bill does everything I could have hoped for and more. You know how many people out there are suffering in the exchanges from sky-high premiums they can’t afford? Around 1.5 MILLION people! That’s outrageous,” Satan declared before winking at Sean Hannity.

“Those who support Obamacare may argue that it’s brought affordable healthcare to 20 million people who didn’t have healthcare before but that’s ignoring the 1.5 million people who have trouble affording it which makes it a disaster that has nothing to do with Republicans worrying about being primaried for not delivering on an arbitrary promise over 7 years that has little support today,”Satan mockingly assured.

“Look, I’m not an accountant so you tell me, isn’t it worth it to take healthcare away from 20 million people, maybe up to 35 million, to help 1.5 million be able to afford the premiums of an insurance policy that may not even cover what they need? Putting aside of course that about half of that 1.5 million have pre-existing conditions and wouldn’t be able to afford the much higher premiums they would be hit with under this bill. So let’s do this again, by just taking healthcare away from 35 million people, we could lower premiums and provide less coverage for 750,000 people? It’s a win-win! Like I said, I’m not an accountant but who needs a CBO score? It sure adds up for me,” Satan snickered while autographing an 8 x 10 photo of himself, “To my biggest fan, Martin Shkreli!”.

Graham thanked Satan for his support saying that he was glad that someone “really gets” what he’s trying to do with this bill. Satan patted Cassidy on the back and quipped, “Now you, I can learn a lot from!”.

Satan wrapped his press conference by bestowing a nickname on Graham and Cassidy, “Once again, best of luck on your bill and to both of you, ‘Bull Cassidy and the ScamDance Kid’!


NOTE: Though part of a parody, the numbers above are accurate and documented below:

Under the law, the number of uninsured nonelderly Americans decreased from 44 million in 2013 (the year before the major coverage provisions went into effect) to 28 million as of the end of 2016.

Over 10 million are signed up on ACA exchanges. Of that 10 million, 85% get federal subsidies that make their insurance affordable, leaving 15% of the 10 million (1.5 million or around 3% of Americans) that struggle with very high premiums.

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