In response to Donald Trump’s poll numbers dropping day after day, Republican operatives staged an “intervention” with Trump to have him moderate his tone and statements in order to launch a “reboot” of his candidacy into one more palatable to voters.
“One thing that has been attracting people from all across the political spectrum to Donald Trump, be it white people, older white people, uneducated older white people, evangelical and uneducated older white people, whatever, has been Donald Trump’s style of telling it like it is and speaking his mind,” explained ex-New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, inexplicably wearing high heeled women’s shoes. “So in response to the liberal media’s game of releasing dishonest polls showing Donald losing, I and some of my Republican colleagues have convinced Donald to keep being himself but to do so by just reading speeches by teleprompter that others have written for him.”
Yesterday, Trump delivered an economic speech in a subdued tone, staying completely on script and not even reacting when his speech was interrupted repeatedly by protesters. Trump supporter Newt Gingrich lauded Trump on his performance.
“I think he’s really turning things around now. Today, America saw that Trump can read off of a teleprompter and not encourage violence towards protesters, what more does he need to do to show how Presidential he is?”
A chorus of media pundits and Republicans touted Trump’s low energy, scripted performance of economic statements that provided little in the way of practical details, as a great victory for him.
“We set that bar as low as we could and he squeaked right over it, now that’s what I call a win,” proclaimed Trump backer Scott Baio.
What many Trump supporters claim is that by submerging all evidence of who he really is and how he really thinks, Trump can “right the ship” and come out on top as the candidate the public likes best.
“The less that people see of Trump acting like Trump, the more they’ll want him in the White House…not as Trump but as the person who isn’t acting like Trump,” stated Fox News host, Sean Hannity. “In fact, I’ve advised him that he could really hit a home run by coming out and declaring that he would not vote for Donald Trump out of principle…which could connect with many of the independent voters out there that have been turned off by his campaign.”
Following their rave reviews for Trump’s lackluster, stilted speech yesterday, many Trump supporters came out this morning, ecstatically praising Trump for how soundly he slept last night.
“I think he did himself a lot of good last night when he was sleeping, no gaffes, projecting an image of being relaxed and peaceful, I think we’ll see a turn around in the polls this week if he keeps sleeping like this,” boasted New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, before excusing himself to take an after-buffet nap.
Trump’s sleeping is being viewed by Republican party members as a new secret weapon in the presidential race, many are suggesting that if Trump sleeps through more of his campaign, his popularity could skyrocket.
“He only helps himself when he’s asleep,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained. “That’s when he’s at his best as a campaigner.” Priebus is also exploring placing teleprompters around Trump’s bed so that if he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to tweet or call into a news show, he’ll know what he should say.
Priebus has also employed a team of hypnotists to accompany Trump at his stump speeches and act as surrogates on news shows, using their skills to hypnotize voters so that they forget all that Trump has said over the last year.
“Don’t get me wrong, we are proud of having Donald Trump as the leader and nominee of our party,” Priebus insisted a bit too strenuously. “We just want voters to give him a fair chance as a candidate and getting them to forget everything he’s done over the campaign is what I’d call ending prejudice,” Priebus proclaimed before screaming and racing away as two black teens eating Skittles strolled down the sidewalk in his direction.