Speaker of the House of Representatives, Paul Ryan, announced today that he will not defend nor promote Satan but has not withdrawn his endorsement of him.
“There are times when principle has to come first before party…or so I’m told,” Ryan explained. “Recently, it has come to my attention that there have been some unacceptable comments attributed to the official representative of the GOP majority in Congress, Satan.
Now, when I first endorsed Satan, I had no idea that he could be capable of any despicable behavior, I viewed Satan as having as much moral character as any Republican politician. Like many others, I believed that his most offensive thoughts would never be captured on tape and heard in his own voice, that he could always maintain a respectable amount of plausible deniability when it came to how detestable he was. However, now that the standard Republican response of, “Nuh-uh, I never said that!”, can’t be relied on as a defense to his behavior, I am announcing that I will no longer defend Satan nor promote him. Some may call this a desperate political calculation devoid of any genuine principle and reflective of the cowardice of my original endorsement of Satan. Some may claim I am a traitor for abandoning Satan just because the chips are down. To them I would respond that you are all wrong because you are all right.
I may find Satan completely unacceptable to associate myself with, I may condemn Satan and all that he stands for, I may not be defending him or anything he says anymore, I may not help promote him anymore but as a man of principle, I will still endorse him to reign over all humanity. Why? Because I’m a man of my word…well, certain words…the ones that seem more advantageous to me personally. You know what kinds of words I’m talking about, right?
There are some things more important in politics than winning. Wait, I meant ‘whining’. Loyalty is important to me but so is flexibility. I’ve always tried to combine the two so that my loyalty is as strong as steel but as flexible as a rubber chicken. In this way, I think I can best serve the overriding interests of those who are the most vulnerable and needy…meaning of course myself and Republicans in Congress.
So I say to my Republican colleagues, do what you think best for your own personal greed and blind ambition. If it means going to such an extreme as rejecting our party’s top representative, Satan, do so. If turning on Satan could help you get re-elected so you can advance Satan’s policies in the end, don’t hesitate to do the right and wrong thing. If it means sacrificing the first born in your districts, have at it. If it means running down your district’s streets naked with a baseball bat smashing car windows and assaulting men with hair buns, it’s all for the best. My fellow Republicans, I say to you, do as I do, not as I endorse!”
Speaker Ryan concluded his announcement by looking down at a banana peel on the ground then intentionally stepping on it, slipping and tumbling down the Capitol steps while howling, “I…won’t…defend…this!”.